Blisters form beneathe the surface
No one's gonna make me leave
I'm the one who still believes
The Believers - How To Destroy Angels
The best things in life are worth the wait... I hope.
She and I got to talking for a bit. There are a few more roadblocks than I had initially seen. She's not ashamed of my age, but, she's not comfortable with the reactions a relationship with me might cause among the community.. I have a special person in mind for this one whose name begins with C. Now, normally, I would just solve this problem with a good deck to the face for hurting someone I care about emotionally. I'm about eight hundred miles away. This doesn't seem to be a feasible response. The solution to this is to age far enough that no one could seriously accuse of her of being a predator or cougar, or, wait until I can physically be there to defend her. I don't think that would make the judgement towards her feel any better, though.
This explains a lot. I have to just wait... ten months, at least. I'm not too excited about that, but, I'm willing to wait if it gives me the chance. I promised her that if someone else were to come along, I'd at least give it my all when I tried with whoever it would be, that way I wouldn't be missing out 'because of her,' which I thought was ridiculous. Even if nothing were to come the two of us, I wouldn't have minded wasting time. So far, if it is a waste of time, it's my most enjoyable one thus far in life. I think I love her too much sometimes.
That, and, within these ten months, the guy from another country still has the opportunity to ask her out and I've told her that I want her to do whatever she's comfortable with... which, unfortunately for me, does in fact include dating him. The idea of that makes my heart drop but I'll have to be a big boy about it, I have no other choice, especially for her. I did get a.. bittersweet response to vocalizing my fears that he would ship her over before I got the chance to graduate and see if things were to work out between us when I'm on my own. She said she wouldn't move until at least a year after they were dating. For me, by that time, hopefully, it would be more than a year, so, I wouldn't have that to worry over. However, while I might have her a few months before she goes off and would spend the rest of her life with him, which I'm sure he'd either make perfect for her and make me bite the bullet or harm her and make me want to kill him. Problem being after those months were gone, I'd lose her, no matter how much she says she won't leave. I don't want to go back to being just friends. I don't just care about her romantically but that's something that adds a whole lot to my feelings. She's a great friend- Hell, one of my best. But, the reason for this is because I'm allowed to be open about my feelings. I'm sure he wouldn't like me still having feelings for her regardless of their fairy tale life. I also proposed the idea that if this 'needs' an answer for either of us soon, we take a week or two to test-drive it. If she completely hates it or misses the other guy too much, then, we pull the plug and we'll have our answer as to whether or not she wants something with me.
So, the long wait, and hoping the fates are kind and play the cards in my favor... Bring it. I'm willing to invest this much time into it if it means I could get that opportunity, even if just the chance to have an opportunity. The rewards completely outweigh the vices.
She's moving to Arkansas soon. She hasn't been feeling too well, or, at least she's saying that. I'm worried that all this talk over her relationship status is going to add unneeded stress onto her. She has enough to deal with through leaving friends behind, moving somewhere new, and her family being completely unsupportive. I don't think I can bring myself to try and talk to her about this anymore, not now. I feel so bad... I care for her so much, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. But, through this, I'm taking the chance of being vulnerable and harmed...
Final thoughts.
Worst case scenario: I lose the opportunity and the other guy swoops in and steals part of someone I love from me, but, unless I seriously fuck something up, I get to keep a great friend.
Best case scenario: Things go better than expected after ten months, the relationship works out, we carve the rest of our lives.
I think the rewards outweigh the vices here, as well. Two more days of out patient.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Oh, right, this is kind of important
I am officially off of the seroquel xr. Fuck yeah.
Also, herpity derp. I need to listen to logic more often, it's a lot more pleasant than fear. No one was ignoring me. All my mistake. Herp.
Looking back, I really should have made my entire last post in italics. Oops.
Also, herpity derp. I need to listen to logic more often, it's a lot more pleasant than fear. No one was ignoring me. All my mistake. Herp.
Looking back, I really should have made my entire last post in italics. Oops.
I am a silencing machine
Not gone. Not quite yet.
I'm still here, in the back of your mind.
That uncertainty? That hesitancy? That's me.
Try as you may, keep pouring the pills down your throat.
I'll always be here. Waiting for you to slip. So I can take control again.
Just to rub it in your face, you useless prick.
There's a glimpse into the depressive thoughts that still sneak their way into my brain. It's a quiet presence but it's still there. I can't let go of things like that. No suicidal thoughts, thank God.
I'm feeling very, very unimportant, ignored, and unloved, specifically by some friends of mine who dropped off the face of the Earth last night. I don't want to be mad at them, but, they left me alone with my brain after a day where I really needed them. I can't rely on them like that, though. I'll get over it soon enough.
