But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and grey
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear, it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away
The Day the World Went Away - NIN
R and I got into a fight earlier because of my misinterpretation that mid-February, she would decide if she wanted a relationship as a definite day of celebration. I somehow took it as "if you wait this long, things will work out, just wait." I became upset because what I thought would be a holiday is now a day of reckoning. I felt as if I was being led on for just a fucking 'maybe.'
Although it was an argument, we got a few things clear, and she told me a few things that are better off spoken than left up in the air. It's a lot easier for me to accept that they used to be intimate before the two of us got close and before he got together with his girlfriend at the time than should it have been introduced months later. Things make more sense, why her feelings are so strong, but... I'm not mad at her for it, how can I be? What she did with her partner at the time is her business, not mine. I am, however, infuriated by the thought that he not only was intimate with her, but, refused a relationship, even though she's desperately wanted one since the beginning. There are consequences of what we do, and, out of respect for her, he could have at least gave her a relationship. Instead, no, he treats her like a one night stand after a "heat of the moment" incident, promptly says 'tough shit,' gets a girlfriend, and just leaves her there by herself. Then, this girl cheats on him (which I think he probably deserved), so he's left with R again. This bastard is so fucking lucky. No matter what he does, his web of fuck ups is so perfect, he can't do anything too wrong, and she keeps crawling back for more of him, waiting for him to change. And the worst part? He has changed.
Two days before the testdrive, he admitted he loved her- About fucking time-, so, now, being occupied with this isn't helping her, and the two weeks are making it seem as if she's ignoring him because she won't flirt back (additional thought... if you don't flirt back, so someone thinks you're ignoring them, what exactly does that tell you about the foundation of that relationship...?) Now, here's where I get upset. She doesn't want to tell him about the two weeks because he said it so close to the time when R said she was comfortable with the test drive. This infuriated me because I had been telling her for two months how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her, despite anything else. Somehow, two days of him turning around and deciding he had the balls to say he loved her, you know, after getting that chance at her months before and not taking it, somehow equalizes two solid months of me doing everything I could to support her while trying to express my love and my care and get along with him. It's not fair. Nothing I do seems to compare up to him.
Then she let me know that beforehand, she told him that even if she can't have him now, she won't really be looking for anyone else. This makes me upset, because, she said from the beginning, I had a chance, when it seems that I never seemed to do. It also bothers me because this entire test drive sounds like a lie if they said they weren't going to go after anyone else. I'm hoping she can explain this to him now, I don't want it coming up later after its gathered more weight. Maybe, just, maybe, that'll make the last few days of this test easier... For everyone.
Later on, I called her, being too upset to even type. We cried some things through, and it seems that things are calm. We talked on skype and she wasn't in the best mood, so after a bit of consoling, being told that we need to take a break from some of our intimacy, and guitar, she went to sleep, and I realized something: She isn't just someone I love, she's my refuge. Hopefully when she wakes up, she'll be in a better mood, and we'll watch the new TribeTwelve together.
I don't like putting this kind of responsibility on one person, but, luckily, I'm going to dismiss that. She's my refuge from my depression. My sanctuary. My safehaven. She is the warm place I can go to when I feel low. I'm desperately afraid of S taking away that safe place that I've grown to love and care for so much. She's so much more than a place, she's my everything. Without her, I wouldn't be much different, but, with her, I'm so much more. She's nothing but an addition to my life, and a great one at that.
For her, I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd borrow just to get fare to visit her to comfort her when she's upset, like tonight. It goes against my entire moral standing, but, for her, anything. I just want to see her happy. Hell, I'd even say that I would want her to have a chance with S to be happy, even if it meant giving up what I feel. If Option 4 could become Option 2, I'd give it to her in a heartbeat. As long as I get to keep my warm place, my cute little R.
I just want everyone to be happy. Bedtime.
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