I still recall the taste of your tears

Echoes in your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing 
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color - if I had a heart
Come on, tell me...

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing 
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place, it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me...
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have


I just want something I can never have...





Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have




Homecoming night was fun. At first, G and I just lounged, finally convinced me to at least try and dance (although I wouldn't call idly rocking and moving my arms slightly dancing). We obtained 'liquid' as she called it, saw JJP and a few other people I knew, most of which I hated. We got to snicker and mock the people who were grinding like whores as we just stood back away from the limelight. We even got some filming in for the video series which I did, in fact, begin working on.

So far that's been pretty good, too. 70 subscribers, over 2000 upload views. Even it's own small fanpage on facebook, as well as a group for it in which I realized how idiotic people are when it comes to piecing together plot points.

Anyway, the night ended with a slow dance, where I feel I was actually taught how to dance. She had to guide my hands at first but I got ahold of it- rather, her- quickly. It was to that really cliché Maroon 5 song about the broken girl but we still enjoyed it. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but, I've never really had a girlfriend or date before that night. The feeling it provided exceeded expectations, being that close with someone, being able to hold them. Yet, all the while, I couldn't help but wish that it was R I was dancing with.

R threw a bit of a fit earlier in the day and didn't want to talk to me, needed 'space.' That night, she completely blew me off, and rubbed it in my face that she was ignoring me. We patched things up the next morning, where, in some sweet form of irony, I was given the same speech again about how she felt pressured into this relationship with me and how much she missed and still loved S. So what happened next, you ask? I was pressured myself into breaking it off and calling it a hiatus when I think she knows that she has no intention of coming back to me. Great, karma. Couldn't have chosen a better way to get me.

Earlier today, we talked, and, for whatever reason, even though she and I are no longer together (as if we really were to begin with, the way she was acting...), she's still jealous of G. I tried talking it through with her to see if she could shake the feeling, she can't. I still think it's fucked that she's allowed to go back to S and she doesn't approve of G and I just going to a dance together. She signed off a few hours ago, saying she'd be back in an hour... another empty promise. I'm feeling like complete and utter shit.


And now Lovesong by Voltaire came on, a song I've always sang to her, and I'm on the verge of tears...

However far away... However long I stay... Whatever words I say...


She knows this by now, but, she doesn't know if S has the same policy to unconditionally love someone, which, from what I know, it seems he doesn't. No wonder I'm taken advantage of so easily, yet he's such an nonrenewable resource...

Almost a month

since my last post.

Things... weren't pretty. I came to a decision that I had to give R an ultimatum. Either choose me over S, or I was going to stop talking to her because of how much it hurt to think of her being with S. We both cried during this conversation, even if my voice sounded harsh.

By some stroke of luck, she chose me. Recently she's breaking things off with S, or so I'm told.

I feel like she only agreed out of obligation, not because she really loves or cares about me, even though I know she does. I finally have what I've craved for so long and yet I still feel hollow.

She made that decision on the 1st of October. I've been pushing more and more towards her publicly announcing- And of course, by that, I mean making it "facebook official"- that she has a boyfriend, preferably even mentioning that it's me. My paranoid thoughts would all be calmed just by the thought of her and I finally being officially together after all this time.

It gets more complicated, of course.

G and I have gotten relatively closer since we started hanging out. We're going to Homecoming tomorrow- I'm not sure whether as a couple or as friends, she never specified, so, I'm assuming friends until I'm proven wrong. R isn't thrilled about this... in fact, she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It's a little weird to see her being the jealous one.

I think it's a little fucked that she can be jealous of G when she won't even finalize our relationship status.

In other news, I went on omegle to vent to strangers about this situation, and made a new friend. Her name is Sasha. She's Indian, studying in Boston. We both suffer from horrible insomnia. She managed to cheer me up and give me some fantastic advice. Now just to hopefully talk things through with R tomorrow.

Last two hours

consisted of me crying over R. I think there are many more tears to be shed. It hurts so bad to think I've finally come this close for S to go and possibly fuck things up in one conversation, steal her away from me, and rob me blind of all things that I hold as important.

I want her to be mine.

Back to crying the rest of the night away.

[TITLE REDACTED]

Life's not so good.

Gonna go back to out-patient soon, hopefully.

LG

R's been a little jealous recently of G- Understandably so. She pointed out to me that I had only been mentioning her in the blog when we fight. While this may seem the case, the truth is, my life is boring, and I get sick of repeating the same things to my small crowd. If I don't talk about R enough, it isn't because I'm bored with her, or anything like that; It's because I'm content enough with things how they are, as best friends with a few qualities of lovers.

We talked last night about some of her exes and I wound up nearly crying. Stories like that almost make me happy that I've been single all my life... Almost. It isn't that bad, really. It gets lonely, sure, but, I'd never have to worry about lies, cheating, being used, being abused. A riskless life is a blissful life, and, bliss is only achieved through ignorance. I think I'm going to once again try sticking my hand out a little further and risk a bit more. I'm bored of being lonely.

I keep thinking about R's visit to me. I can't wait for it. I just want to snuggle and cuddle and hug all day, we wouldn't even have to leave the house for me to be happy. The thought of it has made school manageable for me. The days are long and tiresome but at least I can come home to someone who I know really loves me, and who I know for a fact that I love back.

Even if she is a few hours away at the moment.

JJ's Basement

is quickly becoming my new favorite hang-out location.

I was invited to hang with C, JF, GD, and JJ again, and, as expected, I agreed. G and her father, who I had just met for the first time then, picked me up. I'd been hearing some stories recently about G from her herself, and, it turns out we have more in common than just interest. Histories of mental abuse, terrible social anxiety, fear of strangers... And to think I wasn't able to tell at first, second, or even my most recent glances. That's a bit before this story, and I'm getting behind myself. U c wut i did thar.

I had been feeling this sudden worry in the pit of my stomach- The realization that I was actually talking to the father of a girl I've had feelings for for so long for the very first time (think that sentence had enough instances of the word 'for'?) made this pit in my stomach. To connect the dots, some of the stories included G's father being a bit... harsh. My anxiety was at least at an 80%, but I had been handling it well with a firm, unwavering handshake that I initiated.

After putting my guitar in the trunk, naturally, he had interviewed, or, rather as it seemed at the time, interrogated me about my life, and I answered as best as I could with as few pauses as possible. I functioned much better than I did when I had met her mother. I work exceptionally well under extreme pressure as it turns out. I think I made a decent first impression, besides accidentally getting out of the car under the pretense that we had arrived at JJ's when in fact we were stopping at their house to get something she had forgotten. I can only imagine how much more difficult a time I would have had if he knew I liked her.. and I think he had a hunch. I later learned that I was the first male friend of hers to shake her fathers hand upon meeting him. It was a pet peeve that the others didn't, so my impression might leave a good, lasting mark.

When we got to JJ's, we just hung out in the basement for awhile, waiting for C and to see if J would show up- Z just broke up with him, I'm still worried, so G and I hatched a plan to snatch him out of his room, even if just for today. JJ's cat doesn't like people, at all. I gave her the regular treatment and she hissed at me. Needless to say I shut up and left her alone after that.

We all played some Mario Party and watched Sherlock Holmes, during which there were several times that JJ was acting creepy to dig under G's skin, which had her constantly leaning into me to avoid him. I didn't have a problem with that. Her power shocked me; she's so petit and fragile looking, yet when it came down to it, she was able to get JJ off of her without too much of a problem. When C and JJ were giving her a hard time and creeping, I tried not to get involved, but made sure they didn't cross the line too far. I never really laid a hand on either of them, but, I think my words reached them just as well. I wouldn't want to take the two of them on; they're both much bigger than I am, but, for her, I think I might have been able to swell up that kind of courage.

It's so difficult to tell when she's flirting. At one point, she had her arm wrapped around J and I, pulled close, calling us her hoes. I expected this to last maybe thirty seconds; it was at least five minutes. We got into little playful poking fits, and in group dogpiles that JJ intiated, was pressed close against her- Thank god I wasn't turned on or my life would be just about over. Someone's lips pressed to her neck; I'm glad it wasn't me, she freaked out, but, I think she thought that it was me. I don't remember if someone else took the responsibility, but, I know it wasn't me, I was just the one who had accidentally gotten punched in the mouth. Fun times. I had poked her in the back of the head, and she asked if I flicked her with a shocked look, to which, I honestly replied that I hadn't. Then JJ flicked her and I'm pretty sure she was certain that it was me. She braided my hair, as such has become the norm, and it was fantastic.

