Took our cues by the side of the road

And took billboard as signs that cast an omniscient shadow that by design seemed to imply co-operation. Yeah, well, I'm trying to find the words to say, this doesn't represent us. We poured over maps and it dawned on me, that this is war. This is war. We hadn't cast the first stone. Their tactics had been subtle. No one around even knew they were in battle, but, it was war. No one wants to think in black and white, but the decision had been made for me, as though a matter of instinct, and made against my will: co-operation, and it had dawned on me that this is war, and that we might have to choose sides.

This was war.

This is War - Spoonboy


Things have been okay recently. I haven't had much to blog about, both a blessing and a curse, 'til today. I discovered a new band today who I quoted. I want to say they're folk punk, but, it's more like just folk. I've been listening to this track over and over, realizing just how true it really is. We're in this constant war against ourselves and others, and, to quote Nine Inch Nails again...

"As far as I have gone, I knew what side I'm on. Now? I'm not so sure... The line begins to blur."

I want to say I'm against this damned Machine, just by some thoughts. Killing myself seems far too painful now then when I was depressed. I actually found myself saying today that I don't think I'd ever throw myself in front of a train even though just a few months ago I forced myself to steer away from the tracks. Still, I'm a victim of habit and old tendency, and I don't feel quite as if I'm completely agains the Machine. Either that or our conscious is becoming one again, which I'm deathly afraid of.

It makes sense, though. I hadn't been documenting the Machine's output since my gap from my last blog post. I have nothing to seperate my own thoughts from.

I'm a bit ticked at R. I won't be for long, but, it feels as if lately she just doesn't want to talk to me, and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but, it feels as if she's jumping through the loopholes that are my patience and passivity. Things like "we'll talk later" end up meaning "we won't talk today." Maybe she's not aware she does it, but, it's digging at me, because I truly believe that later just means later, and that in a bit means in a bit. You're setting yourself up to fall down.

I missed my counselors appointment today. I don't want to feel anything at all and I've been learning to let numbness and happiness co-exist. Only feeling the feelings I want to feel, positive thinking, all that mumbo jumbo. I was afraid that seeing him might unleashe some of the feelings I've been trying to water down using this amazing new control over numbness.

I've been invited to go bowling with NP and GD, a girl who I think likes me, and the girl I used to like not too long ago, respectively. I'm not sure I want to go due to some tensed conditions but I'll at least attempt to attempt at going.

It would be nice to cry right now... Maybe I'll stop the emotional lidocaine for just a few minutes.

Third chance

Bullet points

Because my memory is blurry and I don't remember what happened.

. R had been tired all day.
. R didn't sleep despite my asking to due to family situations.
. R wants to sleep, we go on camera for a bit
. Baby pictures are shown
. I go through emotional breakdown at seeing pictures of my father and mother
. She ragequits halfway through a depressive episode (for which I'm not mad)
. She texts me a bit
. Ambien begins to kick in
. Still depressive episode
. She says she wants to sleep
. I respond with 'Whatev' as in 'okay'
. She takes it as 'Too bad'
. She's mad at me for that
. We talked on the phone
. I assure I wasn't mad and was trying not to be insensitive and just let her sleep
. Ambien wears off, memory is blurry as fuck

I'll have her fill in the gaps I may have missed due to my medication.

All the jagged edges disappear

Colors all the brighter when you're near
The stars are all the fire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could die

All The Love in the World - Nine Inch Nails


I told Mom just about everything, if not more, than what I've shared on this blog. Her first question, much to my amaze, was "When is she going to visit you?" I don't believe how well this went over. I feel like for once, my prayers were directly answered.

We got to talking about her for a bit, and, I think my mother could tell just how much I cared about and love her. My mother said she'd have no problem whatsoever with her staying with us whenever she was around. It's such a relief, as if all this pressure on my chest is just gone.

