Back to the old grind

Sorry, it's been a busy weekend. Where do I start?

Thursday... My mom was fine. Her phone was being screwy. She wasn't mad at me, we got over that really fast. Don't remember too much more.

Friday I was picked up by my aunt, uncle, and cousin. They all seemed really distant. They're always been distant though. We got to my grandmothers house, everyone was upset. My grandfathers daughter showed up for dinner. It was pea soup, mashed potatoes, and pork. Had to deal with dysfunction from my Aunt's superiority issue and my mothers inability to let a situation go when she feels she's right (which she usually is). I went to bed early. Couldn't sleep for half an hour, even on my meds, cause my aunt wouldn't shut the fuck up. She gets so loud when she's drunk.

Saturday. The big funeral day. Everyone was rushing everyone, even though we were all ready ten minutes earlier, each going at our paces. If my Aunt and Uncle weren't such control freaks, life would be much easier. But, of course, I can't have an easier life. I feel that if there is a cosmic force at work, it expects much more of me than I think I have available. I'm a firm Christian but sometimes I feel like God's expecting me to do a miracle by myself. It's a trial, of course, but I'm starting to grow sick of it. After tons of my aunt and uncle rushing my mother- Which, by the way, is extremely low, she's on two canes yet they ask her to run marathons-, and me assuring her that her hair was fine, we got going. Sometimes I think her self image is as poor as mine, but, hers is just unreasonable.

We got there soon and I helped stock the booze into the Church... I really hate alcohol. A lot. I felt as if I was single handedly feeding their addictions. I couldn't put the labor on anyone else, being how self-centered I am. That was a joke. Don't know if it went well over text. After being mistaken for a girl, greeted the guests, was a shoulder to cry on for my grandmother, and asked in futility if I could help downstairs, the event itself began.

There were some passages from Job, some about everlasting life and resurrection through Christ, some speeches that really hit the nail on the head about my grandfather. It brought a tear to my eye to see how many lives he impacted and how hard the impact was on all of us. It was overall a beautiful event. There was no corpse, just his urn- He was cremated. That puzzles me. I always thought he wanted to be buried with his son and wife. I thought incorrectly.

Shit proceeded to hit the fan in my mind when as soon as we got downstairs, the first thing that came out of my aunt's mouth was 'Oh boy, it's finally warm.' I should probably provide some history of my aunt. She's a British, cold control freak who thinks she is the most intelligent human being in our family who we only deal with out of obligation because she married into us. No one really likes her, I'm pretty sure her husband gets sick of her, too, but, no one wants to 'hurt her feelings.' If she has any. I admire her intellect, but, she gets on my nerves, a lot. She yelled at me the night after my uncle (the one who wasn't married to her) committed suicide for crying for my mom. I was ten. I've always been kind of bitter after that. She's indirectly called me stupid for believing in God, indirectly said there's nothing wrong with me and that all of my problems are just planted by my mother, and that if I fail in life, it's obviously my mother's fault. I'm very close with my mother and I really want to punch her in the face every time she says a mean word to her. We've gone through enough abuse as is, the next time she says something, I may just explain to her what PTSD is, if she doesn't already, and tell her to fuck off instead of treating us like crap for her own insecurity.

I had to bite back my tongue. I think God would have been proud of me if that was the trial. Not sure, could just be a coincidence. Some people think it's one and the same. I got to talk to the reverend of the Hungarian Reformed Evangelist Church about some religious topics. I enjoy the company of evangelists. They're the most spiritually friendly people I've met. I love feeling the vibes they give off when just talking about God and existence. He gave me his email, I'm gonna take him up on the offer to talk again some time. He was a very good friend of my uncles before he passed on. I really would like to hear some of the things he knew about my uncle. There was so much I never heard about until after he died. I can't imagine the philosophical talks they had, or my uncles views on it. I'm giddier than a kid in a candy store.

Today I did absolutely nothing. Well, yesterday. I started working on a Team Fortress 2 map. It's not very far in the making yet. Now it's five AM and I have two hours till I have to be up and get ready for school. I don't know if I'm going to sleep. If I do, I'm probably not going to school. If I don't, I'll probably fall asleep at lunch.

Also, Nheat, no moar mad at me? I'm sorry.

I hate myself more and more each day

I missed school today. My mom went out to a doctors appointment. She called me earlier about going shopping for clothing for the funeral. As you can imagine I wasn't so psyched when she said she wanted to go with the mall with me to help choose. I didn't want to go at all. We got into an argument which I proceeded to hang up on her with when she refused to leave me alone after the fifth time asking. She called back and told me how dysfunctional I was acting, and I told her once again I didn't want to talk about this. This time I told her I was hanging up before doing so.