A lot of these thoughts sprout from my unsure, inferior feelings for her. I just want to be important enough to her. I just want the chance to show that I can be all she could want. It doesn't seem like I will be able to until I'm the only person in the picture, and, to be honest, she's afraid to give that chance, I think. I'm afraid to talk to her due to previous encounters with a boyfriend who was near my age. He pressured and pressured her and basically begged her to get his way. I don't want to be like that, but, unlike him, I'm not a selfish prick, and I know I would bring happiness her way just as steadily as she is mine. This is what happens when I'm left alone with my insecure mind. Fuck.
I'm going to get back to sleep... I'd say I wish I loved her less but that would be a flat out lie. I just hope she understands how much I do love her. I want to make her happy. That's all. I just want to show how much I love her and it seems so far out of reach due to... others who are getting in the way (see: option 4). I can't make her get rid of feelings for other people, and I don't want to... but, if I can blow them out of the water, and I seriously believe I would make her happier long-term than he would, then... I think I'm going to at least try to be who I want her to have. She gives me the self confidence I've seldom seen. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to show her just how important she is and how happy I could make her.
God, I love some people, sometimes.
I'm still here, in the back of your mind.
That uncertainty? That hesitancy? That's me.
Try as you may, keep pouring the pills down your throat.
I'll always be here. Waiting for you to slip. So I can take control again.
Just to rub it in your face, you useless prick.
There's a glimpse into the depressive thoughts that still sneak their way into my brain. It's a quiet presence but it's still there. I can't let go of things like that. No suicidal thoughts, thank God.
I'm feeling very, very unimportant, ignored, and unloved, specifically by some friends of mine who dropped off the face of the Earth last night. I don't want to be mad at them, but, they left me alone with my brain after a day where I really needed them. I can't rely on them like that, though. I'll get over it soon enough.
A lot of these thoughts sprout from my unsure, inferior feelings for her. I just want to be important enough to her. I just want the chance to show that I can be all she could want. It doesn't seem like I will be able to until I'm the only person in the picture, and, to be honest, she's afraid to give that chance, I think. I'm afraid to talk to her due to previous encounters with a boyfriend who was near my age. He pressured and pressured her and basically begged her to get his way. I don't want to be like that, but, unlike him, I'm not a selfish prick, and I know I would bring happiness her way just as steadily as she is mine. This is what happens when I'm left alone with my insecure mind. Fuck.
I'm going to get back to sleep... I'd say I wish I loved her less but that would be a flat out lie. I just hope she understands how much I do love her. I want to make her happy. That's all. I just want to show how much I love her and it seems so far out of reach due to... others who are getting in the way (see: option 4). I can't make her get rid of feelings for other people, and I don't want to... but, if I can blow them out of the water, and I seriously believe I would make her happier long-term than he would, then... I think I'm going to at least try to be who I want her to have. She gives me the self confidence I've seldom seen. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to show her just how important she is and how happy I could make her.
God, I love some people, sometimes.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I've seen good people bleed
"And I thought I had seen it all
But, my own two eyes
Were perfectly normal that day
There's things that I've done
Only seen by the sun
And those things will be buried
With me at my grave"
Iodine Sky - Black Light Burns
They're fixing my medicine. I stood up for myself for once with the head psychiatrist and expressed my extreme displeasure towards the seroquel. They explained to me they didn't remove me on the klonopin because of addiction but rather resistance to it.
Slowly weening off of it, back down to 50 milligrams for the next two days, then 25, then I get off of it for good. There must be a God out there listening to me somewhere.
Working on a video series to resemble but make itself unique from marblehornets. Writing the script now. Let's hope for the best.
But, my own two eyes
Were perfectly normal that day
There's things that I've done
Only seen by the sun
And those things will be buried
With me at my grave"
Iodine Sky - Black Light Burns
They're fixing my medicine. I stood up for myself for once with the head psychiatrist and expressed my extreme displeasure towards the seroquel. They explained to me they didn't remove me on the klonopin because of addiction but rather resistance to it.
Slowly weening off of it, back down to 50 milligrams for the next two days, then 25, then I get off of it for good. There must be a God out there listening to me somewhere.
Working on a video series to resemble but make itself unique from marblehornets. Writing the script now. Let's hope for the best.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
All the pigs are all lined up
I give you all that you want.
Take the skin, peel it back.
Now, doesn't it make you feel... better?
Doesn't it?!