The only bad side to this is that R is a little hesitant to visit now. I got super excited, possibly the happiest I've been all year, when my mom accepted that I liked her and approved of me continuing to seek a relationship. Naturally, anyone witnessing this, even if just by a phonecall, would be a little freaked out. I think she jumped to the conclusion that if she visits, it will automatically ensnare her in some trap of a relationship. While that would be nice, (the relationship, not the ensnaring) I'm still planning to give her all the space she needs. If she decides during the visit, then, sobeit. I still may get to see my best friend visit me two years earlier than expected, possibly even this October. Mayhaps, damn me for using that word, even for our birthdays. For that I'm overjoyed.

I don't think I can go to AWA to meet up there, but, my mother -did- mention possibly shipping me down... I don't know what to think. I'll have to ask R about it and what she thinks.

Today is a great day.

I hate using internet explorer

But, for whatever reason, it's the only thing that will publish my posts on this site, because Chrome just herp derps and decides it's going to erase my entire post and just show the title. Apparently, I'm not the only one this is happening to. Just when you think you have the perfect browser. Fuck.

Fuck shit stack. Fuck shit stack. I don't mention it a lot, but, the amount of cursing that goes on in this town is ridiculous to the point where the most passionate person just becomes hilarious. Don't get me wrong, I'm a complete pottymouth, but, I don't go all Noah Maxwell on the topic at hand.

More people have managed to get pregnant. It's fucking annoying. I'm starting to side with R about not wanting to have children. They're pests and they get in the way and will just slow down my life.

Three paragraphs in before I mentioned her, that's a new one. We've been having some space lately, in that she's been on vacation since Wednesday, so we've only been texting and calling before bed and what not. I feel bad for saying it, but, I'm glad she took this break, it means I got all of the attention and S got none... for the most part. He made a new twitter account or something and I stumbled upon it which had me really down and jealous for a long time.

Then we talked on the phone for hours, again... It's just so refreshing. You think talking to someone would get boring after awhile, but, it never does. Everything is always interesting, and, if things get too stagnant, I think I've done a good enough job at keeping things well diversed. She makes me so happy. I'm still really afraid that I'm going to lose her, but, I prayed for a bit yesterday, which I'm getting back into the habit of doing, and, it seems as if everything's working out for the best. We discussed her visiting, maybe sometime in October or November. The only problem with this is that I need to explain the situation to my mother so that she could stay with us.

My mom's normally really chilled out about things, considering, unlike many other teenagers, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't steal, I don't lie, I don't break curfew and I don't have sex. But, somehow, saying "I'm in love with a 19 year old from Arkansas and I'd like if she could stay with us sometime soon" doesn't sound like it would end well. I think I'm going to have to separate the two sentences into "I'm in love with a girl from Arkansas" "She's 19" and maybe in a few weeks from now, "Do you think it'd be okay if she stayed with us for a weekend or a week or so?" I think my mom would trust her after she got to know her, but, the initial thoughts may not be too positive for her. I'm going to have to tell my mother soon. I just don't know when. Right now, an ex of hers is staying with us for the day. We were going to go to Musikfest but that never happened. I'm hoping he leaves soon... The sooner he's gone, the sooner I can try and explain what's going on between R and I.

Keyword here is try.

The Unbecoming

It won't give up,
It wants me dead.
GOD DAMN this noise inside my head.

The Becoming - Nine Inch Nails


I feel the process starting all over again. The Machine is awake and it isn't happy. It probably isn't helping that I'm listening to the Downward Spiral, but, right now, I feel like it's the only thing I can associate myself with. I know somewhere deep down that I have to stop this myself, by myself, for myself. I have to unbecome the Machine and I don't know where to start. Everytime I go to unplug it I get electrocuted and one of these times the wattage will kill me.

I feel very ignored and very alone lately. Which doesn't make sense- I'm getting almost all of R's attention, as well as many other peoples. Keyword here being most... I know it's selfish, I know it's wrong, but, I want all of the attention on me, just for a little while, and, everytime it seems that I have it all on me, something that throws me off. I wouldn't mind sharing attention with other people if they.. were different people.