All my life I've wanted long hair, and, now that I have it, I'm thoroughly enjoying it, beit just the cool breeze, or someone playing with it. I'm very protective over my hair and my hats- Normally I don't let anyone touch them. But, for her, I don't think I could have stopped her if I wanted to. I forgot how nice it felt to have contact with others, even if just as friends... Other fingers running through my hair just makes me shiver. The sheer intimacy, even if such a gesture is platonic, was amazing. I don't think I'm going to attempt 'hiding' or deciding upon my feelings for her in her presence anymore.

I intend on being a bit more forward with my own flirting, just to bait and see if she's interested after all this time. Maybe a simple brush of the hand, maybe a tighter squeeze when I'm hugging her, or maybe I'll brave up and do something outlandish for me. I just don't want it to come off as too sexual when I really want her romantically.

I hope R can handle this transition, even I see how sudden I'm going back on what I said, and I'm starting to scare myself. Here I was thinking the Machine was my worst enemy and my heart is setting me up to fall down.

Allied Mastercomputer quote

Let me tell you just how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate.

First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.

Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.

Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.

With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.

Now for a talk I had with G.

I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.

She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.

To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.

First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.

Guess who I saw?

Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.

I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.

I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.

Of unhappiness. [/pun]

And that was my first day of school.

Bowling night.

Turns out I miscalculated. There weren't just three of them. There were ten. One of them had apparently been G's ex, which made me a little uneasy, and among the faces, I finally saw one I could recognize- JF, the one who was going to be the Slender man in the series we were going to create, before I changed the plot up. I took half a Klonopin before G and her mother picked me up, but, J was the real reason I survived in such a terribly social situation.

At first, G and I didn't talk much, being reserved, and whatnot. Some congratulatory highfives and brohooves were given. I managed to bowl a 123 (heh), and, although a low number, it was the highest out of the eleven of us by ten points. I managed to bowl two strikes in a row on the final round. My ball was a blue, about-ten pounder. I couldn't help but notice she picked a lighter shade of blue, mixed with green.

I'm actually not that creepy of a stalker, but, when I'm doing my best not to stare, I have to concentrate on something. I concentrated on the bowling balls for the situation that was at hand. I did, however, catch glimpses of her looking at me.

She, N, and another one, who I believe was a K, braided my hair twice- once at the bowling alley, and another at the home of one of the newer people I met, JJ. Jay jay. Now that I write it down, it looks weird. She mentioned wanting to brush it, too, but, I, being self conscious, wanted to make sure that I didn't look too terrible for the braiding, so I ended up doing it myself. It's the thought that counts, though, right?

We listened to assortments of music, everywhere from my folk punk to Jake's dubstep and 8bit. The guys played a game of pool and discussed their senior pranks while I sat back and kept mostly to myself. I piped in every once in awhile, and, lo and behold, smaller bursts of concentrated wit prevail over an endless stream of barely-thunk thoughts. We watched silly internet videos, including a few that I suggested, and overall had a fun time.

It's so difficult to tell between when G flirts and when she's just being outwardly friendly. Surely she knows by now that I like her, I spelled it out months ago, but, things just seem... odd. Just the comments she made- some about her exs, some about kissing, others about how I was nice, or just the little pipe ins to see if I was having a good time- have me thinking. It feels nice to have someone here in the flesh who doesn't judge me, no matter what. Comments about my depression or PTSD are accepted without wince or hesitation. Either she's great at hiding it, or she can look past to see the person underneath these problems.

I was trying hard to reaffirm that today was a friendship building exercise- which it was. I also managed to accidentally flare up my feelings for G to the point where it was at months ago. Still, R crossed my mind several times during the day, especially when I considered flirting with G. The two of them are so intelligent, so beautiful, so appealing... One of the only problems that I have is that it seems among the girls around here, relationships are a more open topic, even for G, who mentioned the lack of interest of previous boyfriends during the braiding session. I don't want to be reduced to just another sentence of complaint should things not work out. But, I trust G enough for that. I'm considering indoctrinating her into my Inner Circle- the group I can confide in, the ones who know me best, no more than 24 people, most from out of state.

I want to open up to her. I want to tell her about what I've been through, both good and bad, and even though I know she won't judge me, I can't help but feel as if it'd fuck something up. I don't want a relationship built on pity, either.

Once again, I must wait until further contact is made. I also may be helping her and JJ with their Film Festival project in October, so, that's fun, too.

Heartilation

I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there, I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat, float it in a lake. With dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.

Heartilation - Andrew Jackson Jihad


Recently I've had my teeth drilled and filled with that metal stuff. Earlier today while eating a jawbreaker, much to my surprise, part of that tooth fell out, but, left the metal coating in place. Now I'm tempted to scratch at my tongue with the piece of protruding metal. It hurts like something's stuck there, which I guess technically there is.

Now for the real big issue that's going on in my life. I was invited to go bowling with NP and GD, I think I wrote that before. I did a stream of me painting the other night and I had a bunch of members from one of R's popular facebook groups, including S, much to my dismay, joining to watch me paint the Rake.

Amongst the attendees was GD, and, when the painting was finished, it just deformed into a video chat room where we talked about things such as Doctor Who and school and whatnot. I'm remembering exactly why I liked G now. She's funny, witty, intelligent, beautiful...

But, that's so wrong of me to feel when I love R more than anyone on this planet, isn't it? I don't want to exchange the two, but, my feelings for G are coming back up and it's a bit annoying. I like the both of them, but, I love R. That's the big difference here that I have to keep reminding myself. With G seemingly flirting, though, I'm questioning whether or not I'm making the right choice by waiting for R. I don't want to give R up, but, maybe she would be happier with someone else... Maybe we both would.

I'm going to give it time and thought, but, for now, even if the seed of doubt is sown, I won't allow it to blossom. R is my first priority, so, I'm going to have fun bowling with N and G, but, I'm not going to forget about my dearest R, or forget who was there for me when G was off with RL. God guide me in the right direction.

Took our cues by the side of the road

And took billboard as signs that cast an omniscient shadow that by design seemed to imply co-operation. Yeah, well, I'm trying to find the words to say, this doesn't represent us. We poured over maps and it dawned on me, that this is war. This is war. We hadn't cast the first stone. Their tactics had been subtle. No one around even knew they were in battle, but, it was war. No one wants to think in black and white, but the decision had been made for me, as though a matter of instinct, and made against my will: co-operation, and it had dawned on me that this is war, and that we might have to choose sides.

This was war.

This is War - Spoonboy


Things have been okay recently. I haven't had much to blog about, both a blessing and a curse, 'til today. I discovered a new band today who I quoted. I want to say they're folk punk, but, it's more like just folk. I've been listening to this track over and over, realizing just how true it really is. We're in this constant war against ourselves and others, and, to quote Nine Inch Nails again...

"As far as I have gone, I knew what side I'm on. Now? I'm not so sure... The line begins to blur."

I want to say I'm against this damned Machine, just by some thoughts. Killing myself seems far too painful now then when I was depressed. I actually found myself saying today that I don't think I'd ever throw myself in front of a train even though just a few months ago I forced myself to steer away from the tracks. Still, I'm a victim of habit and old tendency, and I don't feel quite as if I'm completely agains the Machine. Either that or our conscious is becoming one again, which I'm deathly afraid of.

It makes sense, though. I hadn't been documenting the Machine's output since my gap from my last blog post. I have nothing to seperate my own thoughts from.

I'm a bit ticked at R. I won't be for long, but, it feels as if lately she just doesn't want to talk to me, and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but, it feels as if she's jumping through the loopholes that are my patience and passivity. Things like "we'll talk later" end up meaning "we won't talk today." Maybe she's not aware she does it, but, it's digging at me, because I truly believe that later just means later, and that in a bit means in a bit. You're setting yourself up to fall down.

I missed my counselors appointment today. I don't want to feel anything at all and I've been learning to let numbness and happiness co-exist. Only feeling the feelings I want to feel, positive thinking, all that mumbo jumbo. I was afraid that seeing him might unleashe some of the feelings I've been trying to water down using this amazing new control over numbness.

I've been invited to go bowling with NP and GD, a girl who I think likes me, and the girl I used to like not too long ago, respectively. I'm not sure I want to go due to some tensed conditions but I'll at least attempt to attempt at going.

