I still recall the taste of your tears

Echoes in your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing 
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color - if I had a heart
Come on, tell me...

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing 
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place, it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me...
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have


I just want something I can never have...





Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have




Homecoming night was fun. At first, G and I just lounged, finally convinced me to at least try and dance (although I wouldn't call idly rocking and moving my arms slightly dancing). We obtained 'liquid' as she called it, saw JJP and a few other people I knew, most of which I hated. We got to snicker and mock the people who were grinding like whores as we just stood back away from the limelight. We even got some filming in for the video series which I did, in fact, begin working on.

So far that's been pretty good, too. 70 subscribers, over 2000 upload views. Even it's own small fanpage on facebook, as well as a group for it in which I realized how idiotic people are when it comes to piecing together plot points.

Anyway, the night ended with a slow dance, where I feel I was actually taught how to dance. She had to guide my hands at first but I got ahold of it- rather, her- quickly. It was to that really cliché Maroon 5 song about the broken girl but we still enjoyed it. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but, I've never really had a girlfriend or date before that night. The feeling it provided exceeded expectations, being that close with someone, being able to hold them. Yet, all the while, I couldn't help but wish that it was R I was dancing with.

R threw a bit of a fit earlier in the day and didn't want to talk to me, needed 'space.' That night, she completely blew me off, and rubbed it in my face that she was ignoring me. We patched things up the next morning, where, in some sweet form of irony, I was given the same speech again about how she felt pressured into this relationship with me and how much she missed and still loved S. So what happened next, you ask? I was pressured myself into breaking it off and calling it a hiatus when I think she knows that she has no intention of coming back to me. Great, karma. Couldn't have chosen a better way to get me.

Earlier today, we talked, and, for whatever reason, even though she and I are no longer together (as if we really were to begin with, the way she was acting...), she's still jealous of G. I tried talking it through with her to see if she could shake the feeling, she can't. I still think it's fucked that she's allowed to go back to S and she doesn't approve of G and I just going to a dance together. She signed off a few hours ago, saying she'd be back in an hour... another empty promise. I'm feeling like complete and utter shit.


And now Lovesong by Voltaire came on, a song I've always sang to her, and I'm on the verge of tears...

However far away... However long I stay... Whatever words I say...


She knows this by now, but, she doesn't know if S has the same policy to unconditionally love someone, which, from what I know, it seems he doesn't. No wonder I'm taken advantage of so easily, yet he's such an nonrenewable resource...

Almost a month

since my last post.

Things... weren't pretty. I came to a decision that I had to give R an ultimatum. Either choose me over S, or I was going to stop talking to her because of how much it hurt to think of her being with S. We both cried during this conversation, even if my voice sounded harsh.

By some stroke of luck, she chose me. Recently she's breaking things off with S, or so I'm told.

I feel like she only agreed out of obligation, not because she really loves or cares about me, even though I know she does. I finally have what I've craved for so long and yet I still feel hollow.

She made that decision on the 1st of October. I've been pushing more and more towards her publicly announcing- And of course, by that, I mean making it "facebook official"- that she has a boyfriend, preferably even mentioning that it's me. My paranoid thoughts would all be calmed just by the thought of her and I finally being officially together after all this time.

It gets more complicated, of course.

G and I have gotten relatively closer since we started hanging out. We're going to Homecoming tomorrow- I'm not sure whether as a couple or as friends, she never specified, so, I'm assuming friends until I'm proven wrong. R isn't thrilled about this... in fact, she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It's a little weird to see her being the jealous one.

I think it's a little fucked that she can be jealous of G when she won't even finalize our relationship status.

In other news, I went on omegle to vent to strangers about this situation, and made a new friend. Her name is Sasha. She's Indian, studying in Boston. We both suffer from horrible insomnia. She managed to cheer me up and give me some fantastic advice. Now just to hopefully talk things through with R tomorrow.