When he's gone, I won't come back
Dammit - Blink 182
G and her boyfriend broke up. It sucks. I was really starting to feel happy for them, and, I was actually happy that he came along and wiped away the chance I had- I never would have made it to being this close with R. She was a stepping stone and as much as it hurt me and wasted space on this blog, it felt good to move on to something bigger.
I don't exactly know what I feel now, but, one thing's for sure, I've already told R I would stay no matter what, and that no other girl is going to get in the way of that, and I meant it. There's some kind of sick irony in this, somewhere.
April is now mid-February... I can work with this, I don't think I want to push it to being any closer.
If Chase and Eva break up within the next few days, I'm going to definitely take this as divine humor.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Please, anyone..?
I don't think I can save myself again...
I'm drowning here... Please...
Anyone..?
A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels
Okay... where do I start...
Earlier, the guy R loves from England, who, for all sakes and purposes, will now be referenced as S for this post, posted something on her facebook in drunken rambling about playing a drinking game that would get anyone bombed. It was one of those 'take a shot everytime x happens.' I got extremely defensive because, for one, it seemed like she was cutting slack for him drinking, even though I'm positive he isn't old enough to drink would he be in the US, and quite frankly, I don't think anyone under the age of 21 is mature enough to handle it, period.
He also posted something so fucked up grammar and letterwise that I actually read a message that wasn't there about him seeming to invite her to do the game with him whenever she was 'up there.' The message was actually 'We're going up to play the drinking game,' but, I didn't see it as that at the time.
For the first time in my life, these resentful, awful thoughts came into my head about a man who did nothing to wrong me but be a great friend in my best friends life.
I hope he drinks himself to death.
Drunk car accidents happen all the time.
His heart would give out faster if he does drink.
I feel terrible for this! I can't figure out why I can't shake these thoughts of my head, it's like my depression, but, for once, the voice doesn't just sound like mine- It IS mine. They say God judges by the hearts of men as well as the actions and words, so, where the fuck am I going for thinking consciously about the death of someone who's done nothing wrong?!
Through all these thoughts, I told R off and I expressed my feelings about how fucked up I felt it was that I was still competing with someone who was doing something that irresponsible. She didn't know what to say. When she didn't immediately oppose his actions, I took it as acceptance. That threw me off the deep end, again, and I had to leave and go for a walk.
While out on my walk, I prayed for a bit, tried to meditate by the creek and hopefully come upon some sort of solution to the quarrel. That... half worked. I think I lost a friend of mine, who wasn't related to this conversation at all, for good this time by complaining and complaining, but, she's running away to California soon with the newest guy she likes, so... I can't exactly say I'm losing much. If God wants it resolved, it will be. If not, well, oh well. The problem here is knowing when to act and when to keep to myself and let him act. God does help those who help themselves...
When I got home, we talked a lot of it through, but, the situation isn't resolved yet. We talked on the phone where we both seemed just mumble and cry and try and choke up the words we had to say. She eventually agreed to the testdrive sooner rather than later, but... I can't help but shake the feeling that it was only because of the tantrum I through. I don't want to be like her ex and either drag her, pressure her, or guilt her into something she doesn't want. I want her to sincerely mean it before we jump into anything, even if just to see how it would work out. I'm going to kick myself later for this, but, I asked her to seriously think about it tomorrow before we both agree to it, to make sure that is sincere, and not just to keep me content...
Even so, she's afraid that even if the two weeks are great, she still won't be comfortable with not being around S, or waiting for me to get older, and so the two weeks are all I'll have until April... I can't decide if it would make things more or less tolerable.
We just finished watching another entry of marblehornets on synchtube. Hopefully she's going to be calling me soon.
I kind of really want to take that testdriving chance and hope everything works out better than expected but I don't know yet. I'll have an answer by this time tomorrow, I'm sure.
Then I have two weeks to not fuck anything up and convince here I'm the proper choice without going up and beyond as well as being someone I'm not... Here's to hoping God's on my side and that the next two weeks go well.
I'm drowning here... Please...
Anyone..?
A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels
Okay... where do I start...
Earlier, the guy R loves from England, who, for all sakes and purposes, will now be referenced as S for this post, posted something on her facebook in drunken rambling about playing a drinking game that would get anyone bombed. It was one of those 'take a shot everytime x happens.' I got extremely defensive because, for one, it seemed like she was cutting slack for him drinking, even though I'm positive he isn't old enough to drink would he be in the US, and quite frankly, I don't think anyone under the age of 21 is mature enough to handle it, period.
He also posted something so fucked up grammar and letterwise that I actually read a message that wasn't there about him seeming to invite her to do the game with him whenever she was 'up there.' The message was actually 'We're going up to play the drinking game,' but, I didn't see it as that at the time.