It would be nice to cry right now... Maybe I'll stop the emotional lidocaine for just a few minutes.

Third chance

Bullet points

Because my memory is blurry and I don't remember what happened.

. R had been tired all day.
. R didn't sleep despite my asking to due to family situations.
. R wants to sleep, we go on camera for a bit
. Baby pictures are shown
. I go through emotional breakdown at seeing pictures of my father and mother
. She ragequits halfway through a depressive episode (for which I'm not mad)
. She texts me a bit
. Ambien begins to kick in
. Still depressive episode
. She says she wants to sleep
. I respond with 'Whatev' as in 'okay'
. She takes it as 'Too bad'
. She's mad at me for that
. We talked on the phone
. I assure I wasn't mad and was trying not to be insensitive and just let her sleep
. Ambien wears off, memory is blurry as fuck

I'll have her fill in the gaps I may have missed due to my medication.

All the jagged edges disappear

Colors all the brighter when you're near
The stars are all the fire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could die

All The Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails


I told Mom just about everything, if not more, than what I've shared on this blog. Her first question, much to my amaze, was "When is she going to visit you?" I don't believe how well this went over. I feel like for once, my prayers were directly answered.

We got to talking about her for a bit, and, I think my mother could tell just how much I cared about and love her. My mother said she'd have no problem whatsoever with her staying with us whenever she was around. It's such a relief, as if all this pressure on my chest is just gone.

The only bad side to this is that R is a little hesitant to visit now. I got super excited, possibly the happiest I've been all year, when my mom accepted that I liked her and approved of me continuing to seek a relationship. Naturally, anyone witnessing this, even if just by a phonecall, would be a little freaked out. I think she jumped to the conclusion that if she visits, it will automatically ensnare her in some trap of a relationship. While that would be nice, (the relationship, not the ensnaring) I'm still planning to give her all the space she needs. If she decides during the visit, then, sobeit. I still may get to see my best friend visit me two years earlier than expected, possibly even this October. Mayhaps, damn me for using that word, even for our birthdays. For that I'm overjoyed.

I don't think I can go to AWA to meet up there, but, my mother -did- mention possibly shipping me down... I don't know what to think. I'll have to ask R about it and what she thinks.

Today is a great day.

I hate using internet explorer

But, for whatever reason, it's the only thing that will publish my posts on this site, because Chrome just herp derps and decides it's going to erase my entire post and just show the title. Apparently, I'm not the only one this is happening to. Just when you think you have the perfect browser. Fuck.

Fuck shit stack. Fuck shit stack. I don't mention it a lot, but, the amount of cursing that goes on in this town is ridiculous to the point where the most passionate person just becomes hilarious. Don't get me wrong, I'm a complete pottymouth, but, I don't go all Noah Maxwell on the topic at hand.

More people have managed to get pregnant. It's fucking annoying. I'm starting to side with R about not wanting to have children. They're pests and they get in the way and will just slow down my life.

Three paragraphs in before I mentioned her, that's a new one. We've been having some space lately, in that she's been on vacation since Wednesday, so we've only been texting and calling before bed and what not. I feel bad for saying it, but, I'm glad she took this break, it means I got all of the attention and S got none... for the most part. He made a new twitter account or something and I stumbled upon it which had me really down and jealous for a long time.

Then we talked on the phone for hours, again... It's just so refreshing. You think talking to someone would get boring after awhile, but, it never does. Everything is always interesting, and, if things get too stagnant, I think I've done a good enough job at keeping things well diversed. She makes me so happy. I'm still really afraid that I'm going to lose her, but, I prayed for a bit yesterday, which I'm getting back into the habit of doing, and, it seems as if everything's working out for the best. We discussed her visiting, maybe sometime in October or November. The only problem with this is that I need to explain the situation to my mother so that she could stay with us.

My mom's normally really chilled out about things, considering, unlike many other teenagers, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't steal, I don't lie, I don't break curfew and I don't have sex. But, somehow, saying "I'm in love with a 19 year old from Arkansas and I'd like if she could stay with us sometime soon" doesn't sound like it would end well. I think I'm going to have to separate the two sentences into "I'm in love with a girl from Arkansas" "She's 19" and maybe in a few weeks from now, "Do you think it'd be okay if she stayed with us for a weekend or a week or so?" I think my mom would trust her after she got to know her, but, the initial thoughts may not be too positive for her. I'm going to have to tell my mother soon. I just don't know when. Right now, an ex of hers is staying with us for the day. We were going to go to Musikfest but that never happened. I'm hoping he leaves soon... The sooner he's gone, the sooner I can try and explain what's going on between R and I.

Keyword here is try.

The Unbecoming

It won't give up,
It wants me dead.
GOD DAMN this noise inside my head.

The Becoming - Nine Inch Nails


I feel the process starting all over again. The Machine is awake and it isn't happy. It probably isn't helping that I'm listening to the Downward Spiral, but, right now, I feel like it's the only thing I can associate myself with. I know somewhere deep down that I have to stop this myself, by myself, for myself. I have to unbecome the Machine and I don't know where to start. Everytime I go to unplug it I get electrocuted and one of these times the wattage will kill me.

I feel very ignored and very alone lately. Which doesn't make sense- I'm getting almost all of R's attention, as well as many other peoples. Keyword here being most... I know it's selfish, I know it's wrong, but, I want all of the attention on me, just for a little while, and, everytime it seems that I have it all on me, something that throws me off. I wouldn't mind sharing attention with other people if they.. were different people.

I don't want to share R with S. I don't at all. It's not about wanting her all to myself, it's about wanting me all to her. I'd like more attention, and I vocalize it, but, she seems to think that it's only during the times where I mention it, but, then again, who can blame her? Common mistake, really.

I've been a little jealous about some stuff, feeling as if my thoughts or emotions are somehow worth less than those of others, even though I have no evidence besides what she seems to tell me. In example, she's told me about the riots, and I felt shitty because of how my suicidal thoughts were seemingly nothing compared to the danger S may or may not have been in. I've also learned that one of the children she's babysitting has PTSD as well, and I heard how sad she was to hear that and to hear about that experience. I know more than anyone that PTSD isn't a competition, but, I sometimes wish she'd share with me if she felt bad about my experiences, even if I seem to shut them away... Maybe she just thinks it's better to stay silent, but, I'm not sure whether or not it is.
tl;dr need more attention, feeling worthless

But, not tonight. Tonight I feel on top of the world. I was a bit down because I wouldn't be able to skype or call her tonight (she's at a hotel), but, she managed to sneak a call in anyway. She was really homesick and stressed out about the kids, so I got a chance to comfort her, and, in doing so, comfort myself. Taking care of others really makes me feel better about myself, especially when its someone I love so much like her. Being a provider feels good... Who would have thought it? Now, we're just texting each other until she can fall asleep. It feels nice to feel alive.

I also made some bitching cookies with oreos in the middle. Feels good, man.

I will go down with this ship

I know I've left too much mess and destruction to come back again.
I cause nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again.
If you live by the rules of "it's over," then, I'm sure that that makes sense.

White Flag - Dido


R explained to me the other day why she didn't exactly want either of us right now. I completely forgot about how much the move was hurting her until the day she mentioned how homesick she was on account of her friend from Georgia temporarily came back from Japan... She doesn't need the stress of a boyfriend right now, just a friend in general, and, well, that's what I'm here for. I can't hold that against her, especially not in such a delicate time as now. But, I don't think that much matters right now, seeing as I'm pretty sure I just pissed her off to the maximum.

There's been some rioting going on in England that started over a peaceful protest over police brutality that whirlwinded its way into car fires and buildings being burned to the ground. Now, the rioteers have completely forgotten and are destroying everything for the sake of destruction. When the Sex Pistols mentioned Anarchy in the UK, I never thought imagined it could be this bad. There are still fucktards who are supporting this kind of behavior and it disgusts me.

How does this link to us? Well, I'll tell you, loyal reader. If you recall, 'S' is from England- he was specifically near Burmingham where there have also been some rioting. It started in London and spread like wildfire. I did my best to keep my promise as a friend and talk her through it, telling her it would be okay and doing everything in my power to try and make her feel better. Even though we had planned on turning in earlier for the next few days (because both of us were sleeping too late), we were up and talked until about two thirty or three until she was finally ready to sleep. That night, even though I didn't really want to, I told her I would message S to check up on him for her while she slept so she could rest easy and wake up to some good news.

