And it's facebook official, the two of them are now in a relationship. I felt numb, then angry, then exalted, now down. Sleep meds kicking in. bed time.
sllee pnow.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The forest is on fire, but, we're gonna let it burn
We're controlling it, we've got it handled. Thanks for your concern.
Well, today I talked to her... confirmed that she didn't like me. Confirmed that she was interested in that other guy. Also got a few things settled so, I'm feeling pretty okay. I thought it would hurt more than this. I guess not.
A few facts:
-She doesn't like transparency in guys, she loses interest.
Too bad that I'm an open book to those willing to read. I've got no mysterious allure to me. Oh well.
-She feels the need to earn attention, not just be given it, otherwise it's pointless
I can understand this. The grade isn't worth the points unless you gave effort it. Too bad, being me, I would be more than willing to give her all the love in the world for no other reason than because she's her. I could try and front and make it seem like it's what she does that makes me pay attention, but, that's not going to happen. I'm not gonna change myself for anyone else.
However, I may try a little experiment. I think I'm going to be a bit more reserved with my thoughts from now on to prove a point to the both of us. Just because I'm openly talking about my thoughts doesn't mean I think any less than those who are a bit more opaque. Spite, spite, jealousy, spite.
Here's a song I wrote earlier when I was still mad at her perspective. I'm over it now. I'll eventually put a guitar over it. A cappella for now.
Well, today I talked to her... confirmed that she didn't like me. Confirmed that she was interested in that other guy. Also got a few things settled so, I'm feeling pretty okay. I thought it would hurt more than this. I guess not.
A few facts:
-She doesn't like transparency in guys, she loses interest.
Too bad that I'm an open book to those willing to read. I've got no mysterious allure to me. Oh well.
-She feels the need to earn attention, not just be given it, otherwise it's pointless
I can understand this. The grade isn't worth the points unless you gave effort it. Too bad, being me, I would be more than willing to give her all the love in the world for no other reason than because she's her. I could try and front and make it seem like it's what she does that makes me pay attention, but, that's not going to happen. I'm not gonna change myself for anyone else.
However, I may try a little experiment. I think I'm going to be a bit more reserved with my thoughts from now on to prove a point to the both of us. Just because I'm openly talking about my thoughts doesn't mean I think any less than those who are a bit more opaque. Spite, spite, jealousy, spite.
Here's a song I wrote earlier when I was still mad at her perspective. I'm over it now. I'll eventually put a guitar over it. A cappella for now.
Monday, May 30, 2011
I feel fantastic
And I've never felt as good as how I do right now, except for maybe when I think of how I felt that day when I felt the way that I do right now.
Today, NY and AY dragged me out of the house to go swimming at a river...creek... thing. It was only about four feet deep at the worst part, but, was at least thirty feet across, so, I guess that would make it a river? It was nice and refreshing. I was iffy about getting into natural water, but, I think my body needed to get back to nature for a little while. I also got a bit of a tan, so, that's good, too.
Later on we went with some friends of theirs to a chicken place where we nommed the hell out of possibly the best nachos I've ever had. It's funny- A Catholic, a Jew, a Spiritual Christian, a pagan, and a confused-on-belief-systems guy brought together by the smaller things. As the old saying goes, we're so close, no matter how far. I'm glad I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to put aside differences between moral value and belief and all that shit. Looking for intelligence in a person is my number one priority.
Speaking of intelligence, I think that maybe, just, maybe, my interest is trolling me. I finally talked to her today, deciding I had given her enough space. No mention whatsoever of the previous conversation, just some chit chat before the both of us became busy. Hopefully if I see her tomorrow, things will go smoothly, God willing...
Happy Memorial Day. Here's a quick thank you to all of the brave men and women who risked or gave up their lives for our country, regardless of the reasoning.
-E
Today, NY and AY dragged me out of the house to go swimming at a river...creek... thing. It was only about four feet deep at the worst part, but, was at least thirty feet across, so, I guess that would make it a river? It was nice and refreshing. I was iffy about getting into natural water, but, I think my body needed to get back to nature for a little while. I also got a bit of a tan, so, that's good, too.
Later on we went with some friends of theirs to a chicken place where we nommed the hell out of possibly the best nachos I've ever had. It's funny- A Catholic, a Jew, a Spiritual Christian, a pagan, and a confused-on-belief-systems guy brought together by the smaller things. As the old saying goes, we're so close, no matter how far. I'm glad I'm at a point in my life where I'm able to put aside differences between moral value and belief and all that shit. Looking for intelligence in a person is my number one priority.