For the first time in my life, these resentful, awful thoughts came into my head about a man who did nothing to wrong me but be a great friend in my best friends life.
I hope he drinks himself to death.
Drunk car accidents happen all the time.
His heart would give out faster if he does drink.
I feel terrible for this! I can't figure out why I can't shake these thoughts of my head, it's like my depression, but, for once, the voice doesn't just sound like mine- It IS mine. They say God judges by the hearts of men as well as the actions and words, so, where the fuck am I going for thinking consciously about the death of someone who's done nothing wrong?!
Through all these thoughts, I told R off and I expressed my feelings about how fucked up I felt it was that I was still competing with someone who was doing something that irresponsible. She didn't know what to say. When she didn't immediately oppose his actions, I took it as acceptance. That threw me off the deep end, again, and I had to leave and go for a walk.
While out on my walk, I prayed for a bit, tried to meditate by the creek and hopefully come upon some sort of solution to the quarrel. That... half worked. I think I lost a friend of mine, who wasn't related to this conversation at all, for good this time by complaining and complaining, but, she's running away to California soon with the newest guy she likes, so... I can't exactly say I'm losing much. If God wants it resolved, it will be. If not, well, oh well. The problem here is knowing when to act and when to keep to myself and let him act. God does help those who help themselves...
When I got home, we talked a lot of it through, but, the situation isn't resolved yet. We talked on the phone where we both seemed just mumble and cry and try and choke up the words we had to say. She eventually agreed to the testdrive sooner rather than later, but... I can't help but shake the feeling that it was only because of the tantrum I through. I don't want to be like her ex and either drag her, pressure her, or guilt her into something she doesn't want. I want her to sincerely mean it before we jump into anything, even if just to see how it would work out. I'm going to kick myself later for this, but, I asked her to seriously think about it tomorrow before we both agree to it, to make sure that is sincere, and not just to keep me content...
Even so, she's afraid that even if the two weeks are great, she still won't be comfortable with not being around S, or waiting for me to get older, and so the two weeks are all I'll have until April... I can't decide if it would make things more or less tolerable.
We just finished watching another entry of marblehornets on synchtube. Hopefully she's going to be calling me soon.
I kind of really want to take that testdriving chance and hope everything works out better than expected but I don't know yet. I'll have an answer by this time tomorrow, I'm sure.
Then I have two weeks to not fuck anything up and convince here I'm the proper choice without going up and beyond as well as being someone I'm not... Here's to hoping God's on my side and that the next two weeks go well.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
What the FUCK did I do last night?!
And why can I only remember like half of it, and, why did I think I was dreaming?!
I'm a whore... fuck my life.
I'm a whore... fuck my life.
She shines in a world full of ugliness
She matters when everything's meaningless
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch you slip away
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
I'm sure Nheat is sick of reading about my lovesickness, but, too bad. R really does mean the world to me, and, fuck it, the English guy being in the picture or not, I'm going to be here for her, I'm going to love her with all my heart, be here to comfort her when she's upset, do my best to make her as happy as possible, and overall by the best fucking human being I can be for her sake. Even if we don't work out (although I'm still optimistic about that), now, I know I'm going to be one of the best boyfriends, fiancé's, husbands, and father to the children of a lucky woman who I hope I have the pleasure of settling down with. For now, I'm not planning on it being anyone else besides her, even if it has to wait, or even if she decides marriage and children aren't for her after all. I'm here to pick up the pieces and wait until she's comfortable enough to a point where I can be everything she wants and needs.
I won't let her fall apart.
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch you slip away
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
I'm sure Nheat is sick of reading about my lovesickness, but, too bad. R really does mean the world to me, and, fuck it, the English guy being in the picture or not, I'm going to be here for her, I'm going to love her with all my heart, be here to comfort her when she's upset, do my best to make her as happy as possible, and overall by the best fucking human being I can be for her sake. Even if we don't work out (although I'm still optimistic about that), now, I know I'm going to be one of the best boyfriends, fiancé's, husbands, and father to the children of a lucky woman who I hope I have the pleasure of settling down with. For now, I'm not planning on it being anyone else besides her, even if it has to wait, or even if she decides marriage and children aren't for her after all. I'm here to pick up the pieces and wait until she's comfortable enough to a point where I can be everything she wants and needs.