The message went over... well, from my end. I kindly informed that I was checking up on him for R, wished him the best, and hoped things got better. He replied in a polite manner, but.. I just.. can't shake this feeling at how cold it would have sounded. He essentially said, "oh, the riots are no big deal, I'm far away from them" (which is what I had been telling R from the beginning...). The sentence was something like:

The rioting probably won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town.

Now, this is what I read from that:

The rioting won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town for mass hysteria to affect it. But, yeah, all those feelings that R had last night, and the stress the two of you went through? No big deal. There's nothing to be worried about and you look like an idiot for checking on me.

It didn't help that he made a joke about cars being smashed along with people, which left a sour taste in my mouth for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep, worried sick about what R would have to go through emotionally under the circumstance that something were to happen to S. He finally messaged me hours later to confirm he had gotten to the air port alright and to tell her he was safe. With that, R got to wake up to some happy news, and it made the whole situation worth it.

I've been having some thoughts of death recently, for the past few weeks or so. I intend on documenting them in another blog I'll make when this post is done. R only learned of them a few nights ago, but, I felt like as soon as these riots happened, she completely forgot about what I was going through to worry about something that might not even effect any of her friends. This didn't help me feel any better, if that wasn't obvious. I know I shouldn't really be an attentionwhore or use my depression as an excuse to try and grasp for attention, but, right now, I'm a very fragile being, and I need a lot of reminders to keep me on top of my depression. Needless to say, her worrying about someone who I'm in competition with for her heart while I'm sitting in the corner considering how they would play out if I just disappeared off of the face of the world does not a good combination make.

For the first few hours, I expressed my needs, and things were okay when she comforted me and reminded me that everything would be okay, and that things do in fact get better. We even linked to a kind of hilarious story about Jesus of Nazareth killing a child who bumped into him on a trip to the market to remind me that the best people aren't entirely innocent.

Then, she relayed a bit that really didn't do my mind good. Apparently, even though I had forced myself to bite my tongue and attempt to be civil with someone who I dislike intensely, and took time out to work towards a bigger goal- Giving her peace of mind-, he didn't even MENTION that someone had checked in on him for her. Another complete disregarding of her feelings... Or at least that's what it felt like.

Then we got into a bit of an argument where I told her about how sore I was over the conversation last night, and that I wasn't okay with that it seemed to completely ignore her feelings about the riots. I realize I'm overreacting a little, but, I also feel that she's underreacting and once again excusing his behavior just because he's him. I honestly don't think I'd get the same amount of slack that she appears to give him, and, everytime I do fuck up, I do my best to fix it. I don't just keep making strings of mistakes without thinking about what's going on and doing my best to avoid future problems. I just happen to be incredibly stupid, selfish, and end up making new mistakes constantly.

She had to leave to go somewhere with the family... She said she was bleeding and not to talk to her. At first I assumed that this meant I had driven a bad habit of hers, digging her nails into her skin, to a new level... She told me before that she hadn't drawn blood or anything when she digs at it, even though I've still complained about her causing any kind of pain to herself, even out of nervousness. I just about wanted to kill myself then for knowing I've become exactly the thing it is that I can't stand and swore I would never be. I confirmed that it was... another reason, a reason women will sometimes bleed say about once a month over that I had completely forgotten. For whatever reason I never associate those two types of blood with one another...

I probably shouldn't talk to her for another two hours or so, and, I think I need to work on my summer reading... Time to take a break from emotional weariness and dive into some good ol' Ender's Game.

I'd do anything to fix this. I just hope she can talk to me later on... and if she doesn't want to, that's fine.

I listened to the words he'd say

But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and grey
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear, it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away

The Day the World Went Away - NIN


R and I got into a fight earlier because of my misinterpretation that mid-February, she would decide if she wanted a relationship as a definite day of celebration. I somehow took it as "if you wait this long, things will work out, just wait." I became upset because what I thought would be a holiday is now a day of reckoning. I felt as if I was being led on for just a fucking 'maybe.'

Although it was an argument, we got a few things clear, and she told me a few things that are better off spoken than left up in the air. It's a lot easier for me to accept that they used to be intimate before the two of us got close and before he got together with his girlfriend at the time than should it have been introduced months later. Things make more sense, why her feelings are so strong, but... I'm not mad at her for it, how can I be? What she did with her partner at the time is her business, not mine. I am, however, infuriated by the thought that he not only was intimate with her, but, refused a relationship, even though she's desperately wanted one since the beginning. There are consequences of what we do, and, out of respect for her, he could have at least gave her a relationship. Instead, no, he treats her like a one night stand after a "heat of the moment" incident, promptly says 'tough shit,' gets a girlfriend, and just leaves her there by herself. Then, this girl cheats on him (which I think he probably deserved), so he's left with R again. This bastard is so fucking lucky. No matter what he does, his web of fuck ups is so perfect, he can't do anything too wrong, and she keeps crawling back for more of him, waiting for him to change. And the worst part? He has changed.

Two days before the testdrive, he admitted he loved her- About fucking time-, so, now, being occupied with this isn't helping her, and the two weeks are making it seem as if she's ignoring him because she won't flirt back (additional thought... if you don't flirt back, so someone thinks you're ignoring them, what exactly does that tell you about the foundation of that relationship...?) Now, here's where I get upset. She doesn't want to tell him about the two weeks because he said it so close to the time when R said she was comfortable with the test drive. This infuriated me because I had been telling her for two months how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her, despite anything else. Somehow, two days of him turning around and deciding he had the balls to say he loved her, you know, after getting that chance at her months before and not taking it, somehow equalizes two solid months of me doing everything I could to support her while trying to express my love and my care and get along with him. It's not fair. Nothing I do seems to compare up to him.

Then she let me know that beforehand, she told him that even if she can't have him now, she won't really be looking for anyone else. This makes me upset, because, she said from the beginning, I had a chance, when it seems that I never seemed to do. It also bothers me because this entire test drive sounds like a lie if they said they weren't going to go after anyone else. I'm hoping she can explain this to him now, I don't want it coming up later after its gathered more weight. Maybe, just, maybe, that'll make the last few days of this test easier... For everyone.

Later on, I called her, being too upset to even type. We cried some things through, and it seems that things are calm. We talked on skype and she wasn't in the best mood, so after a bit of consoling, being told that we need to take a break from some of our intimacy, and guitar, she went to sleep, and I realized something: She isn't just someone I love, she's my refuge. Hopefully when she wakes up, she'll be in a better mood, and we'll watch the new TribeTwelve together.

I don't like putting this kind of responsibility on one person, but, luckily, I'm going to dismiss that. She's my refuge from my depression. My sanctuary. My safehaven. She is the warm place I can go to when I feel low. I'm desperately afraid of S taking away that safe place that I've grown to love and care for so much. She's so much more than a place, she's my everything. Without her, I wouldn't be much different, but, with her, I'm so much more. She's nothing but an addition to my life, and a great one at that.

For her, I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd borrow just to get fare to visit her to comfort her when she's upset, like tonight. It goes against my entire moral standing, but, for her, anything. I just want to see her happy. Hell, I'd even say that I would want her to have a chance with S to be happy, even if it meant giving up what I feel. If Option 4 could become Option 2, I'd give it to her in a heartbeat. As long as I get to keep my warm place, my cute little R.

I just want everyone to be happy. Bedtime.

So, turns out, GD and RL not only broke up- They broke up because RL wanted to explore his sexuality. Now, I realize I have no room to speak, but...

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It sucks to be her. GD is a very attractive young woman- Anyone who even second guesses their sexuality while being with her -must- be gay. So, also, not only did he break up with her because he's a homosexual, he did it by text message. Points to you, RL.

Here's the best part: She -still- wants to get back together with him, and she acknowledges that it's a stupid idea to want to, so, I got the answer to my previous post: She was, and is, being irrational. I am so happy I moved on past her. I couldn't be any happier than with R. Well, I could be, but, that has to wait till February. So, I'm happy as I can be at the current moment. On a less positive note, these two weeks are going by horribly fast... I don't want them to end.

While I work on the script for my Operator-related series, a good friend of mine, AJ, who I've known for roughly four years via the internet, and I are going to be working on a small Team Fortress 2 creepypasta based around a video of an annoying kid. This kid wasn't just annoying. We both believe him to be devilspawn and I'm talking to the person who recorded him at the moment. Need to get back to that.