I don't want to share R with S. I don't at all. It's not about wanting her all to myself, it's about wanting me all to her. I'd like more attention, and I vocalize it, but, she seems to think that it's only during the times where I mention it, but, then again, who can blame her? Common mistake, really.

I've been a little jealous about some stuff, feeling as if my thoughts or emotions are somehow worth less than those of others, even though I have no evidence besides what she seems to tell me. In example, she's told me about the riots, and I felt shitty because of how my suicidal thoughts were seemingly nothing compared to the danger S may or may not have been in. I've also learned that one of the children she's babysitting has PTSD as well, and I heard how sad she was to hear that and to hear about that experience. I know more than anyone that PTSD isn't a competition, but, I sometimes wish she'd share with me if she felt bad about my experiences, even if I seem to shut them away... Maybe she just thinks it's better to stay silent, but, I'm not sure whether or not it is.
tl;dr need more attention, feeling worthless

But, not tonight. Tonight I feel on top of the world. I was a bit down because I wouldn't be able to skype or call her tonight (she's at a hotel), but, she managed to sneak a call in anyway. She was really homesick and stressed out about the kids, so I got a chance to comfort her, and, in doing so, comfort myself. Taking care of others really makes me feel better about myself, especially when its someone I love so much like her. Being a provider feels good... Who would have thought it? Now, we're just texting each other until she can fall asleep. It feels nice to feel alive.

I also made some bitching cookies with oreos in the middle. Feels good, man.

I will go down with this ship

I know I've left too much mess and destruction to come back again.
I cause nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again.
If you live by the rules of "it's over," then, I'm sure that that makes sense.

White Flag - Dido


R explained to me the other day why she didn't exactly want either of us right now. I completely forgot about how much the move was hurting her until the day she mentioned how homesick she was on account of her friend from Georgia temporarily came back from Japan... She doesn't need the stress of a boyfriend right now, just a friend in general, and, well, that's what I'm here for. I can't hold that against her, especially not in such a delicate time as now. But, I don't think that much matters right now, seeing as I'm pretty sure I just pissed her off to the maximum.

There's been some rioting going on in England that started over a peaceful protest over police brutality that whirlwinded its way into car fires and buildings being burned to the ground. Now, the rioteers have completely forgotten and are destroying everything for the sake of destruction. When the Sex Pistols mentioned Anarchy in the UK, I never thought imagined it could be this bad. There are still fucktards who are supporting this kind of behavior and it disgusts me.

How does this link to us? Well, I'll tell you, loyal reader. If you recall, 'S' is from England- he was specifically near Burmingham where there have also been some rioting. It started in London and spread like wildfire. I did my best to keep my promise as a friend and talk her through it, telling her it would be okay and doing everything in my power to try and make her feel better. Even though we had planned on turning in earlier for the next few days (because both of us were sleeping too late), we were up and talked until about two thirty or three until she was finally ready to sleep. That night, even though I didn't really want to, I told her I would message S to check up on him for her while she slept so she could rest easy and wake up to some good news.

The message went over... well, from my end. I kindly informed that I was checking up on him for R, wished him the best, and hoped things got better. He replied in a polite manner, but.. I just.. can't shake this feeling at how cold it would have sounded. He essentially said, "oh, the riots are no big deal, I'm far away from them" (which is what I had been telling R from the beginning...). The sentence was something like:

The rioting probably won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town.

Now, this is what I read from that:

The rioting won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town for mass hysteria to affect it. But, yeah, all those feelings that R had last night, and the stress the two of you went through? No big deal. There's nothing to be worried about and you look like an idiot for checking on me.