Speaking of intelligence, I think that maybe, just, maybe, my interest is trolling me. I finally talked to her today, deciding I had given her enough space. No mention whatsoever of the previous conversation, just some chit chat before the both of us became busy. Hopefully if I see her tomorrow, things will go smoothly, God willing...
Happy Memorial Day. Here's a quick thank you to all of the brave men and women who risked or gave up their lives for our country, regardless of the reasoning.
-E
Sunday, May 29, 2011
It takes your mind, again
You've got suckers luck, have you given up?
Does it feel like a trial?
Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?
Exile...
It takes your mind, again.
Vilify...
Don't even try.
The National - Exile Vilify
I finally told her how I felt about her. Her response was, and, forgive me, but, the sentence has been echoing in my head for the last few days now, "I don't know what to say..."
This leaves two options. She's either trying to break it to me gently and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no, or, she actually doesn't know how she feels. I hope to God it isn't just a delayed negatory or else I'm going to scream. The entire point of me telling her at that time was so that I wouldn't be waiting for something that would never happen, and I'd have a direct "No." Now here I am, stuck with my own thoughts, taking the advice to not message her first, let her come to her own conclusion and contact me when she's ready. My own brain is starting to tear itself part waiting for an answer. If it somehow does end up being a "I like you, too," then I really have no right to bitch, but, my insecurities are stopping me from accepting that as a possibility.
I feel a bit unimportant. People are telling me how much they need me and want me to be happy, but, I'm easily replaced, and they wouldn't give up half of what they say they would for me.
Yes, I am alone, but, then again I always was for as back as I can tell. I think maybe it's because you were never -really- real to begin with. I just made you up to hurt myself.
And it worked.
Does it feel like a trial?
Does it trouble your mind the way you trouble mine?
Exile...
It takes your mind, again.
Vilify...
Don't even try.
The National - Exile Vilify
I finally told her how I felt about her. Her response was, and, forgive me, but, the sentence has been echoing in my head for the last few days now, "I don't know what to say..."
This leaves two options. She's either trying to break it to me gently and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no, or, she actually doesn't know how she feels. I hope to God it isn't just a delayed negatory or else I'm going to scream. The entire point of me telling her at that time was so that I wouldn't be waiting for something that would never happen, and I'd have a direct "No." Now here I am, stuck with my own thoughts, taking the advice to not message her first, let her come to her own conclusion and contact me when she's ready. My own brain is starting to tear itself part waiting for an answer. If it somehow does end up being a "I like you, too," then I really have no right to bitch, but, my insecurities are stopping me from accepting that as a possibility.
I feel a bit unimportant. People are telling me how much they need me and want me to be happy, but, I'm easily replaced, and they wouldn't give up half of what they say they would for me.
Yes, I am alone, but, then again I always was for as back as I can tell. I think maybe it's because you were never -really- real to begin with. I just made you up to hurt myself.
And it worked.
Friday, May 27, 2011
It's a girl
As I previously stated, I think, NY and AY are having a baby. They found out its gender a few days ago- If you didn't figure out what it is by the title of this post you should feel bad about yourself. Her name's going to be Tesslyn, or Tess for short. Her name sounds adorable. I'm glad that I'll be an uncle figure when the time comes, just by knowing the parents, she's going to be the cutest child ever. I don't have any of the ultrasound pictures, but, I scanned them for the proud parents, and so far, she's healthy. Thank God.
Yesterday was busy but felt short. I went a lot of places with a lot of different people. There was a thunderstorm just before we left Applebees. I took this time of stalling to write a note on the paper the utensils came in for the person who was serving us. "You are a good employee, a very likable person, and have many friends who appreciate you. - (OBSERVING SYMBOL HERE). On the back I scribbled some Slender man paranoia and left a five dollar tip. Under the five dollar tip was another note saying "I (OBSERVER SYMBOL) ALL," and on the back of that was a link to TribeTwelve as well as some drawings of a Metapod. I'm sure he was very confused but pleased.
'She' hasn't been in contact with me much lately. I had an amazing ice breaker via text message that I'm sure if nothing else could be laughed about for how lame it was. Sent an empty message, she responded questioning it, and I promptly apologized, as my mind had drawn a blank. Pahahahahaha. I'm pathetic with comedy. Most of mine revolves around how stupid the jokes are that I make. No response from the perfect ice breaker, or the news that NY was having a girl. I figure her phone might be being screwy, but, I'm not jumping to any conclusions.