Here's where my PTSD kicks in. Now that I'm calmed down and realized how immature and bratty I'm being, I go to call her back. She doesn't answer. Six tries and no answer. I'm now freaking out thinking I made her kill herself by arguing with her. I know it's probably not true but ever since my uncle killed himself, over something completely unrelated with me, I'm never able to stand my ground up against someone I care about it because I get scared they'll react badly to me hurting their feelings.

Fuck my life, I hope she's okay, proceeding to call again now.

A Rant About CS:S

Not much has happened lately. The funeral is on Saturday. Not looking forward to seeing the corpse but I think they said there would be no showing at the memorial. I've still been upset but I've managed to distract myself with drawing and gaming lately. I know it's not a permanent solution but for now I need time to take in everything as slow as possible. Someone's gotta be strong for the family, and that may end up being me.

I've been playing a lot of CS:S. Specifically the gun game mode. I don't like it. All the people do is camp until they get a powerful weapon and then start spraying. That isn't much fun. It shouldn't take two headshots with a desert eagle to take down someone with a Mac10, you know?

I don't know what I'm going to do today. I rediscovered the Holders recently. Think I'll add some more to their myth. Probably gonna hang out with the weeaboo club later on. Fun. Not. At least I'll get to see EW, JF, and TB, a group of people helping me with a film project.

EDIT: Today is a family members birthday. I'll get to eat cake.

Blink of an Eye

Today I had my friend BS over. He's the one that likes pineapples and made me blog about him. He left at about 5:40. Sometime during the hour, my 'grandfather,' a man who had raised me since birth as his own, passed on. I found out about this about ten minutes ago. I'm probably in shock, but, it feels... calming. It's a relief. He went through so much pain everyday from all of his heart problems, and he died in his sleep, on enough morphine to eliminate the pain. He wasn't living anymore, that isn't life. I would say I feel depressed, but, I don't. I feel guilty. I should feel really, really horrible about this, but, I don't. I know he's at peace- Or whatever you get after this, it can't cause any more physical pain, you no longer have a nervous system. Maybe that's enough to keep me feeling as happy as I can about this. I'm very sad, very struck, and do have the urge to cry, but a lot of these will be tears of joy that he doesn't have to carry on through any more pain. 

RIP Kálmán Sinko

Forever in our hearts and memories

You were a truly good man.

You spoiled me far too much.

I'll miss you, but, I'll see you when I pass on.

Until then, I'll cherish the experience.

I'll always love you.

Your grandson,

-E. Tamás

Life's gay, blog about pineapples instead.

That's something a good friend of mine said to me after I told him I made a blog. So, here. This post is dedicated to pineapples. They hurt if you play football with them. They taste fantastic. They make the punchline of jokes where cannibals force people to shove fruit up their asses. That never made much sense to me, wouldn't the cannibals just kill them anyway? I guess it's kind of to see how desperate someone is for their life. It's odd, you'd think I'd be afraid of death and all that. I'm really not. I think if put in that situation I'd just let them do what they want, it's an inevitability and I'm no one to claim immortality. Wait, wasn't this post supposed to be about pineapples? Today I'm going to play some Steam games, maybe clean my room, and celebrate this post with a sponge under the ocean who lives in a pineapple. Yeah, you wish you were me, don't you?

The wind is an asshole

Yesterday I went to the coffeeshop. I hung out with some friends. I'm also going to make some ammendments to my previous way of naming people. I'll just use initials instead, because I don't think I can remember which was what number. NY, AY, CR, and a few others were there. That girl who bitched me out apparently had a misunderstanding of what I said. She thought I was referring to weed, so that makes it so much better. Not. At least she isn't mad at me over something I didn't say anymore. Something funny happened, though. She said, and I quote a friend who called her out on this, "the most cliché high school statement ever." 'Music is the only thing that keeps me sane.' Bullshit. You're sane regardless. Music soothes you, it doesn't keep the chemical balance of your brain in order, I would know.

CR slept over. The night consisted of eating a traditional Hungarian meal from my moms' heritage, playing some vidya, the normal. I think the highlight of the night consisted of CR shouting at the trash cans that had been rolled into the street by the gusts because the inconsiderate, lazy people of this small town left them out that night. That and when my hat flew off my head for four seconds and I had to run back an entire block in the middle of the street to get it. What can I say? I'm crazy about my fedora.

Today's even worse. The wind is so fucking cold. The last few days have been pretty warm, albeit windy, but, today was just horrible. My hands feel frozen, just from the wind chill. I don't like it, if you haven't gotten that by now. I love winter, I love snow, I just don't like travelling in the cold.

Thank God for four day weekends. Oh, and the presidents, I think they had something to do with the holiday, too.

Presidents' Day Weekend

I have off for the next few days. My teachers like me so much, I'm not only getting Friday off, but Monday too. They even let me have the weekend! Yeah, all in all, I could use a break. School isn't difficult, it's just that it's been a little under two weeks since I started again. My anxiety's down a lot, so it's bearable this year, I simply don't like it.

