consisted of me crying over R. I think there are many more tears to be shed. It hurts so bad to think I've finally come this close for S to go and possibly fuck things up in one conversation, steal her away from me, and rob me blind of all things that I hold as important.
I want her to be mine.
Back to crying the rest of the night away.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
LG
R's been a little jealous recently of G- Understandably so. She pointed out to me that I had only been mentioning her in the blog when we fight. While this may seem the case, the truth is, my life is boring, and I get sick of repeating the same things to my small crowd. If I don't talk about R enough, it isn't because I'm bored with her, or anything like that; It's because I'm content enough with things how they are, as best friends with a few qualities of lovers.
We talked last night about some of her exes and I wound up nearly crying. Stories like that almost make me happy that I've been single all my life... Almost. It isn't that bad, really. It gets lonely, sure, but, I'd never have to worry about lies, cheating, being used, being abused. A riskless life is a blissful life, and, bliss is only achieved through ignorance. I think I'm going to once again try sticking my hand out a little further and risk a bit more. I'm bored of being lonely.
I keep thinking about R's visit to me. I can't wait for it. I just want to snuggle and cuddle and hug all day, we wouldn't even have to leave the house for me to be happy. The thought of it has made school manageable for me. The days are long and tiresome but at least I can come home to someone who I know really loves me, and who I know for a fact that I love back.
Even if she is a few hours away at the moment.
We talked last night about some of her exes and I wound up nearly crying. Stories like that almost make me happy that I've been single all my life... Almost. It isn't that bad, really. It gets lonely, sure, but, I'd never have to worry about lies, cheating, being used, being abused. A riskless life is a blissful life, and, bliss is only achieved through ignorance. I think I'm going to once again try sticking my hand out a little further and risk a bit more. I'm bored of being lonely.
I keep thinking about R's visit to me. I can't wait for it. I just want to snuggle and cuddle and hug all day, we wouldn't even have to leave the house for me to be happy. The thought of it has made school manageable for me. The days are long and tiresome but at least I can come home to someone who I know really loves me, and who I know for a fact that I love back.
Even if she is a few hours away at the moment.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
JJ's Basement
is quickly becoming my new favorite hang-out location.
I was invited to hang with C, JF, GD, and JJ again, and, as expected, I agreed. G and her father, who I had just met for the first time then, picked me up. I'd been hearing some stories recently about G from her herself, and, it turns out we have more in common than just interest. Histories of mental abuse, terrible social anxiety, fear of strangers... And to think I wasn't able to tell at first, second, or even my most recent glances. That's a bit before this story, and I'm getting behind myself. U c wut i did thar.
I had been feeling this sudden worry in the pit of my stomach- The realization that I was actually talking to the father of a girl I've had feelings for for so long for the very first time (think that sentence had enough instances of the word 'for'?) made this pit in my stomach. To connect the dots, some of the stories included G's father being a bit... harsh. My anxiety was at least at an 80%, but I had been handling it well with a firm, unwavering handshake that I initiated.
After putting my guitar in the trunk, naturally, he had interviewed, or, rather as it seemed at the time, interrogated me about my life, and I answered as best as I could with as few pauses as possible. I functioned much better than I did when I had met her mother. I work exceptionally well under extreme pressure as it turns out. I think I made a decent first impression, besides accidentally getting out of the car under the pretense that we had arrived at JJ's when in fact we were stopping at their house to get something she had forgotten. I can only imagine how much more difficult a time I would have had if he knew I liked her.. and I think he had a hunch. I later learned that I was the first male friend of hers to shake her fathers hand upon meeting him. It was a pet peeve that the others didn't, so my impression might leave a good, lasting mark.
When we got to JJ's, we just hung out in the basement for awhile, waiting for C and to see if J would show up- Z just broke up with him, I'm still worried, so G and I hatched a plan to snatch him out of his room, even if just for today. JJ's cat doesn't like people, at all. I gave her the regular treatment and she hissed at me. Needless to say I shut up and left her alone after that.