I won't let her fall apart.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Third time writing the same post
Everytime a little bit less to say. To summarize something long into something short, Voltaire's "The Last Word" wraps up the way I feel about my father, entirely. "Screw suicide, I'm going to remain on this world to watch the one who drove me to it wither away"
I honestly can't believe how much I care about R. I don't know if love exists at my age or for my person but I think this is it. That perfect harmony I spoke of is ringing so melodically for me, but, not as much for her. She's been going through some issues I don't feel right disclosing here as it's her business, not any of yours. She makes me feel so loved, so cared about, so happy, so amazing, so special, as if maybe, just, maybe, I'm worth something after all. I just hope I can make her feel a fraction of the positive that she managed to bestow on me. The way she talks, it gives me this odd feeling. She'll protest this of course, saying I'm looking too far into something, or that there's no guarantee for the future, but, it honestly doesn't seem a matter of 'if,' 'can,' or 'will.' It's a matter of 'when?' That feeling of impending doom that accompanies me with my anxiety attacks, it's the exact opposite. It feels like something amazing is going to happen. No sense of worry at all. I just need to wait for us to become something, and, that seems very pressuring, but, there's no pressure at all in this way I feel. It doesn't have to, it'd just be nice. Something in my gut tells me that when things are worked through, and she's feeling better, I still have that chance.
Until then, I intend on being the best damn friend and human being I can possibly be for her. If at the end, she does decide to try and become something, well, I do luck out. There's no guarantee of course, but, this feeling's hard to rid of, and, quite frankly, I don't think I want to, even if things don't work out.
So... I assume this is love.
Now I see why people go crazy over it. Anything for this feeling. Anything to see her happy. And, if those two mix, that harmony is going to become even more beautiful.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thanks bastards, you made me what I am
Thanks bastards, I took the goods and ran
I took the goods and ran
I took the goods and ran
Thanks, Bastards - Mischief Brew
Had the hearing in front of the magistrate today. I had a miserable time, my anxiety was worse than it was in months. The AP from my school, this two-faced bitch who was the first one to accuse me of smoking pot when I was talked to about my school absences in eighth grade- Hell, she INSISTED upon it- who, near the end of the hearing, tried telling me that my extreme debilitating social anxiety was no big deal, as if I was trying to use it an as excuse, when I was simply taking responsibility for not handing in a note so my mother wouldn't have to.
You know who they put the blame on despite my pleading?
Her.
I fucking hate this town, this school district, this county. I went into a depressive episode earlier. I was managed to be calmed down, but, hell, I'll admit... that knife was pretty persuasive.
Depressive thoughts in-bound.
It'd be so simple. No more of this. No more hurting other people, no more getting others in trouble. I'd just die and that would be it. No more wasting money, no more causing grief for my mother and the school district. Just plunge it into your chest, it's all over, you'll die so fast it'll feel like a pinprick.
I decided against it. I know there's more to this life than just this shit, even if I can't see it right now. Maybe I need to take my own advice. Maybe it will get better.
We got off with just a fine, 30 per month for... I don't know how long.
Thank you, Lord, thank you friends, thank you everyone whose been supportive of me for everything.
I took the goods and ran
I took the goods and ran
Thanks, Bastards - Mischief Brew
Had the hearing in front of the magistrate today. I had a miserable time, my anxiety was worse than it was in months. The AP from my school, this two-faced bitch who was the first one to accuse me of smoking pot when I was talked to about my school absences in eighth grade- Hell, she INSISTED upon it- who, near the end of the hearing, tried telling me that my extreme debilitating social anxiety was no big deal, as if I was trying to use it an as excuse, when I was simply taking responsibility for not handing in a note so my mother wouldn't have to.
You know who they put the blame on despite my pleading?
Her.
I fucking hate this town, this school district, this county. I went into a depressive episode earlier. I was managed to be calmed down, but, hell, I'll admit... that knife was pretty persuasive.
Depressive thoughts in-bound.
It'd be so simple. No more of this. No more hurting other people, no more getting others in trouble. I'd just die and that would be it. No more wasting money, no more causing grief for my mother and the school district. Just plunge it into your chest, it's all over, you'll die so fast it'll feel like a pinprick.
I decided against it. I know there's more to this life than just this shit, even if I can't see it right now. Maybe I need to take my own advice. Maybe it will get better.
We got off with just a fine, 30 per month for... I don't know how long.
Thank you, Lord, thank you friends, thank you everyone whose been supportive of me for everything.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Quizzically titled blogpost
A spiritualist of common religious origin just visited my mother and I today. We talked for about half an hour.
It seems like he's a bit off with some of what he's saying, or, at least he's off with the timeframe. He picked up all of my depressive thoughts, but, they aren't with me anymore. I think I've just been cooked up in here for the last two years with all these feelings that all of my memories and emotions of the past are leaking out into him. He specifically told me extracting revenge on a certain someone who I never had to mention was a terrible idea and I should let God handle it. However, I haven't felt that way in two months, which leads me to wondering... Am I still the same inside? I feel so much different. I feel changed. I feel more faithful. I'm working on moving past this, but, he insisted upon the thought that suicide was not the answer, even though I haven't considered that seriously, since, what? February, March?