March of the Pigs - Nine Inch Nails
Very annoyed with the psychiatrist in my out patient program. She wasn't there the day they were evaluating me again for my medicines, and my sleep schedule had been fucked when they uped my dosage of Seroquel by 150%. So, instead, I got a new woman with no idea what the fuck she was doing, who knew no history about me, and didn't listen to a word I was telling her.
I explained how the Seroquel makes me feel like I get hit by a truck when it kicks in. She then proceeded to ask why I hadn't been sleeping. As I explain to her that even though my mind is slowed down and my body feels like I'm walking through a swamp even when I'm just breathing, she doesn't seem to get that despite all of this, I was unable to fall asleep. She then twisted my words when I said the Klonopin hadn't been doing the 'kick' into making me sleep as that it was no longer working as a relaxant.
My current medicines:
-Prozac 60 mg (the only thing they didn't fuck with)
-Seroquel 75 mg (so fucking mad about this. I don't like to be paranoid but it appears to me that they try and use this as a godpill.)
-Ambien 1 mg for sleep.
The Ambien makes me drift off to sleep and I feel rested in the morning without any grogginess at all. Now here's my new question:
I don't have psychosis, bipolar, mood swings, or schizophrenia. Those are the most common uses for Seroquel. It has 'benefits' (which are basically unintended side effects) of helping people fall asleep (by making them feel like had all the energy zapped out of them) and (slightly) reduces anxiety (which never worked for me.) Why the fuck am I on this medicine? My paranoid thoughts are making it seem as if the people there are using this as an experiment for us. I shouldn't be on this any longer. I'm going to complain and complain and complain until they remove it.
The Prozac is what helped with my depression, not the Seroquel.
The Ambien is what helps me sleep, not the Seroquel.
The Klonopin is what reduced my anxiety, not the Seroquel.
I'm going to get the fuck off of this pill if it kills me.
In case I haven't pointed it out, they took me off of my Klonopin, you know, the anxiety medication I've been on for weeks. Good move, pigs.
I don't wanna hear that bullshit about how it 'works with other medicines,' either. There is no excuse for keeping me on this. I no longer feel safe with my psychiatric treatment. This is ethically wrong. When they take me off of the Seroquel and replace my medicines with what we've proven works, and they see the lack of Seroquel doesn't do shit to the other medicines, then I'll promptly tell them to bite me.
Well... I can't actually do that last part. Wouldn't be fair. That's someone elses' job, isn't it? :x
Take the skin, peel it back.
Now, doesn't it make you feel... better?
Doesn't it?!
March of the Pigs - Nine Inch Nails
Very annoyed with the psychiatrist in my out patient program. She wasn't there the day they were evaluating me again for my medicines, and my sleep schedule had been fucked when they uped my dosage of Seroquel by 150%. So, instead, I got a new woman with no idea what the fuck she was doing, who knew no history about me, and didn't listen to a word I was telling her.
I explained how the Seroquel makes me feel like I get hit by a truck when it kicks in. She then proceeded to ask why I hadn't been sleeping. As I explain to her that even though my mind is slowed down and my body feels like I'm walking through a swamp even when I'm just breathing, she doesn't seem to get that despite all of this, I was unable to fall asleep. She then twisted my words when I said the Klonopin hadn't been doing the 'kick' into making me sleep as that it was no longer working as a relaxant.
My current medicines:
-Prozac 60 mg (the only thing they didn't fuck with)
-Seroquel 75 mg (so fucking mad about this. I don't like to be paranoid but it appears to me that they try and use this as a godpill.)
-Ambien 1 mg for sleep.
The Ambien makes me drift off to sleep and I feel rested in the morning without any grogginess at all. Now here's my new question:
I don't have psychosis, bipolar, mood swings, or schizophrenia. Those are the most common uses for Seroquel. It has 'benefits' (which are basically unintended side effects) of helping people fall asleep (by making them feel like had all the energy zapped out of them) and (slightly) reduces anxiety (which never worked for me.) Why the fuck am I on this medicine? My paranoid thoughts are making it seem as if the people there are using this as an experiment for us. I shouldn't be on this any longer. I'm going to complain and complain and complain until they remove it.
The Prozac is what helped with my depression, not the Seroquel.
The Ambien is what helps me sleep, not the Seroquel.
The Klonopin is what reduced my anxiety, not the Seroquel.
I'm going to get the fuck off of this pill if it kills me.
In case I haven't pointed it out, they took me off of my Klonopin, you know, the anxiety medication I've been on for weeks. Good move, pigs.