This charade, it won't last

When he's gone, I won't come back


Dammit - Blink 182




G and her boyfriend broke up. It sucks. I was really starting to feel happy for them, and, I was actually happy that he came along and wiped away the chance I had- I never would have made it to being this close with R. She was a stepping stone and as much as it hurt me and wasted space on this blog, it felt good to move on to something bigger.

I don't exactly know what I feel now, but, one thing's for sure, I've already told R I would stay no matter what, and that no other girl is going to get in the way of that, and I meant it. There's some kind of sick irony in this, somewhere.

April is now mid-February... I can work with this, I don't think I want to push it to being any closer.

If Chase and Eva break up within the next few days, I'm going to definitely take this as divine humor.

Please, anyone..?

I don't think I can save myself again...
I'm drowning here... Please...
Anyone..?

A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels

Okay... where do I start...

Earlier, the guy R loves from England, who, for all sakes and purposes, will now be referenced as S for this post, posted something on her facebook in drunken rambling about playing a drinking game that would get anyone bombed. It was one of those 'take a shot everytime x happens.' I got extremely defensive because, for one, it seemed like she was cutting slack for him drinking, even though I'm positive he isn't old enough to drink would he be in the US, and quite frankly, I don't think anyone under the age of 21 is mature enough to handle it, period.

He also posted something so fucked up grammar and letterwise that I actually read a message that wasn't there about him seeming to invite her to do the game with him whenever she was 'up there.' The message was actually 'We're going up to play the drinking game,' but, I didn't see it as that at the time.

For the first time in my life, these resentful, awful thoughts came into my head about a man who did nothing to wrong me but be a great friend in my best friends life.
I hope he drinks himself to death.
Drunk car accidents happen all the time.
His heart would give out faster if he does drink.
I feel terrible for this! I can't figure out why I can't shake these thoughts of my head, it's like my depression, but, for once, the voice doesn't just sound like mine- It IS mine. They say God judges by the hearts of men as well as the actions and words, so, where the fuck am I going for thinking consciously about the death of someone who's done nothing wrong?!

Through all these thoughts, I told R off and I expressed my feelings about how fucked up I felt it was that I was still competing with someone who was doing something that irresponsible. She didn't know what to say. When she didn't immediately oppose his actions, I took it as acceptance. That threw me off the deep end, again, and I had to leave and go for a walk.

While out on my walk, I prayed for a bit, tried to meditate by the creek and hopefully come upon some sort of solution to the quarrel. That... half worked. I think I lost a friend of mine, who wasn't related to this conversation at all, for good this time by complaining and complaining, but, she's running away to California soon with the newest guy she likes, so... I can't exactly say I'm losing much. If God wants it resolved, it will be. If not, well, oh well. The problem here is knowing when to act and when to keep to myself and let him act. God does help those who help themselves...

When I got home, we talked a lot of it through, but, the situation isn't resolved yet. We talked on the phone where we both seemed just mumble and cry and try and choke up the words we had to say. She eventually agreed to the testdrive sooner rather than later, but... I can't help but shake the feeling that it was only because of the tantrum I through. I don't want to be like her ex and either drag her, pressure her, or guilt her into something she doesn't want. I want her to sincerely mean it before we jump into anything, even if just to see how it would work out. I'm going to kick myself later for this, but, I asked her to seriously think about it tomorrow before we both agree to it, to make sure that is sincere, and not just to keep me content...

Even so, she's afraid that even if the two weeks are great, she still won't be comfortable with not being around S, or waiting for me to get older, and so the two weeks are all I'll have until April... I can't decide if it would make things more or less tolerable.

We just finished watching another entry of marblehornets on synchtube. Hopefully she's going to be calling me soon.

I kind of really want to take that testdriving chance and hope everything works out better than expected but I don't know yet. I'll have an answer by this time tomorrow, I'm sure.

Then I have two weeks to not fuck anything up and convince here I'm the proper choice without going up and beyond as well as being someone I'm not... Here's to hoping God's on my side and that the next two weeks go well.

What the FUCK did I do last night?!

And why can I only remember like half of it, and, why did I think I was dreaming?!

I'm a whore... fuck my life.

She shines in a world full of ugliness

She matters when everything's meaningless
Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch you slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails


I'm sure Nheat is sick of reading about my lovesickness, but, too bad. R really does mean the world to me, and, fuck it, the English guy being in the picture or not, I'm going to be here for her, I'm going to love her with all my heart, be here to comfort her when she's upset, do my best to make her as happy as possible, and overall by the best fucking human being I can be for her sake. Even if we don't work out (although I'm still optimistic about that), now, I know I'm going to be one of the best boyfriends, fiancé's, husbands, and father to the children of a lucky woman who I hope I have the pleasure of settling down with. For now, I'm not planning on it being anyone else besides her, even if it has to wait, or even if she decides marriage and children aren't for her after all. I'm here to pick up the pieces and wait until she's comfortable enough to a point where I can be everything she wants and needs.

I won't let her fall apart.

Third time writing the same post

Everytime a little bit less to say. To summarize something long into something short, Voltaire's "The Last Word" wraps up the way I feel about my father, entirely. "Screw suicide, I'm going to remain on this world to watch the one who drove me to it wither away"

I honestly can't believe how much I care about R. I don't know if love exists at my age or for my person but I think this is it. That perfect harmony I spoke of is ringing so melodically for me, but, not as much for her. She's been going through some issues I don't feel right disclosing here as it's her business, not any of yours. She makes me feel so loved, so cared about, so happy, so amazing, so special, as if maybe, just, maybe, I'm worth something after all. I just hope I can make her feel a fraction of the positive that she managed to bestow on me. The way she talks, it gives me this odd feeling. She'll protest this of course, saying I'm looking too far into something, or that there's no guarantee for the future, but, it honestly doesn't seem a matter of 'if,' 'can,' or 'will.' It's a matter of 'when?' That feeling of impending doom that accompanies me with my anxiety attacks, it's the exact opposite. It feels like something amazing is going to happen. No sense of worry at all. I just need to wait for us to become something, and, that seems very pressuring, but, there's no pressure at all in this way I feel. It doesn't have to, it'd just be nice. Something in my gut tells me that when things are worked through, and she's feeling better, I still have that chance.

Until then, I intend on being the best damn friend and human being I can possibly be for her. If at the end, she does decide to try and become something, well, I do luck out. There's no guarantee of course, but, this feeling's hard to rid of, and, quite frankly, I don't think I want to, even if things don't work out.

So... I assume this is love.

Now I see why people go crazy over it. Anything for this feeling. Anything to see her happy. And, if those two mix, that harmony is going to become even more beautiful.

Thanks bastards, you made me what I am

Thanks bastards, I took the goods and ran
I took the goods and ran
I took the goods and ran


Thanks, Bastards - Mischief Brew


Had the hearing in front of the magistrate today. I had a miserable time, my anxiety was worse than it was in months. The AP from my school, this two-faced bitch who was the first one to accuse me of smoking pot when I was talked to about my school absences in eighth grade- Hell, she INSISTED upon it- who, near the end of the hearing, tried telling me that my extreme debilitating social anxiety was no big deal, as if I was trying to use it an as excuse, when I was simply taking responsibility for not handing in a note so my mother wouldn't have to.

You know who they put the blame on despite my pleading?

Her.

I fucking hate this town, this school district, this county. I went into a depressive episode earlier. I was managed to be calmed down, but, hell, I'll admit... that knife was pretty persuasive.

Depressive thoughts in-bound.
It'd be so simple. No more of this. No more hurting other people, no more getting others in trouble. I'd just die and that would be it. No more wasting money, no more causing grief for my mother and the school district. Just plunge it into your chest, it's all over, you'll die so fast it'll feel like a pinprick.


I decided against it. I know there's more to this life than just this shit, even if I can't see it right now. Maybe I need to take my own advice. Maybe it will get better.

We got off with just a fine, 30 per month for... I don't know how long.

Thank you, Lord, thank you friends, thank you everyone whose been supportive of me for everything.

Quizzically titled blogpost

A spiritualist of common religious origin just visited my mother and I today. We talked for about half an hour.