Either he is indeed picking up on old things or things are going to get worse in the future. I'm praying it's a future that's not set in stone. I wanna hang out with SK today. I haven't seen her in months, that irritates me, her summer classes for college are getting in the way of what I know would be an even more amazing friendship. She's the closest thing to a sister I've had in a long while, I guess it's just normal to miss her.
I think I'm going to send her the link to this blog soon. She went through a relationship similar to what I'm striving for with R, but, hers didn't end so well... I think the times have advanced from then, though. Voice and visuals are no longer a 'only during the actual meet-up' thing. I think my feelings for R are legitimate, not just something I've fabricated, which seems to be where SK and (I believe his name started with a) B's had gone sour. They discovered there was nothing romantic or intimate among them. I don't think I have anything to discover about my feelings towards R now. I'm about 90% sure this is real, else, I guess I'm just one of the best friends to ever exist, and, that's in no way a bad thing. Feels good, man.
In other news, the girl I had been going after in April, May, and June got back into contact with me. We're talking again as just friends and things seem to be working out good for everyone. It seems like a signal for the future that things are going to be better in the current situation than they would have been between us. Good.
Lord guide my words, my actions, and my intent.
It seems like he's a bit off with some of what he's saying, or, at least he's off with the timeframe. He picked up all of my depressive thoughts, but, they aren't with me anymore. I think I've just been cooked up in here for the last two years with all these feelings that all of my memories and emotions of the past are leaking out into him. He specifically told me extracting revenge on a certain someone who I never had to mention was a terrible idea and I should let God handle it. However, I haven't felt that way in two months, which leads me to wondering... Am I still the same inside? I feel so much different. I feel changed. I feel more faithful. I'm working on moving past this, but, he insisted upon the thought that suicide was not the answer, even though I haven't considered that seriously, since, what? February, March?
Either he is indeed picking up on old things or things are going to get worse in the future. I'm praying it's a future that's not set in stone. I wanna hang out with SK today. I haven't seen her in months, that irritates me, her summer classes for college are getting in the way of what I know would be an even more amazing friendship. She's the closest thing to a sister I've had in a long while, I guess it's just normal to miss her.
I think I'm going to send her the link to this blog soon. She went through a relationship similar to what I'm striving for with R, but, hers didn't end so well... I think the times have advanced from then, though. Voice and visuals are no longer a 'only during the actual meet-up' thing. I think my feelings for R are legitimate, not just something I've fabricated, which seems to be where SK and (I believe his name started with a) B's had gone sour. They discovered there was nothing romantic or intimate among them. I don't think I have anything to discover about my feelings towards R now. I'm about 90% sure this is real, else, I guess I'm just one of the best friends to ever exist, and, that's in no way a bad thing. Feels good, man.
In other news, the girl I had been going after in April, May, and June got back into contact with me. We're talking again as just friends and things seem to be working out good for everyone. It seems like a signal for the future that things are going to be better in the current situation than they would have been between us. Good.
Lord guide my words, my actions, and my intent.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Forever alone
Well, inverted e-penis contest time.
I've never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl, even as something small, or one who was drunk, which are aplenty at my age. I've been rejected by girls who were drunk. I've never even had one of those little elementary school relationships, even less something in middle school, and foreveralone in high school. Even back in elementary school, only one girl ever liked me, and she was far from the cream of the crop.
The closest thing to a kiss was holding a girls hand as just friends. I have no one to cuddle with, no one to hold, no one to love, and, let's be honest, that's all I really want. I'd trade in all sexual desire for that one person, for that one meaningful relationship. All I want in life is a loyal, pretty girl who would love me, but, that seems too much to ask for. Now, if I wanted a slut who I could go drinking with, I guarantee I'd be in luck. Everyone keeps telling me how mature and blessed I am for realizing it, but, really, at the end of the day, whose the bigger loser, the idiot in bliss or the man crying himself to sleep?
I feel like I'm never going to leave this place where I am, like no one's going to love me in the way I desperately crave to give and receive. By the time a girl would want me, I'd be far out of high school, and, well, I don't know if I have that kind of patience. I don't want to retract the bitten hand for all of the animals, but, I seem to be running out of options fast, as keeping my hand out is only making me nervous.
I think soon I'm just going to keep my feelings for R to myself and let her do what she wants with whoever she chooses. Trying to talk about it is useless. I can't convince her of how happy I would make her. I can't convince her for the chance to try and prove it. That and she's already going through enough shit with the move without me... I think I'm done...