Anyway, the reason I'm putting a post up this early is because I had a horrible nightmare last night. Not horrible as in "oh my god the Slender man is going to get me" or "ahhhh I'm falling." I wasn't filled with fear. Instead I was filled with sorrow and hatred, something that I've been trying to abolish. It was about my dad. My brother- Who I haven't spoken with in roughly two years now, as well as the rest of that side of the family- and I had finally made up, and we were at some boardwalk, talking about everything. I realized just how much my father effected my life and my mothers life, how bad he had put us through, and, it was terrible. I'm glad I'm awake. Now I can go back to ignoring it. Next time I have a dream about my dad, I'm going to realize a dream is the only way I'm communicating with him, and bitch him the fuck out so my subconscious leaves me alone. Don't you just love lucidity?

The Letter E

That'd be me. For personal reasons, and because I'm not gonna be using this blog for fame, fortune, followers, and something else with f, I'm just going to refer to myself as 'E.' I don't like introductions, I'm not good at them, so, here's my elevator speech: Name's E, 15, somewhere in Northeast USA, Sophomore, clinically depressed but being treated, social anxiety that's being worked through, PTSD, a handful of good friends, a town full of druggies/sluts/wiggers/general idiocy where intelligent conversation is hard to find, and a bunch of people who I would love to hate. That's all you really need to know.

Today's Thursday, February 17th, 2011, although I assume it's going to say that already. I think I'm just going to refer to my town as 'E' as well. I went to a local hangout today to hang out with some friends. It was pretty relaxing earlier. Got to see N1, K1, A1, K2, and a few others who I don't feel like abbreviating. They're really some of the few intellectuals who go there. Unfortunately, I'm relatively younger than most of them so it's hard to find a good topic. That went pretty swell-ly. Is that a word? It is now. Excuse my spelling and grammatical errors, I'm normally cautious but some will slip through. There was a kid outside who fucked up his bike, so a few guys were working on it. The kid himself was high on cough medicine. What a fag. I don't look -down- on drugs, but, I do look down on the desperation and addiction they go through because of it. I mean, really? Are you that set on getting fucked up for a few seconds that you're gonna down cough syrup that tastes like shit? You can die that way, asshole. I didn't feel like saying it, though, since that kid and I already have a bad enough history. Then a lot of people from 'A,' a city over, showed up. Now, by no means am I racist- But, minorities and I typically don't get along, since I expect much more out of them then their mentors and school representatives did. I expect them to be people, not stupid gangsters. Talking like that will probably get me shot.

Everything was pretty okay for the evening. Talked with K1, listened to some music, hung with N1 and A1, got together with a friend of ours named S1 and went to McDonalds. I was buying. I don't feel too bad about it, though- S1's looking for a job, and plus she's pretty hot, N1's looking for a job and has a baby on the way from A1's uterus. Normally I don't think couples in early years like their teens or twenties will work out, but, I just have a really good feeling about their relationship, which is something odd that rarely ever happens They're all good people. We met up with a friend of mine and N1's- C1, I suppose, and sat around talking about what animal would be most effective if zombified. We decided that prehistoric, frozen animals like the Mammoth and Saber Tooth would be the best choice. They'd probably have bacteria that we've long since forgotten about in our immune system, and, after being cryogenically frozen for millions of years, they'd technically be living dead who would pass on disease.

We went back to the coffeeshop. That's when things started to get bad. I don't like most of the people there. I feel mean for saying it but about a fourth of the reason I go there is to watch people fuck up their lives after ignoring my advice about a situation. I don't want to seem holier-than-thou or egocentric, but, I've been through a lot in my life that I don't want to illustrate on. I know what decisions work and what don't. It's entertaining to watch people crumble after not picking the proper choice. I don't smoke- All of my friends do-, so, we went out for a break, after some drawing on a notebook page. We sat out there and talked about a bunch of stupid shit, again. Some girl, whose relatively new, decided to bitch me out for saying either a) smoking was lame or b) I remembered what a friend was laughing about yesterday that someone asked me about. She said, verbatim, "Every time you open your mouth I want to punch you in your face."

That bugs me. Not that she has a problem with me, but, when people say "Herp derp I wanna hit you," why don't they just hit you? Am I supposed to be threatened? I've seen things that make getting hit in the jaw by a nineteen year old seem very, very minuscule. I bit back my tongue from saying "What the fuck's your point?" or "You're a bitch all the time but you don't see me telling you about it" and went with a simple, "Okay..?" She left me alone after that. A few people sort of wtfed with me when she went back inside. I still don't know what I did wrong. Still ruined my night. Vented to N1 about it. Now just chilling at home, decided to make a blog. If nothing else it'll be good to look back on this months from now and see how I've changed, or how I've stayed the same. Let's just hope I can keep up with it and don't give up. I'm also keeping a dream journal on my desktop. If my days get too boring I'll write about some dreams I've been having.

Hi. I'm the letter 'E.'