It seems like he's a bit off with some of what he's saying, or, at least he's off with the timeframe. He picked up all of my depressive thoughts, but, they aren't with me anymore. I think I've just been cooked up in here for the last two years with all these feelings that all of my memories and emotions of the past are leaking out into him. He specifically told me extracting revenge on a certain someone who I never had to mention was a terrible idea and I should let God handle it. However, I haven't felt that way in two months, which leads me to wondering... Am I still the same inside? I feel so much different. I feel changed. I feel more faithful. I'm working on moving past this, but, he insisted upon the thought that suicide was not the answer, even though I haven't considered that seriously, since, what? February, March?

Either he is indeed picking up on old things or things are going to get worse in the future. I'm praying it's a future that's not set in stone. I wanna hang out with SK today. I haven't seen her in months, that irritates me, her summer classes for college are getting in the way of what I know would be an even more amazing friendship. She's the closest thing to a sister I've had in a long while, I guess it's just normal to miss her.

I think I'm going to send her the link to this blog soon. She went through a relationship similar to what I'm striving for with R, but, hers didn't end so well... I think the times have advanced from then, though. Voice and visuals are no longer a 'only during the actual meet-up' thing. I think my feelings for R are legitimate, not just something I've fabricated, which seems to be where SK and (I believe his name started with a) B's had gone sour. They discovered there was nothing romantic or intimate among them. I don't think I have anything to discover about my feelings towards R now. I'm about 90% sure this is real, else, I guess I'm just one of the best friends to ever exist, and, that's in no way a bad thing. Feels good, man.

In other news, the girl I had been going after in April, May, and June got back into contact with me. We're talking again as just friends and things seem to be working out good for everyone. It seems like a signal for the future that things are going to be better in the current situation than they would have been between us. Good.

Lord guide my words, my actions, and my intent.

Forever alone

Well, inverted e-penis contest time.

I've never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl, even as something small, or one who was drunk, which are aplenty at my age. I've been rejected by girls who were drunk. I've never even had one of those little elementary school relationships, even less something in middle school, and foreveralone in high school. Even back in elementary school, only one girl ever liked me, and she was far from the cream of the crop.

The closest thing to a kiss was holding a girls hand as just friends. I have no one to cuddle with, no one to hold, no one to love, and, let's be honest, that's all I really want. I'd trade in all sexual desire for that one person, for that one meaningful relationship. All I want in life is a loyal, pretty girl who would love me, but, that seems too much to ask for. Now, if I wanted a slut who I could go drinking with, I guarantee I'd be in luck. Everyone keeps telling me how mature and blessed I am for realizing it, but, really, at the end of the day, whose the bigger loser, the idiot in bliss or the man crying himself to sleep?

I feel like I'm never going to leave this place where I am, like no one's going to love me in the way I desperately crave to give and receive. By the time a girl would want me, I'd be far out of high school, and, well, I don't know if I have that kind of patience. I don't want to retract the bitten hand for all of the animals, but, I seem to be running out of options fast, as keeping my hand out is only making me nervous.

I think soon I'm just going to keep my feelings for R to myself and let her do what she wants with whoever she chooses. Trying to talk about it is useless. I can't convince her of how happy I would make her. I can't convince her for the chance to try and prove it. That and she's already going through enough shit with the move without me... I think I'm done...

As long as that closeness stays... I don't know. Maybe I'll let go of it. Maybe.


But probably not.

Tell me

Tell me, Dr. Freeman, if you can: you have destroyed so much — what is it exactly that you have created? Can you name even one thing?... I thought not. 


Dr. Wallace Breen - Half Life 2




Once again, here I go jumping off the deep end of an ambiguous comment left to me by her... Ugh. I feel like such an asshole. Last night I had accidentally made her cry by triggering some thoughts about one of her previous boyfriends. Today I started an argument and went into an episode and fit of crying and complaining and cynical bitching.


Near the end of all my complaints, she said the room was spinning, that she felt sick, and that she wanted to lay down because she felt like she was blacking out. I feel terrible for causing this with the argument... There's nothing I can say to try and make up for this, and, I wouldn't be surprised if she just about hates me now. I keep going on and on about how I don't trust anyone else to not hurt her, or how I never want to, or how I'll keep her safe, and, what do I do? I pull another stunt like this and hurt her worse.


Why do I hurt the ones I care about the most?


'Cause I will always hurt everyone I love
If I were you, I'd run away 'cause it's true
That I will always hurt everyone I love
I'm aching for you but
You're bound to bleed if I adore you


Coward - Black Light Burns

Pahaha... I'm an idiot.

She and I cleared everything up. She just needs some non-intimate time to herself. We still get to be just as close, I still get to flirt shamelessly, still get to express my feelings. I have no idea why I was that upset about this.  I feel so silly for it. I can't be mad at her for not being clear about it- It's such an insignificant thing looking back on it. Here I thought I was going to be losing my best friend without a chance in the world to ever fix it... Turns out she just wanted a bit of space to think some things over.

She also said a few things that... have my hope back up. She made her thoughts clear this time. She needs that non-intimate time to think things through about the situation... That and she doesn't quite think she's ready for me to be as much as I want to be for her. I told her we could always make it a little less serious to relieve the pressure and work towards me being that knight in shining armor. She also said that when the time does come where she would be read for something again, I'd be the first person she told, and, well, that made me feel so much better. This means if the time does come, I'm definitely going to know and have the opportunity back, if she's comfortable with it...

She was crying last night. It was heart breaking. I only know about two of her boyfriends in detail and they both didn't deserve her yet managed to use her. I don't understand what kind of monster it takes to do that. She's such a sweet girl, she's so kind, such a warm soul. They were fucked up people, and they've hurt her badly... My drive to make up for this and show her just how much she's worth is back. I'll get to that after I've comforted her through the rough times with the mood and what she's been through.

Harmony

Combo breaker, a post that doesn't start with song lyrics.

I've recently patched together an understanding of why my feelings are so strong about things. When you use initial feelings and put logic to it, you get two results: logical or illogical. With the illogical, you can hold on to the feeling, or do your best to ignore the logic, or any of that, but, in the end, it will come crashing down when you try and force your feelings to fit in this illogical world. The best example I can think of is infatuation- You make the person seem like your perfect match, like the best person in the world for you, you exalt them to this throne where they can do nothing wrong, and are godlike, or at least that's my understanding.

However, when you apply logic to something, and it turns out your feelings are logical, your heart and your mind are now working together towards a common, true goal. After putting something to this test, if your feelings are logical, the two forces sing together in this perfect harmony that no feeling or thought can reach by itself. In this song, the feelings become deeper, truer, and all of those irrational thoughts disintegrate- This is where you accept someone for who they are, good and bad, and completely accept them, not who you think they are.

I think this is why this hit me so badly. With 'R,' I can see that although she has her insecurities and isn't quite perfect, she's not 'perfect' to me- She's this amazing, wonderful angel who I can't stand to spend time away from, as stalkerish as that sounds. Through this wonderful existence, my feelings and thoughts worked together, placing her into a spot where through her imperfections, she became perfect. I think I can honestly say I love her, I don't just like her the way I did 'K' or 'E' or 'A' or 'G.' They were all people who I had turned them into- Hell, I hardly knew K, E hid stuff from me, A lied to me constantly, and G... Well, she wasn't convinced that I would be the best choice, which, maybe I wouldn't have been. I tried ignoring the flaws, not embracing them. This harmony, it's such a beautiful thing- My only regret is that I'm the only one of us whose hearing it. Maybe in the future...

Now, I don't know the guy she likes enough to say that he's an illogical choice, but, she's said that she won't logic into the situation- Everything for him and I are raw feelings. I don't expect to get her back, at least not anytime soon, as she has better things to worry about, but, I just wish I could convince her to hear this music, and try and apply some logic to what she feels... I'm not a bad guy. I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm by no means unintelligent, and while not quite as mature as I feel I should be, I have a pretty damn great personality. I could go off listing specific qualities or talents but I don't see it as right to egowank, even on my own blog. Point being, if she would hear this same harmony through thoughts and feeling for me, I'm positive it would outshine the infatuation for him. Now, assuming she uses logic with me, it's not right to deny him the chance at a logical analysis, either, so I know I'm not quite in the clear. If he turns out to be a logical conclusion, then, I think I can upgrade him from option 4 to option 2, and, if the harmony for him is stronger than mine, well, I'd understand and try and move on.