I saw her today for two seconds while going up a staircase. I waved, but, she didn't seem to notice. She looked out of it, might have just been a rough day for her, or something. There will be other chances. I'm thinking about finally manning up and telling her how I feel, but, I'm hesitant. Speaking of how I feel, R, mai waifu on Facebook, is meeting up with someone who she really likes later today and going to a con with him this weekend. I figure that'll be good for her, even if I am a bit jealous. It's silly to be jealous though- She's from states away and much older than I am. Oh well. The guy sounds nice enough. As long as he treats her right I won't interfere. But, if he hurts her, well... He'll regret it in more way than one.
So, here I am in my retard study hall, doing absolutely nothing with my time. I've been talking with a friend of mine about his SM blog. He's going to restart it soon. Hopefully it won't become a derelict this time. Heh. Sorry, that was inside humor. I figure I'll plan some Portal 2 maps, putting a twist on some of the originals with the thermal redirection instead of the super colliding super button. Don't know what the rest of the day holds for me, but, I'm hoping for the best, if God is willing. Maybe I'll run into 'her' again.
Yesterday was busy but felt short. I went a lot of places with a lot of different people. There was a thunderstorm just before we left Applebees. I took this time of stalling to write a note on the paper the utensils came in for the person who was serving us. "You are a good employee, a very likable person, and have many friends who appreciate you. - (OBSERVING SYMBOL HERE). On the back I scribbled some Slender man paranoia and left a five dollar tip. Under the five dollar tip was another note saying "I (OBSERVER SYMBOL) ALL," and on the back of that was a link to TribeTwelve as well as some drawings of a Metapod. I'm sure he was very confused but pleased.
'She' hasn't been in contact with me much lately. I had an amazing ice breaker via text message that I'm sure if nothing else could be laughed about for how lame it was. Sent an empty message, she responded questioning it, and I promptly apologized, as my mind had drawn a blank. Pahahahahaha. I'm pathetic with comedy. Most of mine revolves around how stupid the jokes are that I make. No response from the perfect ice breaker, or the news that NY was having a girl. I figure her phone might be being screwy, but, I'm not jumping to any conclusions.
I saw her today for two seconds while going up a staircase. I waved, but, she didn't seem to notice. She looked out of it, might have just been a rough day for her, or something. There will be other chances. I'm thinking about finally manning up and telling her how I feel, but, I'm hesitant. Speaking of how I feel, R, mai waifu on Facebook, is meeting up with someone who she really likes later today and going to a con with him this weekend. I figure that'll be good for her, even if I am a bit jealous. It's silly to be jealous though- She's from states away and much older than I am. Oh well. The guy sounds nice enough. As long as he treats her right I won't interfere. But, if he hurts her, well... He'll regret it in more way than one.
So, here I am in my retard study hall, doing absolutely nothing with my time. I've been talking with a friend of mine about his SM blog. He's going to restart it soon. Hopefully it won't become a derelict this time. Heh. Sorry, that was inside humor. I figure I'll plan some Portal 2 maps, putting a twist on some of the originals with the thermal redirection instead of the super colliding super button. Don't know what the rest of the day holds for me, but, I'm hoping for the best, if God is willing. Maybe I'll run into 'her' again.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Doped up and posting
It's 2 AM, my meds are knocking me out, and I have nothing to do, so, here's some art and a quick wrap-up.
I dedicate this art-dump to 'R.' I want to clear a few things up. I don't hate him, I just don't like how he's hurt you. I was willing to give him a chance, that's on him, not on me. I don't hate any human being in the earth besides my father and sooner or later that too will fade. I love you, never doubt that. I'd never want to do anything to hurt you or do anything that would cause you harm. I'm so sorry for making you feel the way you had.
Right click and click 'open in a new tab' or 'view image' or whatever to see the full sizes.
I must consume... Consume everything.
Does this make you cringe? It doesn't make me move.
The Collector - NIN
Head Like a Hole -NIN
Down in It - NIN
Doodles
The March of those Fuckheads
I dedicate this art-dump to 'R.' I want to clear a few things up. I don't hate him, I just don't like how he's hurt you. I was willing to give him a chance, that's on him, not on me. I don't hate any human being in the earth besides my father and sooner or later that too will fade. I love you, never doubt that. I'd never want to do anything to hurt you or do anything that would cause you harm. I'm so sorry for making you feel the way you had.