It didn't help that he made a joke about cars being smashed along with people, which left a sour taste in my mouth for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep, worried sick about what R would have to go through emotionally under the circumstance that something were to happen to S. He finally messaged me hours later to confirm he had gotten to the air port alright and to tell her he was safe. With that, R got to wake up to some happy news, and it made the whole situation worth it.

I've been having some thoughts of death recently, for the past few weeks or so. I intend on documenting them in another blog I'll make when this post is done. R only learned of them a few nights ago, but, I felt like as soon as these riots happened, she completely forgot about what I was going through to worry about something that might not even effect any of her friends. This didn't help me feel any better, if that wasn't obvious. I know I shouldn't really be an attentionwhore or use my depression as an excuse to try and grasp for attention, but, right now, I'm a very fragile being, and I need a lot of reminders to keep me on top of my depression. Needless to say, her worrying about someone who I'm in competition with for her heart while I'm sitting in the corner considering how they would play out if I just disappeared off of the face of the world does not a good combination make.

For the first few hours, I expressed my needs, and things were okay when she comforted me and reminded me that everything would be okay, and that things do in fact get better. We even linked to a kind of hilarious story about Jesus of Nazareth killing a child who bumped into him on a trip to the market to remind me that the best people aren't entirely innocent.

Then, she relayed a bit that really didn't do my mind good. Apparently, even though I had forced myself to bite my tongue and attempt to be civil with someone who I dislike intensely, and took time out to work towards a bigger goal- Giving her peace of mind-, he didn't even MENTION that someone had checked in on him for her. Another complete disregarding of her feelings... Or at least that's what it felt like.

Then we got into a bit of an argument where I told her about how sore I was over the conversation last night, and that I wasn't okay with that it seemed to completely ignore her feelings about the riots. I realize I'm overreacting a little, but, I also feel that she's underreacting and once again excusing his behavior just because he's him. I honestly don't think I'd get the same amount of slack that she appears to give him, and, everytime I do fuck up, I do my best to fix it. I don't just keep making strings of mistakes without thinking about what's going on and doing my best to avoid future problems. I just happen to be incredibly stupid, selfish, and end up making new mistakes constantly.

She had to leave to go somewhere with the family... She said she was bleeding and not to talk to her. At first I assumed that this meant I had driven a bad habit of hers, digging her nails into her skin, to a new level... She told me before that she hadn't drawn blood or anything when she digs at it, even though I've still complained about her causing any kind of pain to herself, even out of nervousness. I just about wanted to kill myself then for knowing I've become exactly the thing it is that I can't stand and swore I would never be. I confirmed that it was... another reason, a reason women will sometimes bleed say about once a month over that I had completely forgotten. For whatever reason I never associate those two types of blood with one another...

I probably shouldn't talk to her for another two hours or so, and, I think I need to work on my summer reading... Time to take a break from emotional weariness and dive into some good ol' Ender's Game.

I'd do anything to fix this. I just hope she can talk to me later on... and if she doesn't want to, that's fine.

I listened to the words he'd say

But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and grey
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear, it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away

The Day the World Went Away - NIN


R and I got into a fight earlier because of my misinterpretation that mid-February, she would decide if she wanted a relationship as a definite day of celebration. I somehow took it as "if you wait this long, things will work out, just wait." I became upset because what I thought would be a holiday is now a day of reckoning. I felt as if I was being led on for just a fucking 'maybe.'

Although it was an argument, we got a few things clear, and she told me a few things that are better off spoken than left up in the air. It's a lot easier for me to accept that they used to be intimate before the two of us got close and before he got together with his girlfriend at the time than should it have been introduced months later. Things make more sense, why her feelings are so strong, but... I'm not mad at her for it, how can I be? What she did with her partner at the time is her business, not mine. I am, however, infuriated by the thought that he not only was intimate with her, but, refused a relationship, even though she's desperately wanted one since the beginning. There are consequences of what we do, and, out of respect for her, he could have at least gave her a relationship. Instead, no, he treats her like a one night stand after a "heat of the moment" incident, promptly says 'tough shit,' gets a girlfriend, and just leaves her there by herself. Then, this girl cheats on him (which I think he probably deserved), so he's left with R again. This bastard is so fucking lucky. No matter what he does, his web of fuck ups is so perfect, he can't do anything too wrong, and she keeps crawling back for more of him, waiting for him to change. And the worst part? He has changed.