I don't wanna hear that bullshit about how it 'works with other medicines,' either. There is no excuse for keeping me on this. I no longer feel safe with my psychiatric treatment. This is ethically wrong. When they take me off of the Seroquel and replace my medicines with what we've proven works, and they see the lack of Seroquel doesn't do shit to the other medicines, then I'll promptly tell them to bite me.
Well... I can't actually do that last part. Wouldn't be fair. That's someone elses' job, isn't it? :x
Monday, June 20, 2011
While I'm tearing at the seams, I'll apologize to anything
I'm sorry. I'm selfish.
I'm sorry that I behave this way.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
I'm sorry that you lost your faith in me.
I'm Sorry - Voltaire
I'm in a rather... complicated relationship, to say the least. This hasn't started recently, or, not too recent. End of April this was 'officially' begun. Let me see if I can get the short version... Facebook marriage turns into a somewhat 'real' relationship, the problems being an age difference, a distance gap, and that she's mad for a guy on the other side of the world. Granted, I'm a few states away, but, I'm in the same country.
I'm still young so I really have no reason to start complaining yet. Normally, I let go of something if I care. This is not one of those situations. She says how amazing he is, and how much he cares about her, but, from every conversation I've witnessed either with him or from the sidelines, he seems like a cold, mean-spirited douchebag. There was another guy who came along who I was about ready to force her to ask out, but, if I recall, there was no 'spark' there between them. He treated her right, though, at least from what I could tell, and there's yet to be contradicting evidence, as opposed to the .. other person.
At the end of the day, I just want her to be as happy as possible, and, looking at life the way it is, a fifteen year old from another state isn't exactly a perfect shot to happiness. I don't even know what I'm aiming for anymore. My most prominent thought is that, knowing myself, and knowing her, I think the most rational choice would be me- I could ensure her happiness myself, no reliance on other people to make her laugh or smile or console her. Then, there's the second option- once she finds a guy who can make her very happy who will treat her right, urge and support her to choose him. This seems to be the most likely solution- She's moving soon, and being the gem she is, she's going to be found by someone in the new area. The only reason she's single right now is because she hadn't been at the right place at the right time; I'm convinced of it. Third option, try and keep her as happy as possible at a sideline as just a friend while she remained single. This is a bittersweet option. She would be content, but, maybe not as happy as she'd want to be, but, there would be no risk of heartbreak. Finally, we have the dreaded fourth option... I hate this one. Dump everything and let her take her chance with a guy who I honestly don't think is worth the effort she's putting forward.
It's almost scary how much she feels for him... He could break her heart in less than a beat, and, knowing most men... I'm worried. He's already shown signs of instability, at least relationship-wise, from what I've caught onto, and you can judge that as either hawk eyed or paranoid. I don't want her to throw away everything she has to go date the guy in England only for him to- God help him if he would, he'd be castrated faster than a horse- cheat on her for someone he may run into at a bar one night. It's mainly my own insecurities being projected onto her situation, and I know I should just back off, but, we're at a choice of option 1, option 3, and the risky option 4. Option 3 doesn't seem to be keeping her happy, or happy enough- She's torn between this as much as I am, if not more. I don't want to let her be vulnerable to any kind of pain, but, just two years till I'm out of this hellhole valley, and, maybe I'll be some knight in shining armor to come steal her away on a steed to a kingdom. I would be fine with waiting that long to see if things would play out in my favor or in hers up here, as I have promised several people I will visit them, I told her I'd try to move her up to somewhere around here... preferably not in the same area, maybe a few counties over, that would be nice. The only problem is that the main focus in Option 4 is older, has no schooling left to do, and would probably be able to ship her over to the country before I graduate... Feels bad, man...
I love her so much, even if I don't quite understand how. She means so much to me. I can be so open about anything, even the topic at hand, and she's understanding, even if annoyed. She's practically my best friend and she knows more about me and what I've been through than half of the people at my out-patient program (which I'm going to be late for if I don't get some sleep soon...). I want her to be happy, but, I don't want to have to see her get hurt by the third party... Life isn't black and white, there has to be some sort of gray line around here SOMEWHERE that I can let her wander onto without too much worry.
Please stay safe, 'R,' and if you read this before I get to talk to you tomorrow... Thanks for reading, I'm sorry for the argument last night... I think my feelings and views are more organized here and probably a bit easier to take in.
Let's try sleeping again...
I'm sorry that I behave this way.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
I'm sorry that you lost your faith in me.