Right click and click 'open in a new tab' or 'view image' or whatever to see the full sizes.
I must consume... Consume everything.
While she looks so sad in photographs, I absolutely love her when she smiles
I know, I can already feel your hatred rising up against me because of the way that I've given into the man by quoting a cliché but... I can't explain it. So here's my half-hazard attempt at describing why I'm feeling so amazing right now.
This probably means nothing to anyone else, but, I waved again today as we passed. Normally, she doesn't see me- My school is crowded as hell, which must be at least half of the 100 billion who lived- at least not until we're already gone. I'd catch glimpses of her just looking up as I make eye contact with this stupid, peppy smile on my face. I could have someone in front of me who I'm ready to kill, but, just seeing her? Then nothing else becomes important, and that's just the sight of her. So, the fates would have it kind that we were moving just a bit slower, and that I managed to see her a bit earlier than usual. I waved, and of course said in that esteemed voice that I sometimes get when talking with her, "Hey!" What a rebel of me, one whole word. I might do something crazy next time, like go out and rob armored trucks. This prompted her to look up, and start waving back, when I had just managed to get a glimpse of her beginning to smile.
All of this happened in a time span of about five seconds and since then, I've felt so amazing. I feel like such a creep, but, I don't think seeing anyone for that short amount of time with that small an interaction has ever made me as happy as I've been.
I don't remember if I've gone into detail about her, but, basically, she's smart, she's beautiful, she doesn't judge, and she has a sense of humor. This may not seem like much, but, around here, in this small town full of fuckheads? She's like a goddess compared to them, but, I'm not stuck up enough to take any credit away from the Lord, who I feel is just pushing me forward. I don't feel like I'm just talking to someone I know- I feel like we're actually friends, even if we haven't hung out very often, or at all. She tends to include me in things that are going on with her. Last night she sent me roughly 7 pictures of her room. Her walls are plastered in cut outs and printings and paintings and drawings. She really didn't have to, but, I feel like she went out of her way to make me familiar with that. There could easily have been other people to message or dick around with, as she's quite the character, at least with the ones who haven't outcasted her. I feel like someone ACTUALLY understands me, someone gets me, they know how I tick, why I do, and all of that. Every time I think I'm doing something intrusive or coming on too strong, it turns out we're just breaking the mold and reaching into a common comfort zone. Hopefully I don't have to force feed myself these next words, but, I'd still be incredibly happy to just remain friends.
Today's been a blur of crazy since then. My friends have made me so happy these past few days. These might just be the best days of my life to date.
I'll dump some art next time- I need to get to sleep, if I can, at all. It's hot as fuck out here and the air conditioner hasn't kicked in yet.
This probably means nothing to anyone else, but, I waved again today as we passed. Normally, she doesn't see me- My school is crowded as hell, which must be at least half of the 100 billion who lived- at least not until we're already gone. I'd catch glimpses of her just looking up as I make eye contact with this stupid, peppy smile on my face. I could have someone in front of me who I'm ready to kill, but, just seeing her? Then nothing else becomes important, and that's just the sight of her. So, the fates would have it kind that we were moving just a bit slower, and that I managed to see her a bit earlier than usual. I waved, and of course said in that esteemed voice that I sometimes get when talking with her, "Hey!" What a rebel of me, one whole word. I might do something crazy next time, like go out and rob armored trucks. This prompted her to look up, and start waving back, when I had just managed to get a glimpse of her beginning to smile.
All of this happened in a time span of about five seconds and since then, I've felt so amazing. I feel like such a creep, but, I don't think seeing anyone for that short amount of time with that small an interaction has ever made me as happy as I've been.
I don't remember if I've gone into detail about her, but, basically, she's smart, she's beautiful, she doesn't judge, and she has a sense of humor. This may not seem like much, but, around here, in this small town full of fuckheads? She's like a goddess compared to them, but, I'm not stuck up enough to take any credit away from the Lord, who I feel is just pushing me forward. I don't feel like I'm just talking to someone I know- I feel like we're actually friends, even if we haven't hung out very often, or at all. She tends to include me in things that are going on with her. Last night she sent me roughly 7 pictures of her room. Her walls are plastered in cut outs and printings and paintings and drawings. She really didn't have to, but, I feel like she went out of her way to make me familiar with that. There could easily have been other people to message or dick around with, as she's quite the character, at least with the ones who haven't outcasted her. I feel like someone ACTUALLY understands me, someone gets me, they know how I tick, why I do, and all of that. Every time I think I'm doing something intrusive or coming on too strong, it turns out we're just breaking the mold and reaching into a common comfort zone. Hopefully I don't have to force feed myself these next words, but, I'd still be incredibly happy to just remain friends.