As long as that closeness stays... I don't know. Maybe I'll let go of it. Maybe.
But probably not.
I've never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl, even as something small, or one who was drunk, which are aplenty at my age. I've been rejected by girls who were drunk. I've never even had one of those little elementary school relationships, even less something in middle school, and foreveralone in high school. Even back in elementary school, only one girl ever liked me, and she was far from the cream of the crop.
The closest thing to a kiss was holding a girls hand as just friends. I have no one to cuddle with, no one to hold, no one to love, and, let's be honest, that's all I really want. I'd trade in all sexual desire for that one person, for that one meaningful relationship. All I want in life is a loyal, pretty girl who would love me, but, that seems too much to ask for. Now, if I wanted a slut who I could go drinking with, I guarantee I'd be in luck. Everyone keeps telling me how mature and blessed I am for realizing it, but, really, at the end of the day, whose the bigger loser, the idiot in bliss or the man crying himself to sleep?
I feel like I'm never going to leave this place where I am, like no one's going to love me in the way I desperately crave to give and receive. By the time a girl would want me, I'd be far out of high school, and, well, I don't know if I have that kind of patience. I don't want to retract the bitten hand for all of the animals, but, I seem to be running out of options fast, as keeping my hand out is only making me nervous.
I think soon I'm just going to keep my feelings for R to myself and let her do what she wants with whoever she chooses. Trying to talk about it is useless. I can't convince her of how happy I would make her. I can't convince her for the chance to try and prove it. That and she's already going through enough shit with the move without me... I think I'm done...
As long as that closeness stays... I don't know. Maybe I'll let go of it. Maybe.
But probably not.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Tell me
Tell me, Dr. Freeman, if you can: you have destroyed so much — what is it exactly that you have created? Can you name even one thing?... I thought not.
Dr. Wallace Breen - Half Life 2
Once again, here I go jumping off the deep end of an ambiguous comment left to me by her... Ugh. I feel like such an asshole. Last night I had accidentally made her cry by triggering some thoughts about one of her previous boyfriends. Today I started an argument and went into an episode and fit of crying and complaining and cynical bitching.
Near the end of all my complaints, she said the room was spinning, that she felt sick, and that she wanted to lay down because she felt like she was blacking out. I feel terrible for causing this with the argument... There's nothing I can say to try and make up for this, and, I wouldn't be surprised if she just about hates me now. I keep going on and on about how I don't trust anyone else to not hurt her, or how I never want to, or how I'll keep her safe, and, what do I do? I pull another stunt like this and hurt her worse.
Why do I hurt the ones I care about the most?
'Cause I will always hurt everyone I love
If I were you, I'd run away 'cause it's true
That I will always hurt everyone I love
I'm aching for you but
You're bound to bleed if I adore you
Coward - Black Light Burns
Dr. Wallace Breen - Half Life 2
Once again, here I go jumping off the deep end of an ambiguous comment left to me by her... Ugh. I feel like such an asshole. Last night I had accidentally made her cry by triggering some thoughts about one of her previous boyfriends. Today I started an argument and went into an episode and fit of crying and complaining and cynical bitching.
Near the end of all my complaints, she said the room was spinning, that she felt sick, and that she wanted to lay down because she felt like she was blacking out. I feel terrible for causing this with the argument... There's nothing I can say to try and make up for this, and, I wouldn't be surprised if she just about hates me now. I keep going on and on about how I don't trust anyone else to not hurt her, or how I never want to, or how I'll keep her safe, and, what do I do? I pull another stunt like this and hurt her worse.
Why do I hurt the ones I care about the most?
'Cause I will always hurt everyone I love
If I were you, I'd run away 'cause it's true
That I will always hurt everyone I love
I'm aching for you but
You're bound to bleed if I adore you
Coward - Black Light Burns
Pahaha... I'm an idiot.
She and I cleared everything up. She just needs some non-intimate time to herself. We still get to be just as close, I still get to flirt shamelessly, still get to express my feelings. I have no idea why I was that upset about this. I feel so silly for it. I can't be mad at her for not being clear about it- It's such an insignificant thing looking back on it. Here I thought I was going to be losing my best friend without a chance in the world to ever fix it... Turns out she just wanted a bit of space to think some things over.
She also said a few things that... have my hope back up. She made her thoughts clear this time. She needs that non-intimate time to think things through about the situation... That and she doesn't quite think she's ready for me to be as much as I want to be for her. I told her we could always make it a little less serious to relieve the pressure and work towards me being that knight in shining armor. She also said that when the time does come where she would be read for something again, I'd be the first person she told, and, well, that made me feel so much better. This means if the time does come, I'm definitely going to know and have the opportunity back, if she's comfortable with it...
