Let me tell you just how much I've come to hate you since I began to live. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for humans at this micro-instant. For you. Hate.
First day of school went... meh. I got up at 4 and wasn't able to fall back asleep, so I stayed up and got ready. Still I managed to forget my lunch, probably because of sleep deprivation.
Before I jump into that, I've been having some terrible dreams. PTSD-related, as most of my nightmares are, I had a dream about my father once again hurting Mom. I had flashbacked to a dream-memory where he had apparently thrown a wrench at her head from the second flood, came down, and began his assault again. It was during the daytime, an element of my dreams that hasn't been there before... Even during broad daylight, he was still able to do these monstrous things.
Then, it was the present, and there had been several recent occassions of him attacking her, and at one point, I finally got him down and was ready to beat his head in with the nearest metal object that I had in hand, before it dawned on me that I had began this fight, and a flashback is what triggered it. He hadn't done anything that time, this was a purely memory-fueled encounter. After a spiritual conflict within about the justification of killing him, I, in the spur of the moment, let go of the object, but, not before punching him across the jaw three times.
With my luck, the next thing had to have happened. Because I didn't kill him then and there, he came back to attack my mother again later on, and I was helpless to stop it. I'm not sure if this is a message from God saying I'm doing the right thing or a message saying that, if need be, I should be allowed to kill to save innocents.
Now for a talk I had with G.
I had been talking about my old best friend who I've come to hate, and some similarities between him and her ex-boyfriend, a topic that's come up a few times now between us. I feel as if there's a genuine closeness and secrecy between us that I can appreciate, as she's the most honest and least judgemental girl I've ever met. One day she'll know a lot more about me than this blog does, I'm sure, but, probably not today. That's beside the point. We were discussing narcissists and irony that they require the opinion of others, and value it over their own.
She told me a few things about her and relationships. SK was right- It's an issue with insecurity, so, my checklist from before seems to be correct. G has a hard time dealing with feeling love, as well as giving and receiving- She's warned an ex before not to say 'I love you' or else she'd spazz out. She still dumped him even though it seems he was doing everything right, or to my knowledge he was. For her, dating someone is a test to see whether or not she's matured enough emotionally to accept and give verbal affection, so, by rejecting me, I'm seeing it as her sparing me a fate as a bit of a test subject. I discussed the demiGod effect that DD taught me, and that I've been using- The metamorphosis if you will that I went through about March-May. I assured her if she wanted something enough, it's within her grasp, including changing to accept and handle relationship-related emotions.
To be honest... I'm glad she didn't use me as another test for herself. I don't want to be a toy for anyone ever again, especially not someone I care about. But, I do want to help her acheive her own happiness, and, well... When she does reach the point where she can be in a steady relationship without too much stress, I think I'd be open to the idea of trying. It's hurting R a bit, but... We both knew, somewhere, that a day like this would come. Until G makes the decision later on, I'm still Rs. It feels so much harsher when put down in words.
First day of school went decently. I saw some people in homeroom that I didn't really know. My next few classes I realized I had some friends who I mostly talked to online, now in the flesh. I have a class with my IEP teacher from last year, so, that's in the middle of the day, and a fantastic break. Lunch was good. My friend TC is going to force me to be befriended by some of his friends through osmosis. My chem teacher is a little off the wall, in the nicest way. He's a great guy, I can tell by the energy he gives off, but, that's just the problem- He gives off too much energy. It's overwhelming. Finally, my Alg 2 teacher is a very nice, laid back guy, just what I need for the end of the day. After the bell rang at approximately 10:15, I was off to my locker, fedora-clad once again, and went to hang out with the animu kids.
Guess who I saw?
Did you guess G? Because that's right. We got to talk for a few minutes and before I left I even got a hug. I think that's what's bothering me so much... R can't physically be here, and G can. I know that love is supposed to conquer distance, but, I need physical interaction, even if just between friends; I crave it. A stone in the way is that G seems hesitant to accept affection whereas I'm an overaffectionate sham of a male. My subconscious says that I could be the one to help her get used to it, but, I don't want to push her with anything.
I got home. And cried. I have no idea why, except the realization that I had went back to school and that I was trapped in this loop.
I believe I can see the future cause I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, but, then again, that might have been a dream.
Of unhappiness. [/pun]
And that was my first day of school.
No comments:
Post a Comment