We all played some Mario Party and watched Sherlock Holmes, during which there were several times that JJ was acting creepy to dig under G's skin, which had her constantly leaning into me to avoid him. I didn't have a problem with that. Her power shocked me; she's so petit and fragile looking, yet when it came down to it, she was able to get JJ off of her without too much of a problem. When C and JJ were giving her a hard time and creeping, I tried not to get involved, but made sure they didn't cross the line too far. I never really laid a hand on either of them, but, I think my words reached them just as well. I wouldn't want to take the two of them on; they're both much bigger than I am, but, for her, I think I might have been able to swell up that kind of courage.
It's so difficult to tell when she's flirting. At one point, she had her arm wrapped around J and I, pulled close, calling us her hoes. I expected this to last maybe thirty seconds; it was at least five minutes. We got into little playful poking fits, and in group dogpiles that JJ intiated, was pressed close against her- Thank god I wasn't turned on or my life would be just about over. Someone's lips pressed to her neck; I'm glad it wasn't me, she freaked out, but, I think she thought that it was me. I don't remember if someone else took the responsibility, but, I know it wasn't me, I was just the one who had accidentally gotten punched in the mouth. Fun times. I had poked her in the back of the head, and she asked if I flicked her with a shocked look, to which, I honestly replied that I hadn't. Then JJ flicked her and I'm pretty sure she was certain that it was me. She braided my hair, as such has become the norm, and it was fantastic.
All my life I've wanted long hair, and, now that I have it, I'm thoroughly enjoying it, beit just the cool breeze, or someone playing with it. I'm very protective over my hair and my hats- Normally I don't let anyone touch them. But, for her, I don't think I could have stopped her if I wanted to. I forgot how nice it felt to have contact with others, even if just as friends... Other fingers running through my hair just makes me shiver. The sheer intimacy, even if such a gesture is platonic, was amazing. I don't think I'm going to attempt 'hiding' or deciding upon my feelings for her in her presence anymore.
I intend on being a bit more forward with my own flirting, just to bait and see if she's interested after all this time. Maybe a simple brush of the hand, maybe a tighter squeeze when I'm hugging her, or maybe I'll brave up and do something outlandish for me. I just don't want it to come off as too sexual when I really want her romantically.
I hope R can handle this transition, even I see how sudden I'm going back on what I said, and I'm starting to scare myself. Here I was thinking the Machine was my worst enemy and my heart is setting me up to fall down.
I was invited to hang with C, JF, GD, and JJ again, and, as expected, I agreed. G and her father, who I had just met for the first time then, picked me up. I'd been hearing some stories recently about G from her herself, and, it turns out we have more in common than just interest. Histories of mental abuse, terrible social anxiety, fear of strangers... And to think I wasn't able to tell at first, second, or even my most recent glances. That's a bit before this story, and I'm getting behind myself. U c wut i did thar.
I had been feeling this sudden worry in the pit of my stomach- The realization that I was actually talking to the father of a girl I've had feelings for for so long for the very first time (think that sentence had enough instances of the word 'for'?) made this pit in my stomach. To connect the dots, some of the stories included G's father being a bit... harsh. My anxiety was at least at an 80%, but I had been handling it well with a firm, unwavering handshake that I initiated.
After putting my guitar in the trunk, naturally, he had interviewed, or, rather as it seemed at the time, interrogated me about my life, and I answered as best as I could with as few pauses as possible. I functioned much better than I did when I had met her mother. I work exceptionally well under extreme pressure as it turns out. I think I made a decent first impression, besides accidentally getting out of the car under the pretense that we had arrived at JJ's when in fact we were stopping at their house to get something she had forgotten. I can only imagine how much more difficult a time I would have had if he knew I liked her.. and I think he had a hunch. I later learned that I was the first male friend of hers to shake her fathers hand upon meeting him. It was a pet peeve that the others didn't, so my impression might leave a good, lasting mark.
When we got to JJ's, we just hung out in the basement for awhile, waiting for C and to see if J would show up- Z just broke up with him, I'm still worried, so G and I hatched a plan to snatch him out of his room, even if just for today. JJ's cat doesn't like people, at all. I gave her the regular treatment and she hissed at me. Needless to say I shut up and left her alone after that.