This new found discovery helps me understand my depression more. I wanted to kill myself because I felt that my insecurities and fears were real because of the biased and unreasonable consciousness agreed upon me being worthless, and so many other bad things that I know now just aren't true. The harmony was there, but, it was fabricated by depressive thinking- I then realized I had no reason to agree when I broke out of the small opaque barrier it had kept me in and I was able to see things from such a broader horizon, and view just how unreasonable it was after all.

I've been doing my best to ignore what today/last night was through almost non-stop musical input today. I hung out with TB for awhile and then came home, I might get picked up by NY later.

tl;dr
logic + feelings = harmony more beautiful than logic or feelings separately
this harmony applies to her
she isn't using harmony, she's using plain feelings
if she feels a stronger harmony for him than me, well, reluctantly understood, but, i'd be more content with that
depression is a faux harmony
fuck problems, make music

11 years

It's been 11 years since that night... Since the argument between my parents finally escalated to something terrible, despite my mothers' innocence and that she was only sticking up for herself. 11 years since he beat her mercilessly, punched her, dragged her by the hair, slammed her against the concrete sidewalk, threw her into the metal fence around the pool, and so much more I've either made myself forget or didn't witness.

I still remember my brother and sister waking me up. I still remember looking out the window to see my mother there. I still remember wondering what the fuck went wrong, what she could have possibly done to deserve that, why my father wasn't upstairs, and if he was downstairs, why he wasn't helping her. Somewhere in the back of my head I think I already knew he had done it but I desperately didn't want to believe it for the sake of the family. I still remember the police officer who came upstairs to check on us and the tantrum I almost threw when he wasn't downstairs helping my mom.

It's been 11 years since that, since my father got off without punishment, since the 18 month protection from abuse, since my mother left him, since we moved in with my grandmother, since the nights where we would stay up crying, desperately afraid he would kill us in our sleep. 11 years since I first developed post-traumatic stress disorder, have been flinching horribly, have nearly cried at the sound of a loud voice in an angry tone...

I don't want to stay in this place. Why can't I just get over it...? It's been 11 years... My siblings either deny it or ignore it, why can't I be that low...? Why do I have to the big boy, despite being the youngest? Why do I have to be one of the only ones who's still hurting? Why did he get off without punishment? Why is that fucker still alive? How much longer is he gonna be alive? When is God going to finally judge him? Why isn't God answering my prayers? Is he going to Hell at all? Am I the one going to Hell for holding onto this hatred?

Most of all, why did I have to choose this time to throw a fit about one of the only persons who cared about me and push her away from me when I desperately need someone there for me?

This hurts. So much.

Saw that day

I lost my mind
Lord, I'm fine
Maybe in time,
You'll want to be mine?


El Mañana - Gorillaz


She cut it off today... To be honest, I'm surprised she took so long to do this... I would have done it to myself a long time ago. It seems like my last stand was worthless, but, it gave me some closure about some stuff... Now that it's over, she wants some time to herself, which I understand completely and am fine with. Her denying me a chance in the future to redeem myself after we're both in better places mentally, emotionally, and physically... That worries me. I still want to be there for her, I want to be everything she could want, and, if given the opportunity, I'm sure it would happen. So, now I sit back, and wait for the time where she thinks she's ready and comes to seek me, which could be anywhere from in two weeks to two years, and any amount of things, including a relationship with the guy from England, happening, if she decides she wants to come seek me ever again.

It's either that or let go... I can't let go. I guess it's time to try and move past this and secretly hope somewhere in my subconscious that as my life goes on, she might turn back to me... But I'm doubting it. First 'G,' now 'R'... there seems to be a pattern here with people and logic... And I keep crawling back for more.

It's just a little upsetting. I was so willing to give up everything and spend the rest of my life with her... I guess she just didn't feel the same, and need to come to terms with the concept that she may never feel the same again after this break and move.

Let's try and stay positive, E.

Trembling hands reveal their purpose

Blisters form beneathe the surface
No one's gonna make me leave
I'm the one who still believes


The Believers - How To Destroy Angels


The best things in life are worth the wait... I hope.

She and I got to talking for a bit. There are a few more roadblocks than I had initially seen. She's not ashamed of my age, but, she's not comfortable with the reactions a relationship with me might cause among the community.. I have a special person in mind for this one whose name begins with C. Now, normally, I would just solve this problem with a good deck to the face for hurting someone I care about emotionally. I'm about eight hundred miles away. This doesn't seem to be a feasible response. The solution to this is to age far enough that no one could seriously accuse of her of being a predator or cougar, or, wait until I can physically be there to defend her. I don't think that would make the judgement towards her feel any better, though.

This explains a lot. I have to just wait... ten months, at least. I'm not too excited about that, but, I'm willing to wait if it gives me the chance. I promised her that if someone else were to come along, I'd at least give it my all when I tried with whoever it would be, that way I wouldn't be missing out 'because of her,' which I thought was ridiculous. Even if nothing were to come the two of us, I wouldn't have minded wasting time. So far, if it is a waste of time, it's my most enjoyable one thus far in life. I think I love her too much sometimes.

That, and, within these ten months, the guy from another country still has the opportunity to ask her out and I've told her that I want her to do whatever she's comfortable with... which, unfortunately for me, does in fact include dating him. The idea of that makes my heart drop but I'll have to be a big boy about it, I have no other choice, especially for her. I did get a.. bittersweet response to vocalizing my fears that he would ship her over before I got the chance to graduate and see if things were to work out between us when I'm on my own. She said she wouldn't move until at least a year after they were dating. For me, by that time, hopefully, it would be more than a year, so, I wouldn't have that to worry over. However, while I might have her a few months before she goes off and would spend the rest of her life with him, which I'm sure he'd either make perfect for her and make me bite the bullet or harm her and make me want to kill him. Problem being after those months were gone, I'd lose her, no matter how much she says she won't leave. I don't want to go back to being just friends. I don't just care about her romantically but that's something that adds a whole lot to my feelings. She's a great friend- Hell, one of my best. But, the reason for this is because I'm allowed to be open about my feelings. I'm sure he wouldn't like me still having feelings for her regardless of their fairy tale life. I also proposed the idea that if this 'needs' an answer for either of us soon, we take a week or two to test-drive it. If she completely hates it or misses the other guy too much, then, we pull the plug and we'll have our answer as to whether or not she wants something with me.

So, the long wait, and hoping the fates are kind and play the cards in my favor... Bring it. I'm willing to invest this much time into it if it means I could get that opportunity, even if just the chance to have an opportunity. The rewards completely outweigh the vices.

She's moving to Arkansas soon. She hasn't been feeling too well, or, at least she's saying that. I'm worried that all this talk over her relationship status is going to add unneeded stress onto her. She has enough to deal with through leaving friends behind, moving somewhere new, and her family being completely unsupportive. I don't think I can bring myself to try and talk to her about this anymore, not now. I feel so bad... I care for her so much, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. But, through this, I'm taking the chance of being vulnerable and harmed...

Final thoughts.

Worst case scenario: I lose the opportunity and the other guy swoops in and steals part of someone I love from me, but, unless I seriously fuck something up, I get to keep a great friend.
Best case scenario: Things go better than expected after ten months, the relationship works out, we carve the rest of our lives.

I think the rewards outweigh the vices here, as well. Two more days of out patient.

Oh, right, this is kind of important

I am officially off of the seroquel xr. Fuck yeah.

Also, herpity derp. I need to listen to logic more often, it's a lot more pleasant than fear. No one was ignoring me. All my mistake. Herp.

Looking back, I really should have made my entire last post in italics. Oops.

I am a silencing machine

Not gone. Not quite yet.
I'm still here, in the back of your mind.
That uncertainty? That hesitancy? That's me.
Try as you may, keep pouring the pills down your throat.
I'll always be here. Waiting for you to slip. So I can take control again.
Just to rub it in your face, you useless prick.


There's a glimpse into the depressive thoughts that still sneak their way into my brain. It's a quiet presence but it's still there. I can't let go of things like that. No suicidal thoughts, thank God.

I'm feeling very, very unimportant, ignored, and unloved, specifically by some friends of mine who dropped off the face of the Earth last night. I don't want to be mad at them, but, they left me alone with my brain after a day where I really needed them. I can't rely on them like that, though. I'll get over it soon enough.