She was crying last night. It was heart breaking. I only know about two of her boyfriends in detail and they both didn't deserve her yet managed to use her. I don't understand what kind of monster it takes to do that. She's such a sweet girl, she's so kind, such a warm soul. They were fucked up people, and they've hurt her badly... My drive to make up for this and show her just how much she's worth is back. I'll get to that after I've comforted her through the rough times with the mood and what she's been through.
She also said a few things that... have my hope back up. She made her thoughts clear this time. She needs that non-intimate time to think things through about the situation... That and she doesn't quite think she's ready for me to be as much as I want to be for her. I told her we could always make it a little less serious to relieve the pressure and work towards me being that knight in shining armor. She also said that when the time does come where she would be read for something again, I'd be the first person she told, and, well, that made me feel so much better. This means if the time does come, I'm definitely going to know and have the opportunity back, if she's comfortable with it...
She was crying last night. It was heart breaking. I only know about two of her boyfriends in detail and they both didn't deserve her yet managed to use her. I don't understand what kind of monster it takes to do that. She's such a sweet girl, she's so kind, such a warm soul. They were fucked up people, and they've hurt her badly... My drive to make up for this and show her just how much she's worth is back. I'll get to that after I've comforted her through the rough times with the mood and what she's been through.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Harmony
Combo breaker, a post that doesn't start with song lyrics.
I've recently patched together an understanding of why my feelings are so strong about things. When you use initial feelings and put logic to it, you get two results: logical or illogical. With the illogical, you can hold on to the feeling, or do your best to ignore the logic, or any of that, but, in the end, it will come crashing down when you try and force your feelings to fit in this illogical world. The best example I can think of is infatuation- You make the person seem like your perfect match, like the best person in the world for you, you exalt them to this throne where they can do nothing wrong, and are godlike, or at least that's my understanding.
However, when you apply logic to something, and it turns out your feelings are logical, your heart and your mind are now working together towards a common, true goal. After putting something to this test, if your feelings are logical, the two forces sing together in this perfect harmony that no feeling or thought can reach by itself. In this song, the feelings become deeper, truer, and all of those irrational thoughts disintegrate- This is where you accept someone for who they are, good and bad, and completely accept them, not who you think they are.
I think this is why this hit me so badly. With 'R,' I can see that although she has her insecurities and isn't quite perfect, she's not 'perfect' to me- She's this amazing, wonderful angel who I can't stand to spend time away from, as stalkerish as that sounds. Through this wonderful existence, my feelings and thoughts worked together, placing her into a spot where through her imperfections, she became perfect. I think I can honestly say I love her, I don't just like her the way I did 'K' or 'E' or 'A' or 'G.' They were all people who I had turned them into- Hell, I hardly knew K, E hid stuff from me, A lied to me constantly, and G... Well, she wasn't convinced that I would be the best choice, which, maybe I wouldn't have been. I tried ignoring the flaws, not embracing them. This harmony, it's such a beautiful thing- My only regret is that I'm the only one of us whose hearing it. Maybe in the future...
Now, I don't know the guy she likes enough to say that he's an illogical choice, but, she's said that she won't logic into the situation- Everything for him and I are raw feelings. I don't expect to get her back, at least not anytime soon, as she has better things to worry about, but, I just wish I could convince her to hear this music, and try and apply some logic to what she feels... I'm not a bad guy. I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm by no means unintelligent, and while not quite as mature as I feel I should be, I have a pretty damn great personality. I could go off listing specific qualities or talents but I don't see it as right to egowank, even on my own blog. Point being, if she would hear this same harmony through thoughts and feeling for me, I'm positive it would outshine the infatuation for him. Now, assuming she uses logic with me, it's not right to deny him the chance at a logical analysis, either, so I know I'm not quite in the clear. If he turns out to be a logical conclusion, then, I think I can upgrade him from option 4 to option 2, and, if the harmony for him is stronger than mine, well, I'd understand and try and move on.
This new found discovery helps me understand my depression more. I wanted to kill myself because I felt that my insecurities and fears were real because of the biased and unreasonable consciousness agreed upon me being worthless, and so many other bad things that I know now just aren't true. The harmony was there, but, it was fabricated by depressive thinking- I then realized I had no reason to agree when I broke out of the small opaque barrier it had kept me in and I was able to see things from such a broader horizon, and view just how unreasonable it was after all.