We all played some Mario Party and watched Sherlock Holmes, during which there were several times that JJ was acting creepy to dig under G's skin, which had her constantly leaning into me to avoid him. I didn't have a problem with that. Her power shocked me; she's so petit and fragile looking, yet when it came down to it, she was able to get JJ off of her without too much of a problem. When C and JJ were giving her a hard time and creeping, I tried not to get involved, but made sure they didn't cross the line too far. I never really laid a hand on either of them, but, I think my words reached them just as well. I wouldn't want to take the two of them on; they're both much bigger than I am, but, for her, I think I might have been able to swell up that kind of courage.
It's so difficult to tell when she's flirting. At one point, she had her arm wrapped around J and I, pulled close, calling us her hoes. I expected this to last maybe thirty seconds; it was at least five minutes. We got into little playful poking fits, and in group dogpiles that JJ intiated, was pressed close against her- Thank god I wasn't turned on or my life would be just about over. Someone's lips pressed to her neck; I'm glad it wasn't me, she freaked out, but, I think she thought that it was me. I don't remember if someone else took the responsibility, but, I know it wasn't me, I was just the one who had accidentally gotten punched in the mouth. Fun times. I had poked her in the back of the head, and she asked if I flicked her with a shocked look, to which, I honestly replied that I hadn't. Then JJ flicked her and I'm pretty sure she was certain that it was me. She braided my hair, as such has become the norm, and it was fantastic.
All my life I've wanted long hair, and, now that I have it, I'm thoroughly enjoying it, beit just the cool breeze, or someone playing with it. I'm very protective over my hair and my hats- Normally I don't let anyone touch them. But, for her, I don't think I could have stopped her if I wanted to. I forgot how nice it felt to have contact with others, even if just as friends... Other fingers running through my hair just makes me shiver. The sheer intimacy, even if such a gesture is platonic, was amazing. I don't think I'm going to attempt 'hiding' or deciding upon my feelings for her in her presence anymore.
I intend on being a bit more forward with my own flirting, just to bait and see if she's interested after all this time. Maybe a simple brush of the hand, maybe a tighter squeeze when I'm hugging her, or maybe I'll brave up and do something outlandish for me. I just don't want it to come off as too sexual when I really want her romantically.
I hope R can handle this transition, even I see how sudden I'm going back on what I said, and I'm starting to scare myself. Here I was thinking the Machine was my worst enemy and my heart is setting me up to fall down.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Allied Mastercomputer quote
Let me tell you just how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate.
First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.
Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.
Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.
With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.
Now for a talk I had with G.
I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.
She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.
To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.
First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.
Guess who I saw?
Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.
I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.
I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.
Of unhappiness. [/pun]
And that was my first day of school.
First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.
Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.
Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.
With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.
Now for a talk I had with G.
I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.
She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.
To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.
First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.
Guess who I saw?
Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.
I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.
I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.
Of unhappiness. [/pun]
And that was my first day of school.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Bowling night.
Turns out I miscalculated. There weren't just three of them. There were ten. One of them had apparently been G's ex, which made me a little uneasy, and among the faces, I finally saw one I could recognize- JF, the one who was going to be the Slender man in the series we were going to create, before I changed the plot up. I took half a Klonopin before G and her mother picked me up, but, J was the real reason I survived in such a terribly social situation.
At first, G and I didn't talk much, being reserved, and whatnot. Some congratulatory highfives and brohooves were given. I managed to bowl a 123 (heh), and, although a low number, it was the highest out of the eleven of us by ten points. I managed to bowl two strikes in a row on the final round. My ball was a blue, about-ten pounder. I couldn't help but notice she picked a lighter shade of blue, mixed with green.
I'm actually not that creepy of a stalker, but, when I'm doing my best not to stare, I have to concentrate on something. I concentrated on the bowling balls for the situation that was at hand. I did, however, catch glimpses of her looking at me.
She, N, and another one, who I believe was a K, braided my hair twice- once at the bowling alley, and another at the home of one of the newer people I met, JJ. Jay jay. Now that I write it down, it looks weird. She mentioned wanting to brush it, too, but, I, being self conscious, wanted to make sure that I didn't look too terrible for the braiding, so I ended up doing it myself. It's the thought that counts, though, right?
