Echoes in your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color - if I had a heart
Come on, tell me...
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place, it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me...
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have...
Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have
Homecoming night was fun. At first, G and I just lounged, finally convinced me to at least try and dance (although I wouldn't call idly rocking and moving my arms slightly dancing). We obtained 'liquid' as she called it, saw JJP and a few other people I knew, most of which I hated. We got to snicker and mock the people who were grinding like whores as we just stood back away from the limelight. We even got some filming in for the video series which I did, in fact, begin working on.
So far that's been pretty good, too. 70 subscribers, over 2000 upload views. Even it's own small fanpage on facebook, as well as a group for it in which I realized how idiotic people are when it comes to piecing together plot points.
Anyway, the night ended with a slow dance, where I feel I was actually taught how to dance. She had to guide my hands at first but I got ahold of it- rather, her- quickly. It was to that really cliché Maroon 5 song about the broken girl but we still enjoyed it. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but, I've never really had a girlfriend or date before that night. The feeling it provided exceeded expectations, being that close with someone, being able to hold them. Yet, all the while, I couldn't help but wish that it was R I was dancing with.
R threw a bit of a fit earlier in the day and didn't want to talk to me, needed 'space.' That night, she completely blew me off, and rubbed it in my face that she was ignoring me. We patched things up the next morning, where, in some sweet form of irony, I was given the same speech again about how she felt pressured into this relationship with me and how much she missed and still loved S. So what happened next, you ask? I was pressured myself into breaking it off and calling it a hiatus when I think she knows that she has no intention of coming back to me. Great, karma. Couldn't have chosen a better way to get me.
Earlier today, we talked, and, for whatever reason, even though she and I are no longer together (as if we really were to begin with, the way she was acting...), she's still jealous of G. I tried talking it through with her to see if she could shake the feeling, she can't. I still think it's fucked that she's allowed to go back to S and she doesn't approve of G and I just going to a dance together. She signed off a few hours ago, saying she'd be back in an hour... another empty promise. I'm feeling like complete and utter shit.
And now Lovesong by Voltaire came on, a song I've always sang to her, and I'm on the verge of tears...
However far away... However long I stay... Whatever words I say...
She knows this by now, but, she doesn't know if S has the same policy to unconditionally love someone, which, from what I know, it seems he doesn't. No wonder I'm taken advantage of so easily, yet he's such an nonrenewable resource...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Almost a month
since my last post.
Things... weren't pretty. I came to a decision that I had to give R an ultimatum. Either choose me over S, or I was going to stop talking to her because of how much it hurt to think of her being with S. We both cried during this conversation, even if my voice sounded harsh.
By some stroke of luck, she chose me. Recently she's breaking things off with S, or so I'm told.
I feel like she only agreed out of obligation, not because she really loves or cares about me, even though I know she does. I finally have what I've craved for so long and yet I still feel hollow.
She made that decision on the 1st of October. I've been pushing more and more towards her publicly announcing- And of course, by that, I mean making it "facebook official"- that she has a boyfriend, preferably even mentioning that it's me. My paranoid thoughts would all be calmed just by the thought of her and I finally being officially together after all this time.
It gets more complicated, of course.
G and I have gotten relatively closer since we started hanging out. We're going to Homecoming tomorrow- I'm not sure whether as a couple or as friends, she never specified, so, I'm assuming friends until I'm proven wrong. R isn't thrilled about this... in fact, she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It's a little weird to see her being the jealous one.
I think it's a little fucked that she can be jealous of G when she won't even finalize our relationship status.
In other news, I went on omegle to vent to strangers about this situation, and made a new friend. Her name is Sasha. She's Indian, studying in Boston. We both suffer from horrible insomnia. She managed to cheer me up and give me some fantastic advice. Now just to hopefully talk things through with R tomorrow.
Things... weren't pretty. I came to a decision that I had to give R an ultimatum. Either choose me over S, or I was going to stop talking to her because of how much it hurt to think of her being with S. We both cried during this conversation, even if my voice sounded harsh.
By some stroke of luck, she chose me. Recently she's breaking things off with S, or so I'm told.
