Sorry, it's been a busy weekend. Where do I start?
Thursday... My mom was fine. Her phone was being screwy. She wasn't mad at me, we got over that really fast. Don't remember too much more.
Friday I was picked up by my aunt, uncle, and cousin. They all seemed really distant. They're always been distant though. We got to my grandmothers house, everyone was upset. My grandfathers daughter showed up for dinner. It was pea soup, mashed potatoes, and pork. Had to deal with dysfunction from my Aunt's superiority issue and my mothers inability to let a situation go when she feels she's right (which she usually is). I went to bed early. Couldn't sleep for half an hour, even on my meds, cause my aunt wouldn't shut the fuck up. She gets so loud when she's drunk.
Saturday. The big funeral day. Everyone was rushing everyone, even though we were all ready ten minutes earlier, each going at our paces. If my Aunt and Uncle weren't such control freaks, life would be much easier. But, of course, I can't have an easier life. I feel that if there is a cosmic force at work, it expects much more of me than I think I have available. I'm a firm Christian but sometimes I feel like God's expecting me to do a miracle by myself. It's a trial, of course, but I'm starting to grow sick of it. After tons of my aunt and uncle rushing my mother- Which, by the way, is extremely low, she's on two canes yet they ask her to run marathons-, and me assuring her that her hair was fine, we got going. Sometimes I think her self image is as poor as mine, but, hers is just unreasonable.
We got there soon and I helped stock the booze into the Church... I really hate alcohol. A lot. I felt as if I was single handedly feeding their addictions. I couldn't put the labor on anyone else, being how self-centered I am. That was a joke. Don't know if it went well over text. After being mistaken for a girl, greeted the guests, was a shoulder to cry on for my grandmother, and asked in futility if I could help downstairs, the event itself began.
There were some passages from Job, some about everlasting life and resurrection through Christ, some speeches that really hit the nail on the head about my grandfather. It brought a tear to my eye to see how many lives he impacted and how hard the impact was on all of us. It was overall a beautiful event. There was no corpse, just his urn- He was cremated. That puzzles me. I always thought he wanted to be buried with his son and wife. I thought incorrectly.
Shit proceeded to hit the fan in my mind when as soon as we got downstairs, the first thing that came out of my aunt's mouth was 'Oh boy, it's finally warm.' I should probably provide some history of my aunt. She's a British, cold control freak who thinks she is the most intelligent human being in our family who we only deal with out of obligation because she married into us. No one really likes her, I'm pretty sure her husband gets sick of her, too, but, no one wants to 'hurt her feelings.' If she has any. I admire her intellect, but, she gets on my nerves, a lot. She yelled at me the night after my uncle (the one who wasn't married to her) committed suicide for crying for my mom. I was ten. I've always been kind of bitter after that. She's indirectly called me stupid for believing in God, indirectly said there's nothing wrong with me and that all of my problems are just planted by my mother, and that if I fail in life, it's obviously my mother's fault. I'm very close with my mother and I really want to punch her in the face every time she says a mean word to her. We've gone through enough abuse as is, the next time she says something, I may just explain to her what PTSD is, if she doesn't already, and tell her to fuck off instead of treating us like crap for her own insecurity.
I had to bite back my tongue. I think God would have been proud of me if that was the trial. Not sure, could just be a coincidence. Some people think it's one and the same. I got to talk to the reverend of the Hungarian Reformed Evangelist Church about some religious topics. I enjoy the company of evangelists. They're the most spiritually friendly people I've met. I love feeling the vibes they give off when just talking about God and existence. He gave me his email, I'm gonna take him up on the offer to talk again some time. He was a very good friend of my uncles before he passed on. I really would like to hear some of the things he knew about my uncle. There was so much I never heard about until after he died. I can't imagine the philosophical talks they had, or my uncles views on it. I'm giddier than a kid in a candy store.
Today I did absolutely nothing. Well, yesterday. I started working on a Team Fortress 2 map. It's not very far in the making yet. Now it's five AM and I have two hours till I have to be up and get ready for school. I don't know if I'm going to sleep. If I do, I'm probably not going to school. If I don't, I'll probably fall asleep at lunch.
Also, Nheat, no moar mad at me? I'm sorry.
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