Two days before the testdrive, he admitted he loved her- About fucking time-, so, now, being occupied with this isn't helping her, and the two weeks are making it seem as if she's ignoring him because she won't flirt back (additional thought... if you don't flirt back, so someone thinks you're ignoring them, what exactly does that tell you about the foundation of that relationship...?) Now, here's where I get upset. She doesn't want to tell him about the two weeks because he said it so close to the time when R said she was comfortable with the test drive. This infuriated me because I had been telling her for two months how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her, despite anything else. Somehow, two days of him turning around and deciding he had the balls to say he loved her, you know, after getting that chance at her months before and not taking it, somehow equalizes two solid months of me doing everything I could to support her while trying to express my love and my care and get along with him. It's not fair. Nothing I do seems to compare up to him.

Then she let me know that beforehand, she told him that even if she can't have him now, she won't really be looking for anyone else. This makes me upset, because, she said from the beginning, I had a chance, when it seems that I never seemed to do. It also bothers me because this entire test drive sounds like a lie if they said they weren't going to go after anyone else. I'm hoping she can explain this to him now, I don't want it coming up later after its gathered more weight. Maybe, just, maybe, that'll make the last few days of this test easier... For everyone.

Later on, I called her, being too upset to even type. We cried some things through, and it seems that things are calm. We talked on skype and she wasn't in the best mood, so after a bit of consoling, being told that we need to take a break from some of our intimacy, and guitar, she went to sleep, and I realized something: She isn't just someone I love, she's my refuge. Hopefully when she wakes up, she'll be in a better mood, and we'll watch the new TribeTwelve together.

I don't like putting this kind of responsibility on one person, but, luckily, I'm going to dismiss that. She's my refuge from my depression. My sanctuary. My safehaven. She is the warm place I can go to when I feel low. I'm desperately afraid of S taking away that safe place that I've grown to love and care for so much. She's so much more than a place, she's my everything. Without her, I wouldn't be much different, but, with her, I'm so much more. She's nothing but an addition to my life, and a great one at that.

For her, I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd borrow just to get fare to visit her to comfort her when she's upset, like tonight. It goes against my entire moral standing, but, for her, anything. I just want to see her happy. Hell, I'd even say that I would want her to have a chance with S to be happy, even if it meant giving up what I feel. If Option 4 could become Option 2, I'd give it to her in a heartbeat. As long as I get to keep my warm place, my cute little R.

I just want everyone to be happy. Bedtime.

So, turns out, GD and RL not only broke up- They broke up because RL wanted to explore his sexuality. Now, I realize I have no room to speak, but...

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It sucks to be her. GD is a very attractive young woman- Anyone who even second guesses their sexuality while being with her -must- be gay. So, also, not only did he break up with her because he's a homosexual, he did it by text message. Points to you, RL.

Here's the best part: She -still- wants to get back together with him, and she acknowledges that it's a stupid idea to want to, so, I got the answer to my previous post: She was, and is, being irrational. I am so happy I moved on past her. I couldn't be any happier than with R. Well, I could be, but, that has to wait till February. So, I'm happy as I can be at the current moment. On a less positive note, these two weeks are going by horribly fast... I don't want them to end.

While I work on the script for my Operator-related series, a good friend of mine, AJ, who I've known for roughly four years via the internet, and I are going to be working on a small Team Fortress 2 creepypasta based around a video of an annoying kid. This kid wasn't just annoying. We both believe him to be devilspawn and I'm talking to the person who recorded him at the moment. Need to get back to that.