I feel like she only agreed out of obligation, not because she really loves or cares about me, even though I know she does. I finally have what I've craved for so long and yet I still feel hollow.
She made that decision on the 1st of October. I've been pushing more and more towards her publicly announcing- And of course, by that, I mean making it "facebook official"- that she has a boyfriend, preferably even mentioning that it's me. My paranoid thoughts would all be calmed just by the thought of her and I finally being officially together after all this time.
It gets more complicated, of course.
G and I have gotten relatively closer since we started hanging out. We're going to Homecoming tomorrow- I'm not sure whether as a couple or as friends, she never specified, so, I'm assuming friends until I'm proven wrong. R isn't thrilled about this... in fact, she doesn't want to talk about it at all. It's a little weird to see her being the jealous one.
I think it's a little fucked that she can be jealous of G when she won't even finalize our relationship status.
In other news, I went on omegle to vent to strangers about this situation, and made a new friend. Her name is Sasha. She's Indian, studying in Boston. We both suffer from horrible insomnia. She managed to cheer me up and give me some fantastic advice. Now just to hopefully talk things through with R tomorrow.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Last two hours
consisted of me crying over R. I think there are many more tears to be shed. It hurts so bad to think I've finally come this close for S to go and possibly fuck things up in one conversation, steal her away from me, and rob me blind of all things that I hold as important.
I want her to be mine.
Back to crying the rest of the night away.
I want her to be mine.
Back to crying the rest of the night away.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
LG
R's been a little jealous recently of G- Understandably so. She pointed out to me that I had only been mentioning her in the blog when we fight. While this may seem the case, the truth is, my life is boring, and I get sick of repeating the same things to my small crowd. If I don't talk about R enough, it isn't because I'm bored with her, or anything like that; It's because I'm content enough with things how they are, as best friends with a few qualities of lovers.
We talked last night about some of her exes and I wound up nearly crying. Stories like that almost make me happy that I've been single all my life... Almost. It isn't that bad, really. It gets lonely, sure, but, I'd never have to worry about lies, cheating, being used, being abused. A riskless life is a blissful life, and, bliss is only achieved through ignorance. I think I'm going to once again try sticking my hand out a little further and risk a bit more. I'm bored of being lonely.
I keep thinking about R's visit to me. I can't wait for it. I just want to snuggle and cuddle and hug all day, we wouldn't even have to leave the house for me to be happy. The thought of it has made school manageable for me. The days are long and tiresome but at least I can come home to someone who I know really loves me, and who I know for a fact that I love back.
Even if she is a few hours away at the moment.
We talked last night about some of her exes and I wound up nearly crying. Stories like that almost make me happy that I've been single all my life... Almost. It isn't that bad, really. It gets lonely, sure, but, I'd never have to worry about lies, cheating, being used, being abused. A riskless life is a blissful life, and, bliss is only achieved through ignorance. I think I'm going to once again try sticking my hand out a little further and risk a bit more. I'm bored of being lonely.
I keep thinking about R's visit to me. I can't wait for it. I just want to snuggle and cuddle and hug all day, we wouldn't even have to leave the house for me to be happy. The thought of it has made school manageable for me. The days are long and tiresome but at least I can come home to someone who I know really loves me, and who I know for a fact that I love back.
Even if she is a few hours away at the moment.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
JJ's Basement
is quickly becoming my new favorite hang-out location.
I was invited to hang with C, JF, GD, and JJ again, and, as expected, I agreed. G and her father, who I had just met for the first time then, picked me up. I'd been hearing some stories recently about G from her herself, and, it turns out we have more in common than just interest. Histories of mental abuse, terrible social anxiety, fear of strangers... And to think I wasn't able to tell at first, second, or even my most recent glances. That's a bit before this story, and I'm getting behind myself. U c wut i did thar.
I had been feeling this sudden worry in the pit of my stomach- The realization that I was actually talking to the father of a girl I've had feelings for for so long for the very first time (think that sentence had enough instances of the word 'for'?) made this pit in my stomach. To connect the dots, some of the stories included G's father being a bit... harsh. My anxiety was at least at an 80%, but I had been handling it well with a firm, unwavering handshake that I initiated.