I've been doing my best to ignore what today/last night was through almost non-stop musical input today. I hung out with TB for awhile and then came home, I might get picked up by NY later.
tl;dr
logic + feelings = harmony more beautiful than logic or feelings separately
this harmony applies to her
she isn't using harmony, she's using plain feelings
if she feels a stronger harmony for him than me, well, reluctantly understood, but, i'd be more content with that
depression is a faux harmony
fuck problems, make music
I've recently patched together an understanding of why my feelings are so strong about things. When you use initial feelings and put logic to it, you get two results: logical or illogical. With the illogical, you can hold on to the feeling, or do your best to ignore the logic, or any of that, but, in the end, it will come crashing down when you try and force your feelings to fit in this illogical world. The best example I can think of is infatuation- You make the person seem like your perfect match, like the best person in the world for you, you exalt them to this throne where they can do nothing wrong, and are godlike, or at least that's my understanding.
However, when you apply logic to something, and it turns out your feelings are logical, your heart and your mind are now working together towards a common, true goal. After putting something to this test, if your feelings are logical, the two forces sing together in this perfect harmony that no feeling or thought can reach by itself. In this song, the feelings become deeper, truer, and all of those irrational thoughts disintegrate- This is where you accept someone for who they are, good and bad, and completely accept them, not who you think they are.
I think this is why this hit me so badly. With 'R,' I can see that although she has her insecurities and isn't quite perfect, she's not 'perfect' to me- She's this amazing, wonderful angel who I can't stand to spend time away from, as stalkerish as that sounds. Through this wonderful existence, my feelings and thoughts worked together, placing her into a spot where through her imperfections, she became perfect. I think I can honestly say I love her, I don't just like her the way I did 'K' or 'E' or 'A' or 'G.' They were all people who I had turned them into- Hell, I hardly knew K, E hid stuff from me, A lied to me constantly, and G... Well, she wasn't convinced that I would be the best choice, which, maybe I wouldn't have been. I tried ignoring the flaws, not embracing them. This harmony, it's such a beautiful thing- My only regret is that I'm the only one of us whose hearing it. Maybe in the future...
Now, I don't know the guy she likes enough to say that he's an illogical choice, but, she's said that she won't logic into the situation- Everything for him and I are raw feelings. I don't expect to get her back, at least not anytime soon, as she has better things to worry about, but, I just wish I could convince her to hear this music, and try and apply some logic to what she feels... I'm not a bad guy. I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm by no means unintelligent, and while not quite as mature as I feel I should be, I have a pretty damn great personality. I could go off listing specific qualities or talents but I don't see it as right to egowank, even on my own blog. Point being, if she would hear this same harmony through thoughts and feeling for me, I'm positive it would outshine the infatuation for him. Now, assuming she uses logic with me, it's not right to deny him the chance at a logical analysis, either, so I know I'm not quite in the clear. If he turns out to be a logical conclusion, then, I think I can upgrade him from option 4 to option 2, and, if the harmony for him is stronger than mine, well, I'd understand and try and move on.
This new found discovery helps me understand my depression more. I wanted to kill myself because I felt that my insecurities and fears were real because of the biased and unreasonable consciousness agreed upon me being worthless, and so many other bad things that I know now just aren't true. The harmony was there, but, it was fabricated by depressive thinking- I then realized I had no reason to agree when I broke out of the small opaque barrier it had kept me in and I was able to see things from such a broader horizon, and view just how unreasonable it was after all.
I've been doing my best to ignore what today/last night was through almost non-stop musical input today. I hung out with TB for awhile and then came home, I might get picked up by NY later.
tl;dr
logic + feelings = harmony more beautiful than logic or feelings separately
this harmony applies to her
she isn't using harmony, she's using plain feelings
if she feels a stronger harmony for him than me, well, reluctantly understood, but, i'd be more content with that
depression is a faux harmony
fuck problems, make music
11 years
It's been 11 years since that night... Since the argument between my parents finally escalated to something terrible, despite my mothers' innocence and that she was only sticking up for herself. 11 years since he beat her mercilessly, punched her, dragged her by the hair, slammed her against the concrete sidewalk, threw her into the metal fence around the pool, and so much more I've either made myself forget or didn't witness.
I still remember my brother and sister waking me up. I still remember looking out the window to see my mother there. I still remember wondering what the fuck went wrong, what she could have possibly done to deserve that, why my father wasn't upstairs, and if he was downstairs, why he wasn't helping her. Somewhere in the back of my head I think I already knew he had done it but I desperately didn't want to believe it for the sake of the family. I still remember the police officer who came upstairs to check on us and the tantrum I almost threw when he wasn't downstairs helping my mom.
It's been 11 years since that, since my father got off without punishment, since the 18 month protection from abuse, since my mother left him, since we moved in with my grandmother, since the nights where we would stay up crying, desperately afraid he would kill us in our sleep. 11 years since I first developed post-traumatic stress disorder, have been flinching horribly, have nearly cried at the sound of a loud voice in an angry tone...