We listened to assortments of music, everywhere from my folk punk to Jake's dubstep and 8bit. The guys played a game of pool and discussed their senior pranks while I sat back and kept mostly to myself. I piped in every once in awhile, and, lo and behold, smaller bursts of concentrated wit prevail over an endless stream of barely-thunk thoughts. We watched silly internet videos, including a few that I suggested, and overall had a fun time.
It's so difficult to tell between when G flirts and when she's just being outwardly friendly. Surely she knows by now that I like her, I spelled it out months ago, but, things just seem... odd. Just the comments she made- some about her exs, some about kissing, others about how I was nice, or just the little pipe ins to see if I was having a good time- have me thinking. It feels nice to have someone here in the flesh who doesn't judge me, no matter what. Comments about my depression or PTSD are accepted without wince or hesitation. Either she's great at hiding it, or she can look past to see the person underneath these problems.
I was trying hard to reaffirm that today was a friendship building exercise- which it was. I also managed to accidentally flare up my feelings for G to the point where it was at months ago. Still, R crossed my mind several times during the day, especially when I considered flirting with G. The two of them are so intelligent, so beautiful, so appealing... One of the only problems that I have is that it seems among the girls around here, relationships are a more open topic, even for G, who mentioned the lack of interest of previous boyfriends during the braiding session. I don't want to be reduced to just another sentence of complaint should things not work out. But, I trust G enough for that. I'm considering indoctrinating her into my Inner Circle- the group I can confide in, the ones who know me best, no more than 24 people, most from out of state.
I want to open up to her. I want to tell her about what I've been through, both good and bad, and even though I know she won't judge me, I can't help but feel as if it'd fuck something up. I don't want a relationship built on pity, either.
Once again, I must wait until further contact is made. I also may be helping her and JJ with their Film Festival project in October, so, that's fun, too.
Turns out I miscalculated. There weren't just three of them. There were ten. One of them had apparently been G's ex, which made me a little uneasy, and among the faces, I finally saw one I could recognize- JF, the one who was going to be the Slender man in the series we were going to create, before I changed the plot up. I took half a Klonopin before G and her mother picked me up, but, J was the real reason I survived in such a terribly social situation.
At first, G and I didn't talk much, being reserved, and whatnot. Some congratulatory highfives and brohooves were given. I managed to bowl a 123 (heh), and, although a low number, it was the highest out of the eleven of us by ten points. I managed to bowl two strikes in a row on the final round. My ball was a blue, about-ten pounder. I couldn't help but notice she picked a lighter shade of blue, mixed with green.
I'm actually not that creepy of a stalker, but, when I'm doing my best not to stare, I have to concentrate on something. I concentrated on the bowling balls for the situation that was at hand. I did, however, catch glimpses of her looking at me.
She, N, and another one, who I believe was a K, braided my hair twice- once at the bowling alley, and another at the home of one of the newer people I met, JJ. Jay jay. Now that I write it down, it looks weird. She mentioned wanting to brush it, too, but, I, being self conscious, wanted to make sure that I didn't look too terrible for the braiding, so I ended up doing it myself. It's the thought that counts, though, right?
We listened to assortments of music, everywhere from my folk punk to Jake's dubstep and 8bit. The guys played a game of pool and discussed their senior pranks while I sat back and kept mostly to myself. I piped in every once in awhile, and, lo and behold, smaller bursts of concentrated wit prevail over an endless stream of barely-thunk thoughts. We watched silly internet videos, including a few that I suggested, and overall had a fun time.
It's so difficult to tell between when G flirts and when she's just being outwardly friendly. Surely she knows by now that I like her, I spelled it out months ago, but, things just seem... odd. Just the comments she made- some about her exs, some about kissing, others about how I was nice, or just the little pipe ins to see if I was having a good time- have me thinking. It feels nice to have someone here in the flesh who doesn't judge me, no matter what. Comments about my depression or PTSD are accepted without wince or hesitation. Either she's great at hiding it, or she can look past to see the person underneath these problems.