A lot of these thoughts sprout from my unsure, inferior feelings for her. I just want to be important enough to her. I just want the chance to show that I can be all she could want. It doesn't seem like I will be able to until I'm the only person in the picture, and, to be honest, she's afraid to give that chance, I think. I'm afraid to talk to her due to previous encounters with a boyfriend who was near my age. He pressured and pressured her and basically begged her to get his way. I don't want to be like that, but, unlike him, I'm not a selfish prick, and I know I would bring happiness her way just as steadily as she is mine. This is what happens when I'm left alone with my insecure mind. Fuck.

I'm going to get back to sleep... I'd say I wish I loved her less but that would be a flat out lie. I just hope she understands how much I do love her. I want to make her happy. That's all. I just want to show how much I love her and it seems so far out of reach due to... others who are getting in the way (see: option 4). I can't make her get rid of feelings for other people, and I don't want to... but, if I can blow them out of the water, and I seriously believe I would make her happier long-term than he would, then... I think I'm going to at least try to be who I want her to have. She gives me the self confidence I've seldom seen. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to show her just how important she is and how happy I could make her.

God, I love some people, sometimes.

I've seen good people bleed

"And I thought I had seen it all
But, my own two eyes
Were perfectly normal that day
There's things that I've done
Only seen by the sun
And those things will be buried
With me at my grave"


Iodine Sky - Black Light Burns


They're fixing my medicine. I stood up for myself for once with the head psychiatrist and expressed my extreme displeasure towards the seroquel. They explained to me they didn't remove me on the klonopin because of addiction but rather resistance to it.

Slowly weening off of it, back down to 50 milligrams for the next two days, then 25, then I get off of it for good. There must be a God out there listening to me somewhere.

Working on a video series to resemble but make itself unique from marblehornets. Writing the script now. Let's hope for the best.

All the pigs are all lined up

I give you all that you want.
Take the skin, peel it back.
Now, doesn't it make you feel... better?


Doesn't it?!
March of the Pigs - Nine Inch Nails


Very annoyed with the psychiatrist in my out patient program. She wasn't there the day they were evaluating me again for my medicines, and my sleep schedule had been fucked when they uped my dosage of Seroquel by 150%. So, instead, I got a new woman with no idea what the fuck she was doing, who knew no history about me, and didn't listen to a word I was telling her.

I explained how the Seroquel makes me feel like I get hit by a truck when it kicks in. She then proceeded to ask why I hadn't been sleeping. As I explain to her that even though my mind is slowed down and my body feels like I'm walking through a swamp even when I'm just breathing, she doesn't seem to get that despite all of this, I was unable to fall asleep. She then twisted my words when I said the Klonopin hadn't been doing the 'kick' into making me sleep as that it was no longer working as a relaxant.

My current medicines:
-Prozac 60 mg (the only thing they didn't fuck with)
-Seroquel 75 mg (so fucking mad about this. I don't like to be paranoid but it appears to me that they try and use this as a godpill.)
-Ambien 1 mg for sleep.

The Ambien makes me drift off to sleep and I feel rested in the morning without any grogginess at all. Now here's my new question:

I don't have psychosis, bipolar, mood swings, or schizophrenia. Those are the most common uses for Seroquel. It has 'benefits' (which are basically unintended side effects) of helping people fall asleep (by making them feel like had all the energy zapped out of them) and (slightly) reduces anxiety (which never worked for me.) Why the fuck am I on this medicine? My paranoid thoughts are making it seem as if the people there are using this as an experiment for us. I shouldn't be on this any longer. I'm going to complain and complain and complain until they remove it.

The Prozac is what helped with my depression, not the Seroquel.
The Ambien is what helps me sleep, not the Seroquel.
The Klonopin is what reduced my anxiety, not the Seroquel.
I'm going to get the fuck off of this pill if it kills me.

In case I haven't pointed it out, they took me off of my Klonopin, you know, the anxiety medication I've been on for weeks. Good move, pigs.

I don't wanna hear that bullshit about how it 'works with other medicines,' either. There is no excuse for keeping me on this. I no longer feel safe with my psychiatric treatment. This is ethically wrong. When they take me off of the Seroquel and replace my medicines with what we've proven works, and they see the lack of Seroquel doesn't do shit to the other medicines, then I'll promptly tell them to bite me.

Well... I can't actually do that last part. Wouldn't be fair. That's someone elses' job, isn't it? :x

While I'm tearing at the seams, I'll apologize to anything

I'm sorry. I'm selfish.
I'm sorry that I behave this way.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
I'm sorry that you lost your faith in me.


I'm Sorry - Voltaire


I'm in a rather... complicated relationship, to say the least. This hasn't started recently, or, not too recent. End of April this was 'officially' begun. Let me see if I can get the short version... Facebook marriage turns into a somewhat 'real' relationship, the problems being an age difference, a distance gap, and that she's mad for a guy on the other side of the world. Granted, I'm a few states away, but, I'm in the same country.

I'm still young so I really have no reason to start complaining yet. Normally, I let go of something if I care. This is not one of those situations. She says how amazing he is, and how much he cares about her, but, from every conversation I've witnessed either with him or from the sidelines, he seems like a cold, mean-spirited douchebag. There was another guy who came along who I was about ready to force her to ask out, but, if I recall, there was no 'spark' there between them. He treated her right, though, at least from what I could tell, and there's yet to be contradicting evidence, as opposed to the .. other person.

At the end of the day, I just want her to be as happy as possible, and, looking at life the way it is, a fifteen year old from another state isn't exactly a perfect shot to happiness. I don't even know what I'm aiming for anymore. My most prominent thought is that, knowing myself, and knowing her, I think the most rational choice would be me- I could ensure her happiness myself, no reliance on other people to make her laugh or smile or console her. Then, there's the second option- once she finds a guy who can make her very happy who will treat her right, urge and support her to choose him. This seems to be the most likely solution- She's moving soon, and being the gem she is, she's going to be found by someone in the new area. The only reason she's single right now is because she hadn't been at the right place at the right time; I'm convinced of it. Third option, try and keep her as happy as possible at a sideline as just a friend while she remained single. This is a bittersweet option. She would be content, but, maybe not as happy as she'd want to be, but, there would be no risk of heartbreak. Finally, we have the dreaded fourth option... I hate this one. Dump everything and let her take her chance with a guy who I honestly don't think is worth the effort she's putting forward.

It's almost scary how much she feels for him... He could break her heart in less than a beat, and, knowing most men... I'm worried. He's already shown signs of instability, at least relationship-wise, from what I've caught onto, and you can judge that as either hawk eyed or paranoid. I don't want her to throw away everything she has to go date the guy in England only for him to- God help him if he would, he'd be castrated faster than a horse- cheat on her for someone he may run into at a bar one night. It's mainly my own insecurities being projected onto her situation, and I know I should just back off, but, we're at a choice of option 1, option 3, and the risky option 4. Option 3 doesn't seem to be keeping her happy, or happy enough- She's torn between this as much as I am, if not more. I don't want to let her be vulnerable to any kind of pain, but, just two years till I'm out of this hellhole valley, and, maybe I'll be some knight in shining armor to come steal her away on a steed to a kingdom. I would be fine with waiting that long to see if things would play out in my favor or in hers up here, as I have promised several people I will visit them, I told her I'd try to move her up to somewhere around here... preferably not in the same area, maybe a few counties over, that would be nice. The only problem is that the main focus in Option 4 is older, has no schooling left to do, and would probably be able to ship her over to the country before I graduate... Feels bad, man...

I love her so much, even if I don't quite understand how. She means so much to me. I can be so open about anything, even the topic at hand, and she's understanding, even if annoyed. She's practically my best friend and she knows more about me and what I've been through than half of the people at my out-patient program (which I'm going to be late for if I don't get some sleep soon...). I want her to be happy, but, I don't want to have to see her get hurt by the third party... Life isn't black and white, there has to be some sort of gray line around here SOMEWHERE that I can let her wander onto without too much worry.

Please stay safe, 'R,' and if you read this before I get to talk to you tomorrow... Thanks for reading, I'm sorry for the argument last night... I think my feelings and views are more organized here and probably a bit easier to take in.

Let's try sleeping again...

My Curse

I, E[REDACTED] T. [EXPUNGED], being of sound mind and body, do declare this:

Beyond this point, upon my death, I do hereby curse the scum of the world to suffer from the same artificially-induced drowsiness and torment that sleep medication has brought me.

-The Letter E