I'm Sorry - Voltaire
I'm in a rather... complicated relationship, to say the least. This hasn't started recently, or, not too recent. End of April this was 'officially' begun. Let me see if I can get the short version... Facebook marriage turns into a somewhat 'real' relationship, the problems being an age difference, a distance gap, and that she's mad for a guy on the other side of the world. Granted, I'm a few states away, but, I'm in the same country.
I'm still young so I really have no reason to start complaining yet. Normally, I let go of something if I care. This is not one of those situations. She says how amazing he is, and how much he cares about her, but, from every conversation I've witnessed either with him or from the sidelines, he seems like a cold, mean-spirited douchebag. There was another guy who came along who I was about ready to force her to ask out, but, if I recall, there was no 'spark' there between them. He treated her right, though, at least from what I could tell, and there's yet to be contradicting evidence, as opposed to the .. other person.
At the end of the day, I just want her to be as happy as possible, and, looking at life the way it is, a fifteen year old from another state isn't exactly a perfect shot to happiness. I don't even know what I'm aiming for anymore. My most prominent thought is that, knowing myself, and knowing her, I think the most rational choice would be me- I could ensure her happiness myself, no reliance on other people to make her laugh or smile or console her. Then, there's the second option- once she finds a guy who can make her very happy who will treat her right, urge and support her to choose him. This seems to be the most likely solution- She's moving soon, and being the gem she is, she's going to be found by someone in the new area. The only reason she's single right now is because she hadn't been at the right place at the right time; I'm convinced of it. Third option, try and keep her as happy as possible at a sideline as just a friend while she remained single. This is a bittersweet option. She would be content, but, maybe not as happy as she'd want to be, but, there would be no risk of heartbreak. Finally, we have the dreaded fourth option... I hate this one. Dump everything and let her take her chance with a guy who I honestly don't think is worth the effort she's putting forward.
It's almost scary how much she feels for him... He could break her heart in less than a beat, and, knowing most men... I'm worried. He's already shown signs of instability, at least relationship-wise, from what I've caught onto, and you can judge that as either hawk eyed or paranoid. I don't want her to throw away everything she has to go date the guy in England only for him to- God help him if he would, he'd be castrated faster than a horse- cheat on her for someone he may run into at a bar one night. It's mainly my own insecurities being projected onto her situation, and I know I should just back off, but, we're at a choice of option 1, option 3, and the risky option 4. Option 3 doesn't seem to be keeping her happy, or happy enough- She's torn between this as much as I am, if not more. I don't want to let her be vulnerable to any kind of pain, but, just two years till I'm out of this hellhole valley, and, maybe I'll be some knight in shining armor to come steal her away on a steed to a kingdom. I would be fine with waiting that long to see if things would play out in my favor or in hers up here, as I have promised several people I will visit them, I told her I'd try to move her up to somewhere around here... preferably not in the same area, maybe a few counties over, that would be nice. The only problem is that the main focus in Option 4 is older, has no schooling left to do, and would probably be able to ship her over to the country before I graduate... Feels bad, man...
I love her so much, even if I don't quite understand how. She means so much to me. I can be so open about anything, even the topic at hand, and she's understanding, even if annoyed. She's practically my best friend and she knows more about me and what I've been through than half of the people at my out-patient program (which I'm going to be late for if I don't get some sleep soon...). I want her to be happy, but, I don't want to have to see her get hurt by the third party... Life isn't black and white, there has to be some sort of gray line around here SOMEWHERE that I can let her wander onto without too much worry.
Please stay safe, 'R,' and if you read this before I get to talk to you tomorrow... Thanks for reading, I'm sorry for the argument last night... I think my feelings and views are more organized here and probably a bit easier to take in.
Let's try sleeping again...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
My Curse
I, E[REDACTED] T. [EXPUNGED], being of sound mind and body, do declare this:
Beyond this point, upon my death, I do hereby curse the scum of the world to suffer from the same artificially-induced drowsiness and torment that sleep medication has brought me.
-The Letter E
Beyond this point, upon my death, I do hereby curse the scum of the world to suffer from the same artificially-induced drowsiness and torment that sleep medication has brought me.
-The Letter E
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Dusk of the Second Day
I forgot how much I fucking love it here.
We're all problematic children in some sense, but, my god. Allow me to paint you a picture. Two hours before, a guy there, about my age, had some substance abuse problems, decided to flick a bead at this girl's face. This girl is an immature, bratty loudmouth whose older than the both of us. She chases him around the room. No, no, I'm getting to the part. Later on, she decides it's a good idea to (read carefully) paint a piece of construction paper with rubber cement and smack it onto the back of his head. Needless to say, he got angry, ripped it off (ow) and smacked it on the top of her hair, much to her protest. She then proceeded, although they were both now even, to punch him in his face, to which he almost wrecked her.