Today's been a blur of crazy since then. My friends have made me so happy these past few days. These might just be the best days of my life to date.
I'll dump some art next time- I need to get to sleep, if I can, at all. It's hot as fuck out here and the air conditioner hasn't kicked in yet.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
"The best thing about life
is knowing you put it together."
Trent Reznor, 'A Warm Place,' The Downward Spiral
I couldn't agree more. The feeling of control of what's going on in my life is overwhelming. I've never felt so liberated, like I had such a choice in what I do. It feels great to make my own decisions again. I can finally take credit for my achievements and take blame for my mistakes. I'm not quite sure if this is how 'normal' people feel, but, if not... I hit the jackpot, going through that depression was worth it to attain this feeling. For awhile I had been considering what my point was here on this Earth. I was beginning to once again wonder if I wasn't put into this existence to be happy, but, to serve as an example to others, and be a shoulder to lean on. I feel relatively stupid for entertaining that thought now. I'm realizing my chances aren't over until I let them be over, or until someone actively and specifically states contradicting evidence. It's not over until I decide to let the fat lady sing, and, being a bit shallow, I don't think I'll let her.
Feeling very esteemed. Things haven't changed much with the girl I like; I got to see her for roughly two seconds today without realizing it was her until after I was too far away. The other day we were talking and I dropped some rather obvious yet indirect hints that I liked her, and, because she wasn't repulsed at the very mention of the idea, and because it didn't seem to be shot down, I'm beginning to think I still have a chance until she says I don't, or until I give up. Here's a hint: It won't be the latter. I decided earlier today that I'm going to make this day fantastic if I have to kick it's ass to get it to be enjoyable. So far? Going pretty well. I'm in a study-support period- Basically, study hall for the kids who have issues- so I figured why the hell not blog about the day so far? Last time I let someone ruin the feeling without them directly stating why it should be ruined. No more of those mistakes. I'm keeping my confidence and my drive until I'm given a good, validated reason to stop, and, I don't think I'll be getting one of those any time soon.
I'm feeling a bit closer to God recently (u c whut i did thar), and I find myself praying about things I would normally find too insignificant to even talk about. My cosmic humility is astounding, as hypocritical as that sounds. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that although significant, I'm important enough to God to be allowed to live in good condition, and that's only boosting the esteemed feeling. I'm turning my problems up to him, doing my best to avoid sin, asking him to guide my decisions, and overall just feel as if the relationship has become more sincere. I have no shame, nor fear, to be one of his children in a world of persecutors. I do feel a bit bad for having that dream last night in which I beat the living hell out of one of my old 'friends' for agitating me. I think that was just my subconscious letting off steam, though.
tl;dr I'm content and things are only looking upwards. Therapy later today, then to work on some film thing for my schools' anime club, cleaning my room... Today should be a breeze.
Tomorrow, however. Heh. BS is going to be over to visit. That'll be fun. Maybe we'll go exploring.
Trent Reznor, 'A Warm Place,' The Downward Spiral
I couldn't agree more. The feeling of control of what's going on in my life is overwhelming. I've never felt so liberated, like I had such a choice in what I do. It feels great to make my own decisions again. I can finally take credit for my achievements and take blame for my mistakes. I'm not quite sure if this is how 'normal' people feel, but, if not... I hit the jackpot, going through that depression was worth it to attain this feeling. For awhile I had been considering what my point was here on this Earth. I was beginning to once again wonder if I wasn't put into this existence to be happy, but, to serve as an example to others, and be a shoulder to lean on. I feel relatively stupid for entertaining that thought now. I'm realizing my chances aren't over until I let them be over, or until someone actively and specifically states contradicting evidence. It's not over until I decide to let the fat lady sing, and, being a bit shallow, I don't think I'll let her.
