The Unbecoming

It won't give up,
It wants me dead.
GOD DAMN this noise inside my head.

The Becoming - Nine Inch Nails


I feel the process starting all over again. The Machine is awake and it isn't happy. It probably isn't helping that I'm listening to the Downward Spiral, but, right now, I feel like it's the only thing I can associate myself with. I know somewhere deep down that I have to stop this myself, by myself, for myself. I have to unbecome the Machine and I don't know where to start. Everytime I go to unplug it I get electrocuted and one of these times the wattage will kill me.

I feel very ignored and very alone lately. Which doesn't make sense- I'm getting almost all of R's attention, as well as many other peoples. Keyword here being most... I know it's selfish, I know it's wrong, but, I want all of the attention on me, just for a little while, and, everytime it seems that I have it all on me, something that throws me off. I wouldn't mind sharing attention with other people if they.. were different people.

I don't want to share R with S. I don't at all. It's not about wanting her all to myself, it's about wanting me all to her. I'd like more attention, and I vocalize it, but, she seems to think that it's only during the times where I mention it, but, then again, who can blame her? Common mistake, really.

I've been a little jealous about some stuff, feeling as if my thoughts or emotions are somehow worth less than those of others, even though I have no evidence besides what she seems to tell me. In example, she's told me about the riots, and I felt shitty because of how my suicidal thoughts were seemingly nothing compared to the danger S may or may not have been in. I've also learned that one of the children she's babysitting has PTSD as well, and I heard how sad she was to hear that and to hear about that experience. I know more than anyone that PTSD isn't a competition, but, I sometimes wish she'd share with me if she felt bad about my experiences, even if I seem to shut them away... Maybe she just thinks it's better to stay silent, but, I'm not sure whether or not it is.
tl;dr need more attention, feeling worthless

But, not tonight. Tonight I feel on top of the world. I was a bit down because I wouldn't be able to skype or call her tonight (she's at a hotel), but, she managed to sneak a call in anyway. She was really homesick and stressed out about the kids, so I got a chance to comfort her, and, in doing so, comfort myself. Taking care of others really makes me feel better about myself, especially when its someone I love so much like her. Being a provider feels good... Who would have thought it? Now, we're just texting each other until she can fall asleep. It feels nice to feel alive.

I also made some bitching cookies with oreos in the middle. Feels good, man.