Totally fair trade, right?
Heh. Made my day. Life's pretty good. Talking about my father wasn't what I wanted to do today but... It's better than holding it all in. Hopefully things get better.
We're all problematic children in some sense, but, my god. Allow me to paint you a picture. Two hours before, a guy there, about my age, had some substance abuse problems, decided to flick a bead at this girl's face. This girl is an immature, bratty loudmouth whose older than the both of us. She chases him around the room. No, no, I'm getting to the part. Later on, she decides it's a good idea to (read carefully) paint a piece of construction paper with rubber cement and smack it onto the back of his head. Needless to say, he got angry, ripped it off (ow) and smacked it on the top of her hair, much to her protest. She then proceeded, although they were both now even, to punch him in his face, to which he almost wrecked her.
Totally fair trade, right?
Heh. Made my day. Life's pretty good. Talking about my father wasn't what I wanted to do today but... It's better than holding it all in. Hopefully things get better.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Float on
So, turns out my evaluation was today. I got to sleep in but woke up that news. It was... surprising. I think for the way my anxiety used to be, I handled the change relatively well. They did the interview, asking the questions, and I went into some detail about what was going on... They understood perfectly. I'm amazed, really. Here I was, expecting a complete denial of case, but, they sympathized with what I've been going through, and I'm to start there again on Tuesday. My mother's homecare worker is supposed to drive me there in the mornings, and I suppose I'll either call a cab, catch a bus, or have NY pick me up if he isn't at work.
Sometimes, the universe gives you a freebie. Never take them for granted.
Sometimes, the universe gives you a freebie. Never take them for granted.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Time does not heal, and time does not mend
It's not a matter of God.
It's not a matter of 'faith.'
It's just a cycle we create.
The bird who broke his wings...
Time does not heal, and, time does not mend.
The Bird Who Broke Its Own Wings - Roid Rage of Pennsylvania
This song is making me cry, and, justly so. It was about the miscarriage of the lead singers child. I know him personally, but, I didn't know him back when this had happened. I'm going to weep like a baby now.
Tomorrow I'm to go into school, pick up the work I've missed, bring it all home, work on it, and prepare for an evaluation the day after at the same out patient building I had been thrown into about this time last year. It's not a bad place, and it's only a partial program. I don't have to stay there all day or anything, it's 9-3, if I'm remembering correctly. I just don't know what to expect. They might reject the case because I'm not a threat to myself, and, I refuse to lie about something like that. I don't know what other options I really have anymore. I'm just going to float on and hope the current takes me to a better place.
It's not a matter of 'faith.'
It's just a cycle we create.
The bird who broke his wings...
Time does not heal, and, time does not mend.
The Bird Who Broke Its Own Wings - Roid Rage of Pennsylvania
This song is making me cry, and, justly so. It was about the miscarriage of the lead singers child. I know him personally, but, I didn't know him back when this had happened. I'm going to weep like a baby now.
Tomorrow I'm to go into school, pick up the work I've missed, bring it all home, work on it, and prepare for an evaluation the day after at the same out patient building I had been thrown into about this time last year. It's not a bad place, and it's only a partial program. I don't have to stay there all day or anything, it's 9-3, if I'm remembering correctly. I just don't know what to expect. They might reject the case because I'm not a threat to myself, and, I refuse to lie about something like that. I don't know what other options I really have anymore. I'm just going to float on and hope the current takes me to a better place.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hypocrisy
I am a living, breathing contradiction.
My last post was about using logic to essentially underwhelm myself from emotional outburst and revert to numbness if needed. Well, guess who had a PTSD-fueled nightmare last night, and was unable to attend school due to fear of emotional response? Did you guess me? Because, that's right, it's me.
I'm so afraid of what's to come. I only know two things for sure, and that's that I'm in deep shit with the law for my absences, and that I'm about to choose things from a very black and white perspective, because, no matter how vibrant these hues are to me, or how differentiated these grays are, it seems beyond anyone else's comprehension to see a middle ground. No, I'm forced to pick an extremity.
I don't want to go into school during the mornings because of the feelings that swell up overnight or the dreams that my subconscious forces upon me. I really am not a bad kid. I'm not being truant. A kid playing hooky wouldn't spend all of his time locked up in his room feeling like complete shit.