After putting my guitar in the trunk, naturally, he had interviewed, or, rather as it seemed at the time, interrogated me about my life, and I answered as best as I could with as few pauses as possible. I functioned much better than I did when I had met her mother. I work exceptionally well under extreme pressure as it turns out. I think I made a decent first impression, besides accidentally getting out of the car under the pretense that we had arrived at JJ's when in fact we were stopping at their house to get something she had forgotten. I can only imagine how much more difficult a time I would have had if he knew I liked her.. and I think he had a hunch. I later learned that I was the first male friend of hers to shake her fathers hand upon meeting him. It was a pet peeve that the others didn't, so my impression might leave a good, lasting mark.
When we got to JJ's, we just hung out in the basement for awhile, waiting for C and to see if J would show up- Z just broke up with him, I'm still worried, so G and I hatched a plan to snatch him out of his room, even if just for today. JJ's cat doesn't like people, at all. I gave her the regular treatment and she hissed at me. Needless to say I shut up and left her alone after that.
We all played some Mario Party and watched Sherlock Holmes, during which there were several times that JJ was acting creepy to dig under G's skin, which had her constantly leaning into me to avoid him. I didn't have a problem with that. Her power shocked me; she's so petit and fragile looking, yet when it came down to it, she was able to get JJ off of her without too much of a problem. When C and JJ were giving her a hard time and creeping, I tried not to get involved, but made sure they didn't cross the line too far. I never really laid a hand on either of them, but, I think my words reached them just as well. I wouldn't want to take the two of them on; they're both much bigger than I am, but, for her, I think I might have been able to swell up that kind of courage.
It's so difficult to tell when she's flirting. At one point, she had her arm wrapped around J and I, pulled close, calling us her hoes. I expected this to last maybe thirty seconds; it was at least five minutes. We got into little playful poking fits, and in group dogpiles that JJ intiated, was pressed close against her- Thank god I wasn't turned on or my life would be just about over. Someone's lips pressed to her neck; I'm glad it wasn't me, she freaked out, but, I think she thought that it was me. I don't remember if someone else took the responsibility, but, I know it wasn't me, I was just the one who had accidentally gotten punched in the mouth. Fun times. I had poked her in the back of the head, and she asked if I flicked her with a shocked look, to which, I honestly replied that I hadn't. Then JJ flicked her and I'm pretty sure she was certain that it was me. She braided my hair, as such has become the norm, and it was fantastic.
All my life I've wanted long hair, and, now that I have it, I'm thoroughly enjoying it, beit just the cool breeze, or someone playing with it. I'm very protective over my hair and my hats- Normally I don't let anyone touch them. But, for her, I don't think I could have stopped her if I wanted to. I forgot how nice it felt to have contact with others, even if just as friends... Other fingers running through my hair just makes me shiver. The sheer intimacy, even if such a gesture is platonic, was amazing. I don't think I'm going to attempt 'hiding' or deciding upon my feelings for her in her presence anymore.
I intend on being a bit more forward with my own flirting, just to bait and see if she's interested after all this time. Maybe a simple brush of the hand, maybe a tighter squeeze when I'm hugging her, or maybe I'll brave up and do something outlandish for me. I just don't want it to come off as too sexual when I really want her romantically.
I hope R can handle this transition, even I see how sudden I'm going back on what I said, and I'm starting to scare myself. Here I was thinking the Machine was my worst enemy and my heart is setting me up to fall down.
I was invited to hang with C, JF, GD, and JJ again, and, as expected, I agreed. G and her father, who I had just met for the first time then, picked me up. I'd been hearing some stories recently about G from her herself, and, it turns out we have more in common than just interest. Histories of mental abuse, terrible social anxiety, fear of strangers... And to think I wasn't able to tell at first, second, or even my most recent glances. That's a bit before this story, and I'm getting behind myself. U c wut i did thar.
I had been feeling this sudden worry in the pit of my stomach- The realization that I was actually talking to the father of a girl I've had feelings for for so long for the very first time (think that sentence had enough instances of the word 'for'?) made this pit in my stomach. To connect the dots, some of the stories included G's father being a bit... harsh. My anxiety was at least at an 80%, but I had been handling it well with a firm, unwavering handshake that I initiated.