Feeling very esteemed. Things haven't changed much with the girl I like; I got to see her for roughly two seconds today without realizing it was her until after I was too far away. The other day we were talking and I dropped some rather obvious yet indirect hints that I liked her, and, because she wasn't repulsed at the very mention of the idea, and because it didn't seem to be shot down, I'm beginning to think I still have a chance until she says I don't, or until I give up. Here's a hint: It won't be the latter. I decided earlier today that I'm going to make this day fantastic if I have to kick it's ass to get it to be enjoyable. So far? Going pretty well. I'm in a study-support period- Basically, study hall for the kids who have issues- so I figured why the hell not blog about the day so far? Last time I let someone ruin the feeling without them directly stating why it should be ruined. No more of those mistakes. I'm keeping my confidence and my drive until I'm given a good, validated reason to stop, and, I don't think I'll be getting one of those any time soon.
I'm feeling a bit closer to God recently (u c whut i did thar), and I find myself praying about things I would normally find too insignificant to even talk about. My cosmic humility is astounding, as hypocritical as that sounds. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that although significant, I'm important enough to God to be allowed to live in good condition, and that's only boosting the esteemed feeling. I'm turning my problems up to him, doing my best to avoid sin, asking him to guide my decisions, and overall just feel as if the relationship has become more sincere. I have no shame, nor fear, to be one of his children in a world of persecutors. I do feel a bit bad for having that dream last night in which I beat the living hell out of one of my old 'friends' for agitating me. I think that was just my subconscious letting off steam, though.
tl;dr I'm content and things are only looking upwards. Therapy later today, then to work on some film thing for my schools' anime club, cleaning my room... Today should be a breeze.
Tomorrow, however. Heh. BS is going to be over to visit. That'll be fun. Maybe we'll go exploring.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
These tears are real, I'm jealousy. I'm spite and hate, to the core I'm mean.
But, I'm nearly human. Won't you look at me? I'm almost a human being...
Almost Human - Voltaire
Today the girl I liked went out on a date with someone who had a lead in our schools play. My entire torso is in my stomach, I want to puke, and I want to cry so badly. Every time I try my luck with someone, you know what happens? Someone else comes along, at least aesthetically better than me, if not emotionally and mentally, waltzs their way in before I get the chance to do anything, and steals the opportunity from me. I don't even know what to say. I want to tell her but she'll be creeped out, I'm sure. I'm not the most sane person, after all.
The only other memorable thing that happened was that we went to an abandoned house (again) with AY, NY, and WL. AY and WL were freaking out while we were kinda calm. Apparently there were four presences there. I only felt two.
Cheers, to not being good enough, as always
-The Letter E
Almost Human - Voltaire
Today the girl I liked went out on a date with someone who had a lead in our schools play. My entire torso is in my stomach, I want to puke, and I want to cry so badly. Every time I try my luck with someone, you know what happens? Someone else comes along, at least aesthetically better than me, if not emotionally and mentally, waltzs their way in before I get the chance to do anything, and steals the opportunity from me. I don't even know what to say. I want to tell her but she'll be creeped out, I'm sure. I'm not the most sane person, after all.
The only other memorable thing that happened was that we went to an abandoned house (again) with AY, NY, and WL. AY and WL were freaking out while we were kinda calm. Apparently there were four presences there. I only felt two.
Cheers, to not being good enough, as always
-The Letter E
Friday, May 20, 2011
I can always piss my life away; There will never be consequences
A line from the Left Rights song 'White,' mocking how the white, suburban culture have it so easy. Feeling a lot like that right now, so glad I'm listening to it. I'm in class right now, just finished the assignment on this mangahigh website. It's this manga-based website to test us in mathematics. Most people struggle to get a bronze, I have all gold. I can't take too much pride in this, though, considering I'm still in concept classes.
Good news. I'm definitely going into at least two mainstream classes next year, so, that's something to look forward to. I'm choosing English 11 and Algebra 2. I figure Chemistry and Sociology would be what I'd need help with. I feel like I'm cheating the system a bit by still being in these pull-out classes.
Oh, did I give the impression that was the only good news? No, there's a lot more. I'm in a very good mood. The girl who I've discussed? I just confirmed that she was single last night, so, that's fair game. I can continue without thinking I'm talking to a taken girl. An older sister figure told me to take it slow, to just be friends first, which is what I've been working on. I'm just afraid that I'm going to lose my chance by the time the friendship is built. As SK, the sister figure, said, "You can't have a building standing without a foundation." The foundation is being created, steadily, but, I believe it's surely as well. We've rambled on about nyancat and I've told her about MarbleHornets. I think I'm going to attempt to invite her over to show it to her. My room's clean enough that I could probably get away with vaccuming and finishing the rest today. I've also come up with a name for the video series I was going to start.