I don't want to stay in this place. Why can't I just get over it...? It's been 11 years... My siblings either deny it or ignore it, why can't I be that low...? Why do I have to the big boy, despite being the youngest? Why do I have to be one of the only ones who's still hurting? Why did he get off without punishment? Why is that fucker still alive? How much longer is he gonna be alive? When is God going to finally judge him? Why isn't God answering my prayers? Is he going to Hell at all? Am I the one going to Hell for holding onto this hatred?
Most of all, why did I have to choose this time to throw a fit about one of the only persons who cared about me and push her away from me when I desperately need someone there for me?
This hurts. So much.
I still remember my brother and sister waking me up. I still remember looking out the window to see my mother there. I still remember wondering what the fuck went wrong, what she could have possibly done to deserve that, why my father wasn't upstairs, and if he was downstairs, why he wasn't helping her. Somewhere in the back of my head I think I already knew he had done it but I desperately didn't want to believe it for the sake of the family. I still remember the police officer who came upstairs to check on us and the tantrum I almost threw when he wasn't downstairs helping my mom.
It's been 11 years since that, since my father got off without punishment, since the 18 month protection from abuse, since my mother left him, since we moved in with my grandmother, since the nights where we would stay up crying, desperately afraid he would kill us in our sleep. 11 years since I first developed post-traumatic stress disorder, have been flinching horribly, have nearly cried at the sound of a loud voice in an angry tone...
I don't want to stay in this place. Why can't I just get over it...? It's been 11 years... My siblings either deny it or ignore it, why can't I be that low...? Why do I have to the big boy, despite being the youngest? Why do I have to be one of the only ones who's still hurting? Why did he get off without punishment? Why is that fucker still alive? How much longer is he gonna be alive? When is God going to finally judge him? Why isn't God answering my prayers? Is he going to Hell at all? Am I the one going to Hell for holding onto this hatred?
Most of all, why did I have to choose this time to throw a fit about one of the only persons who cared about me and push her away from me when I desperately need someone there for me?
This hurts. So much.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Saw that day
I lost my mind
Lord, I'm fine
Maybe in time,
You'll want to be mine?
El Mañana - Gorillaz
She cut it off today... To be honest, I'm surprised she took so long to do this... I would have done it to myself a long time ago. It seems like my last stand was worthless, but, it gave me some closure about some stuff... Now that it's over, she wants some time to herself, which I understand completely and am fine with. Her denying me a chance in the future to redeem myself after we're both in better places mentally, emotionally, and physically... That worries me. I still want to be there for her, I want to be everything she could want, and, if given the opportunity, I'm sure it would happen. So, now I sit back, and wait for the time where she thinks she's ready and comes to seek me, which could be anywhere from in two weeks to two years, and any amount of things, including a relationship with the guy from England, happening, if she decides she wants to come seek me ever again.
It's either that or let go... I can't let go. I guess it's time to try and move past this and secretly hope somewhere in my subconscious that as my life goes on, she might turn back to me... But I'm doubting it. First 'G,' now 'R'... there seems to be a pattern here with people and logic... And I keep crawling back for more.
It's just a little upsetting. I was so willing to give up everything and spend the rest of my life with her... I guess she just didn't feel the same, and need to come to terms with the concept that she may never feel the same again after this break and move.
Let's try and stay positive, E.
Lord, I'm fine
Maybe in time,
You'll want to be mine?
El Mañana - Gorillaz
She cut it off today... To be honest, I'm surprised she took so long to do this... I would have done it to myself a long time ago. It seems like my last stand was worthless, but, it gave me some closure about some stuff... Now that it's over, she wants some time to herself, which I understand completely and am fine with. Her denying me a chance in the future to redeem myself after we're both in better places mentally, emotionally, and physically... That worries me. I still want to be there for her, I want to be everything she could want, and, if given the opportunity, I'm sure it would happen. So, now I sit back, and wait for the time where she thinks she's ready and comes to seek me, which could be anywhere from in two weeks to two years, and any amount of things, including a relationship with the guy from England, happening, if she decides she wants to come seek me ever again.
It's either that or let go... I can't let go. I guess it's time to try and move past this and secretly hope somewhere in my subconscious that as my life goes on, she might turn back to me... But I'm doubting it. First 'G,' now 'R'... there seems to be a pattern here with people and logic... And I keep crawling back for more.
It's just a little upsetting. I was so willing to give up everything and spend the rest of my life with her... I guess she just didn't feel the same, and need to come to terms with the concept that she may never feel the same again after this break and move.
Let's try and stay positive, E.
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