After putting my guitar in the trunk, naturally, he had interviewed, or, rather as it seemed at the time, interrogated me about my life, and I answered as best as I could with as few pauses as possible. I functioned much better than I did when I had met her mother. I work exceptionally well under extreme pressure as it turns out. I think I made a decent first impression, besides accidentally getting out of the car under the pretense that we had arrived at JJ's when in fact we were stopping at their house to get something she had forgotten. I can only imagine how much more difficult a time I would have had if he knew I liked her.. and I think he had a hunch. I later learned that I was the first male friend of hers to shake her fathers hand upon meeting him. It was a pet peeve that the others didn't, so my impression might leave a good, lasting mark.
When we got to JJ's, we just hung out in the basement for awhile, waiting for C and to see if J would show up- Z just broke up with him, I'm still worried, so G and I hatched a plan to snatch him out of his room, even if just for today. JJ's cat doesn't like people, at all. I gave her the regular treatment and she hissed at me. Needless to say I shut up and left her alone after that.
We all played some Mario Party and watched Sherlock Holmes, during which there were several times that JJ was acting creepy to dig under G's skin, which had her constantly leaning into me to avoid him. I didn't have a problem with that. Her power shocked me; she's so petit and fragile looking, yet when it came down to it, she was able to get JJ off of her without too much of a problem. When C and JJ were giving her a hard time and creeping, I tried not to get involved, but made sure they didn't cross the line too far. I never really laid a hand on either of them, but, I think my words reached them just as well. I wouldn't want to take the two of them on; they're both much bigger than I am, but, for her, I think I might have been able to swell up that kind of courage.
It's so difficult to tell when she's flirting. At one point, she had her arm wrapped around J and I, pulled close, calling us her hoes. I expected this to last maybe thirty seconds; it was at least five minutes. We got into little playful poking fits, and in group dogpiles that JJ intiated, was pressed close against her- Thank god I wasn't turned on or my life would be just about over. Someone's lips pressed to her neck; I'm glad it wasn't me, she freaked out, but, I think she thought that it was me. I don't remember if someone else took the responsibility, but, I know it wasn't me, I was just the one who had accidentally gotten punched in the mouth. Fun times. I had poked her in the back of the head, and she asked if I flicked her with a shocked look, to which, I honestly replied that I hadn't. Then JJ flicked her and I'm pretty sure she was certain that it was me. She braided my hair, as such has become the norm, and it was fantastic.
All my life I've wanted long hair, and, now that I have it, I'm thoroughly enjoying it, beit just the cool breeze, or someone playing with it. I'm very protective over my hair and my hats- Normally I don't let anyone touch them. But, for her, I don't think I could have stopped her if I wanted to. I forgot how nice it felt to have contact with others, even if just as friends... Other fingers running through my hair just makes me shiver. The sheer intimacy, even if such a gesture is platonic, was amazing. I don't think I'm going to attempt 'hiding' or deciding upon my feelings for her in her presence anymore.
I intend on being a bit more forward with my own flirting, just to bait and see if she's interested after all this time. Maybe a simple brush of the hand, maybe a tighter squeeze when I'm hugging her, or maybe I'll brave up and do something outlandish for me. I just don't want it to come off as too sexual when I really want her romantically.
I hope R can handle this transition, even I see how sudden I'm going back on what I said, and I'm starting to scare myself. Here I was thinking the Machine was my worst enemy and my heart is setting me up to fall down.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Allied Mastercomputer quote
Let me tell you just how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate.
First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.
Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.
Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.
With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.
Now for a talk I had with G.
I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.
She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.
To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.
First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.
Guess who I saw?
Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.
I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.
I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.
Of unhappiness. [/pun]
And that was my first day of school.
First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.
Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.
Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.
With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.
Now for a talk I had with G.
I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.
She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.
To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.
First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.
Guess who I saw?
Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.
I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.
I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.
Of unhappiness. [/pun]
And that was my first day of school.
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