Everything seems to be going really well lately. Now that the numbness of the depression is wearing off, I can feel things, more than I want to. Everything feels amplified. Something that would normally make me frown is making me bawl out, something that would lightly irritate me is now making me want to rip someone's head off. Luckily, it's not just the negative emotions. Things that would make me smile fill me with the warmest feeling I've ever had. The negative emotions are calming down, but, I still feel the intense, irrational happiness, and I'm starting to wonder if this is what it's supposed to be like. My self-confidence so high. I don't think anything can bring me down.
Apparently the world is going to end on Saturday. Luckily, God would never end it on a Saturday, that's just in poor taste. Also, if the date is for God to know only, then, even if he HAD planned it on Saturday, he's pushing it back. Good job, idiots. Sometimes I hate other Christians. My entire view on the world ending...
COME AT ME, BRO
P.S. This is also the first time I've gotten to school everyday since February, I believe. Everything feels like it'll just float on. I'm so happy. I really, honestly don't think anyone but God himself can bring me down from this mood. I love my life.
Good news. I'm definitely going into at least two mainstream classes next year, so, that's something to look forward to. I'm choosing English 11 and Algebra 2. I figure Chemistry and Sociology would be what I'd need help with. I feel like I'm cheating the system a bit by still being in these pull-out classes.
Oh, did I give the impression that was the only good news? No, there's a lot more. I'm in a very good mood. The girl who I've discussed? I just confirmed that she was single last night, so, that's fair game. I can continue without thinking I'm talking to a taken girl. An older sister figure told me to take it slow, to just be friends first, which is what I've been working on. I'm just afraid that I'm going to lose my chance by the time the friendship is built. As SK, the sister figure, said, "You can't have a building standing without a foundation." The foundation is being created, steadily, but, I believe it's surely as well. We've rambled on about nyancat and I've told her about MarbleHornets. I think I'm going to attempt to invite her over to show it to her. My room's clean enough that I could probably get away with vaccuming and finishing the rest today. I've also come up with a name for the video series I was going to start.
Everything seems to be going really well lately. Now that the numbness of the depression is wearing off, I can feel things, more than I want to. Everything feels amplified. Something that would normally make me frown is making me bawl out, something that would lightly irritate me is now making me want to rip someone's head off. Luckily, it's not just the negative emotions. Things that would make me smile fill me with the warmest feeling I've ever had. The negative emotions are calming down, but, I still feel the intense, irrational happiness, and I'm starting to wonder if this is what it's supposed to be like. My self-confidence so high. I don't think anything can bring me down.
Apparently the world is going to end on Saturday. Luckily, God would never end it on a Saturday, that's just in poor taste. Also, if the date is for God to know only, then, even if he HAD planned it on Saturday, he's pushing it back. Good job, idiots. Sometimes I hate other Christians. My entire view on the world ending...
COME AT ME, BRO
P.S. This is also the first time I've gotten to school everyday since February, I believe. Everything feels like it'll just float on. I'm so happy. I really, honestly don't think anyone but God himself can bring me down from this mood. I love my life.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Eraser
"Need you. Dream you. Find you. Taste you. Fuck you. Use you. Scar you. Break you."
A summary of all relationships, including friendships, by Trent Reznor. He's the creator of the musical project Nine Inch Nails, recently won an oscar. I've been obsessed with his music ever since discovering it, moreso than I first did with Metallica and My Chemical Romance. I don't think this one is just a phase. It's really, really reaching me. The Downward Spiral alone had been helping me out of my depression. Unfortunately some people are too close minded to realize any sound can be used in music if manipulated correctly.
To save you now, this isn't some lovey dovey post or teenage heart break. This is me explaining my internet persona, the "Eraser." I feel that no matter what, I'm always going to be torn away from people, be it arguments, moving, or death. Unfortunately this applies to the internet as well. I have a few friends who I would trust with my life who I've known for years that I have yet to meet. Sometimes, though, they get erased, just like the people in real life. I chose this name after hearing the song by Trent and realizing it, too, began with the letter 'E,' and was quite fitting.
My friend with the virtual diary I just talked about? She can't remember too much at any given moment. It's pushing me further and further away. I'm afraid I have to erase her as a person in my life and only expect her to be someone who I talk to over Steam. Shame. I really enjoyed conversing with her. Felt as if I helped her, at least a little.