It's not the depression, either. It's actual emotion, and it's killing me faster than the depression was. The magistrate still sees my absences as truant, no matter how many times my counselor or psychiatrist have explained my condition. The only thing I can do now is get re-evaluated so they can use my emotional outbursts as a legitimate excuse instead of them thinking I'm STILL bullshitting. I'm sorry, I don't see anyone else who went through the same shit that I do getting up in the morning with a smile on their face ready to conquer social anxiety and depression.
My re-evaluation is going to be soon. I'm not suicidal. I am somewhat homicidal, but, I don't think anyone believes just how severe that is. The only reason that sonofabitch is still alive is because I don't have access to transportation or weaponry, or this would have been settled between one of us long ago. The doctors will see the severity though, and, I'm afraid of being hospitalized. I narrowly dodged the bullet almost a year ago because they couldn't get me for being in a state to kill myself, I just wanted to die. Now? I don't just want to kill someone. I'm in a state to kill and because of that, the emotions that I've been dealing with stop me from going into school due to fear that I'll accidentally redirect said lifetaking feeling to whichever dumbass starts talking off to me. I don't want a criminal record for assault. I'm sick of being a contradiction.
So, the past few weeks, I've been moving in and out of the big question:
Am I willing to unlawfully be absent or am I willing to risk this against a lower human being?
I've been choosing unlawfully absent for the good of everyone, but, that's not good enough, as always. So, the only way to get these absences accounted for and hopefully not have to deal with the court later on in July is to be re-evaluated. I'm so afraid. I just want to disappear. Not die. Just disappear for a little while. Then again, this sounds too much like the way I was when I was depressed. Now I'm at a different question: Am I willing to continue going against the law system or am I willing to risk being hospitalized?
I don't have a choice this time. Everything feels like it's slipping from my fingers. I got so fucking far from where I was last year, and, now it's like I'm being tossed back all the way to the beginning.
Until that re-evaluation, all I can do is try to turn off my emotions, go on logic mode for finals, and get into school. God, please help me... I'm afraid. Just in case some of the friends who I was talking to today see this, please know that I'm not trying to hide anything from you. It's just easier for me to help you all with your problems and comfort you than to drag in my own comedic tragedy that I call a life. I'm not being insincere, I -do- care about you, but, I couldn't handle to tell you about what I've been dealing with. I don't mean to lie, and I hope you don't view it as such. Pray for me, please, and, if you're not convinced prayer does anything, just keep me in good thought.
My last post was about using logic to essentially underwhelm myself from emotional outburst and revert to numbness if needed. Well, guess who had a PTSD-fueled nightmare last night, and was unable to attend school due to fear of emotional response? Did you guess me? Because, that's right, it's me.
I'm so afraid of what's to come. I only know two things for sure, and that's that I'm in deep shit with the law for my absences, and that I'm about to choose things from a very black and white perspective, because, no matter how vibrant these hues are to me, or how differentiated these grays are, it seems beyond anyone else's comprehension to see a middle ground. No, I'm forced to pick an extremity.
I don't want to go into school during the mornings because of the feelings that swell up overnight or the dreams that my subconscious forces upon me. I really am not a bad kid. I'm not being truant. A kid playing hooky wouldn't spend all of his time locked up in his room feeling like complete shit.
It's not the depression, either. It's actual emotion, and it's killing me faster than the depression was. The magistrate still sees my absences as truant, no matter how many times my counselor or psychiatrist have explained my condition. The only thing I can do now is get re-evaluated so they can use my emotional outbursts as a legitimate excuse instead of them thinking I'm STILL bullshitting. I'm sorry, I don't see anyone else who went through the same shit that I do getting up in the morning with a smile on their face ready to conquer social anxiety and depression.
My re-evaluation is going to be soon. I'm not suicidal. I am somewhat homicidal, but, I don't think anyone believes just how severe that is. The only reason that sonofabitch is still alive is because I don't have access to transportation or weaponry, or this would have been settled between one of us long ago. The doctors will see the severity though, and, I'm afraid of being hospitalized. I narrowly dodged the bullet almost a year ago because they couldn't get me for being in a state to kill myself, I just wanted to die. Now? I don't just want to kill someone. I'm in a state to kill and because of that, the emotions that I've been dealing with stop me from going into school due to fear that I'll accidentally redirect said lifetaking feeling to whichever dumbass starts talking off to me. I don't want a criminal record for assault. I'm sick of being a contradiction.
So, the past few weeks, I've been moving in and out of the big question:
Am I willing to unlawfully be absent or am I willing to risk this against a lower human being?