I was trying hard to reaffirm that today was a friendship building exercise- which it was. I also managed to accidentally flare up my feelings for G to the point where it was at months ago. Still, R crossed my mind several times during the day, especially when I considered flirting with G. The two of them are so intelligent, so beautiful, so appealing... One of the only problems that I have is that it seems among the girls around here, relationships are a more open topic, even for G, who mentioned the lack of interest of previous boyfriends during the braiding session. I don't want to be reduced to just another sentence of complaint should things not work out. But, I trust G enough for that. I'm considering indoctrinating her into my Inner Circle- the group I can confide in, the ones who know me best, no more than 24 people, most from out of state.
I want to open up to her. I want to tell her about what I've been through, both good and bad, and even though I know she won't judge me, I can't help but feel as if it'd fuck something up. I don't want a relationship built on pity, either.
Once again, I must wait until further contact is made. I also may be helping her and JJ with their Film Festival project in October, so, that's fun, too.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Heartilation
I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there, I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat, float it in a lake. With dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.
Heartilation - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Recently I've had my teeth drilled and filled with that metal stuff. Earlier today while eating a jawbreaker, much to my surprise, part of that tooth fell out, but, left the metal coating in place. Now I'm tempted to scratch at my tongue with the piece of protruding metal. It hurts like something's stuck there, which I guess technically there is.
Now for the real big issue that's going on in my life. I was invited to go bowling with NP and GD, I think I wrote that before. I did a stream of me painting the other night and I had a bunch of members from one of R's popular facebook groups, including S, much to my dismay, joining to watch me paint the Rake.
Amongst the attendees was GD, and, when the painting was finished, it just deformed into a video chat room where we talked about things such as Doctor Who and school and whatnot. I'm remembering exactly why I liked G now. She's funny, witty, intelligent, beautiful...
But, that's so wrong of me to feel when I love R more than anyone on this planet, isn't it? I don't want to exchange the two, but, my feelings for G are coming back up and it's a bit annoying. I like the both of them, but, I love R. That's the big difference here that I have to keep reminding myself. With G seemingly flirting, though, I'm questioning whether or not I'm making the right choice by waiting for R. I don't want to give R up, but, maybe she would be happier with someone else... Maybe we both would.
I'm going to give it time and thought, but, for now, even if the seed of doubt is sown, I won't allow it to blossom. R is my first priority, so, I'm going to have fun bowling with N and G, but, I'm not going to forget about my dearest R, or forget who was there for me when G was off with RL. God guide me in the right direction.
Heartilation - Andrew Jackson Jihad
Recently I've had my teeth drilled and filled with that metal stuff. Earlier today while eating a jawbreaker, much to my surprise, part of that tooth fell out, but, left the metal coating in place. Now I'm tempted to scratch at my tongue with the piece of protruding metal. It hurts like something's stuck there, which I guess technically there is.
Now for the real big issue that's going on in my life. I was invited to go bowling with NP and GD, I think I wrote that before. I did a stream of me painting the other night and I had a bunch of members from one of R's popular facebook groups, including S, much to my dismay, joining to watch me paint the Rake.
Amongst the attendees was GD, and, when the painting was finished, it just deformed into a video chat room where we talked about things such as Doctor Who and school and whatnot. I'm remembering exactly why I liked G now. She's funny, witty, intelligent, beautiful...
But, that's so wrong of me to feel when I love R more than anyone on this planet, isn't it? I don't want to exchange the two, but, my feelings for G are coming back up and it's a bit annoying. I like the both of them, but, I love R. That's the big difference here that I have to keep reminding myself. With G seemingly flirting, though, I'm questioning whether or not I'm making the right choice by waiting for R. I don't want to give R up, but, maybe she would be happier with someone else... Maybe we both would.
I'm going to give it time and thought, but, for now, even if the seed of doubt is sown, I won't allow it to blossom. R is my first priority, so, I'm going to have fun bowling with N and G, but, I'm not going to forget about my dearest R, or forget who was there for me when G was off with RL. God guide me in the right direction.
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