I also am getting relatively closer with some of the ARG broseph/ines. I don't remember if I mentioned them. It's basically a group of people who I met, or indirectly met, through a TribeTwelve group on Facebook. Yes, THAT TribeTwelve, the Slendorminz series. It's interesting to meet people like me. I don't feel like a black sheep as often. That being said, there's a girl a bit older than I am. We both lived near the same city at the same time, yet never met. I thought it was coincidental, and an odd one at that, but, it got even stranger. Apparently she's moving to the same place my mom intends on moving next. If there is such a thing as fate, I think mine's intertwined with hers, even if just to be a face to remember.
Things haven't gone well with that girl I mentioned before. Actually, it's not that they haven't gone well... It hasn't gone at all. I've been unable to see her since or get into contact with her. I'm just a little scared this may be infatuation and nothing more, but, it'd be a damn shame if that feeling went to waste. Ah well. Some friends are trying to get me to be more patient, and I think I need to be. I said I'd include some art, so, here's something I did relatively recently:
Both are relatively inspired by Trent's work. The first comes from the line, "Lay my hands on Heaven, and the Sun, and the Moon, and the stars while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car" from The Only Time off of Pretty Hate Machine.
This next one is from the aforementioned Downward Spiral. It's very scratchy, and to be honest, I didn't do much work on it. It was an attempt at discerning my depression from myself as a person, and this one was back in April. I realized that I wasn't the one who wanted to kill myself, it was the depression. It was homicide, not suicide. Not a split personality or anything, but, I sometimes refer to my depression as the 'Machine' now, seeing as it only used logic and lacked feelings that weren't used to make me feel like shit. It's my take on so-called suicide.
BANG.
I'm so glad that part of me is gone. I feel so much better. I'm actually happy. I'm also sad and angry and whatnot but it's better than not feeling anything at all.
To close, I'm linking a few of my closer friends to this blog. I know it was originally for me, but, maybe it can help someone else to understand either me or themselves. I'm not expecting too much.
A summary of all relationships, including friendships, by Trent Reznor. He's the creator of the musical project Nine Inch Nails, recently won an oscar. I've been obsessed with his music ever since discovering it, moreso than I first did with Metallica and My Chemical Romance. I don't think this one is just a phase. It's really, really reaching me. The Downward Spiral alone had been helping me out of my depression. Unfortunately some people are too close minded to realize any sound can be used in music if manipulated correctly.
To save you now, this isn't some lovey dovey post or teenage heart break. This is me explaining my internet persona, the "Eraser." I feel that no matter what, I'm always going to be torn away from people, be it arguments, moving, or death. Unfortunately this applies to the internet as well. I have a few friends who I would trust with my life who I've known for years that I have yet to meet. Sometimes, though, they get erased, just like the people in real life. I chose this name after hearing the song by Trent and realizing it, too, began with the letter 'E,' and was quite fitting.
My friend with the virtual diary I just talked about? She can't remember too much at any given moment. It's pushing me further and further away. I'm afraid I have to erase her as a person in my life and only expect her to be someone who I talk to over Steam. Shame. I really enjoyed conversing with her. Felt as if I helped her, at least a little.
I also am getting relatively closer with some of the ARG broseph/ines. I don't remember if I mentioned them. It's basically a group of people who I met, or indirectly met, through a TribeTwelve group on Facebook. Yes, THAT TribeTwelve, the Slendorminz series. It's interesting to meet people like me. I don't feel like a black sheep as often. That being said, there's a girl a bit older than I am. We both lived near the same city at the same time, yet never met. I thought it was coincidental, and an odd one at that, but, it got even stranger. Apparently she's moving to the same place my mom intends on moving next. If there is such a thing as fate, I think mine's intertwined with hers, even if just to be a face to remember.
Things haven't gone well with that girl I mentioned before. Actually, it's not that they haven't gone well... It hasn't gone at all. I've been unable to see her since or get into contact with her. I'm just a little scared this may be infatuation and nothing more, but, it'd be a damn shame if that feeling went to waste. Ah well. Some friends are trying to get me to be more patient, and I think I need to be. I said I'd include some art, so, here's something I did relatively recently:
Both are relatively inspired by Trent's work. The first comes from the line, "Lay my hands on Heaven, and the Sun, and the Moon, and the stars while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car" from The Only Time off of Pretty Hate Machine.
I'm so glad that part of me is gone. I feel so much better. I'm actually happy. I'm also sad and angry and whatnot but it's better than not feeling anything at all.
To close, I'm linking a few of my closer friends to this blog. I know it was originally for me, but, maybe it can help someone else to understand either me or themselves. I'm not expecting too much.
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