I've been choosing unlawfully absent for the good of everyone, but, that's not good enough, as always. So, the only way to get these absences accounted for and hopefully not have to deal with the court later on in July is to be re-evaluated. I'm so afraid. I just want to disappear. Not die. Just disappear for a little while. Then again, this sounds too much like the way I was when I was depressed. Now I'm at a different question: Am I willing to continue going against the law system or am I willing to risk being hospitalized?
I don't have a choice this time. Everything feels like it's slipping from my fingers. I got so fucking far from where I was last year, and, now it's like I'm being tossed back all the way to the beginning.
Until that re-evaluation, all I can do is try to turn off my emotions, go on logic mode for finals, and get into school. God, please help me... I'm afraid. Just in case some of the friends who I was talking to today see this, please know that I'm not trying to hide anything from you. It's just easier for me to help you all with your problems and comfort you than to drag in my own comedic tragedy that I call a life. I'm not being insincere, I -do- care about you, but, I couldn't handle to tell you about what I've been dealing with. I don't mean to lie, and I hope you don't view it as such. Pray for me, please, and, if you're not convinced prayer does anything, just keep me in good thought.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Do you feel that..?
Heh. Sucks to be you.
My therapist and I recently discussed my paranoia and my fear of becoming numb due to an insecurity of losing control over said numbness. I didn't want to revert to a stage where I would never feel again. He reassured me that the reason I lost control was because of my depression, and, now that I have taken this very tight grip over how my life is headed, I should have no problem being able to turn myself off for a few minutes when it needs to be done.
This is going to make my days a lot easier. I've been overly emotional recently, and, some time off is just what I need. Now, just to find where that pesky lever is that turns my numbness on. I assume it's somewhere next to the socket where my brain is unplugged from.
Beginning to see relationships as a futile waste of time that I want to avoid. Maybe that will change. I'm in logic-mode right now, and I can feel the fog rolling in to take away my sensations. Ironically enough, I do feel something.
I feel good.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I can win this war by knowing not to fight
I feel it coming apart. Well, at least I tried.
Me, I'm Not - Nine Inch Nails
I have a good friend named logic. It helps me figure out situations and the most rational solution to problems. For instance, what do I do when a girl who I have strong feelings for, and for good reasons, has strong feelings for someone else, with the variables being if she has any at all for me, if she truly knows me, and, if her reasoning is good.
I'll provide the facts I've dug into and uprooted.
-She's smart, but, fallible.
-I literally know next to nothing about him.
-I know even less about the interactions between them.
-I'm pretty awesome.
So, any person without clouded judgement would not settle for second best- Unless of an insecurity that would make them think the best option is out of reach. This leaves me with a few possibilities. There is no real feeling between them that is validated, which renders that illogical, her interpretation of me is incorrect, which renders any feeling or lack thereof for me illogical, or, she's insecure, which is just a fancy way of saying we're not being logical in our thinking.
All this time I've been looking for a reason that -I- needed to be the fallible one, not the off chance that perhaps it's both, or unrelated. So, basically, this isn't my fault. That's reassuring.
I want to kill away the feelings I had for her, especially if she's going to continue to be illogical like this. I've been listening to some new music to try and drown out thought upon trivial matters and look into something much more important- the meaning of a song by some band no one has ever heard of. I'm so constructive! Anyway, going to bed early, need to get into school a bit earlier than usual on account of the senior testing schedule.
Me, I'm Not - Nine Inch Nails
I have a good friend named logic. It helps me figure out situations and the most rational solution to problems. For instance, what do I do when a girl who I have strong feelings for, and for good reasons, has strong feelings for someone else, with the variables being if she has any at all for me, if she truly knows me, and, if her reasoning is good.
I'll provide the facts I've dug into and uprooted.
-She's smart, but, fallible.
-I literally know next to nothing about him.
-I know even less about the interactions between them.
-I'm pretty awesome.
So, any person without clouded judgement would not settle for second best- Unless of an insecurity that would make them think the best option is out of reach. This leaves me with a few possibilities. There is no real feeling between them that is validated, which renders that illogical, her interpretation of me is incorrect, which renders any feeling or lack thereof for me illogical, or, she's insecure, which is just a fancy way of saying we're not being logical in our thinking.
All this time I've been looking for a reason that -I- needed to be the fallible one, not the off chance that perhaps it's both, or unrelated. So, basically, this isn't my fault. That's reassuring.
I want to kill away the feelings I had for her, especially if she's going to continue to be illogical like this. I've been listening to some new music to try and drown out thought upon trivial matters and look into something much more important- the meaning of a song by some band no one has ever heard of. I'm so constructive! Anyway, going to bed early, need to get into school a bit earlier than usual on account of the senior testing schedule.
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