I know I've left too much mess and destruction to come back again.
I cause nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again.
If you live by the rules of "it's over," then, I'm sure that that makes sense.
White Flag - Dido
R explained to me the other day why she didn't exactly want either of us right now. I completely forgot about how much the move was hurting her until the day she mentioned how homesick she was on account of her friend from Georgia temporarily came back from Japan... She doesn't need the stress of a boyfriend right now, just a friend in general, and, well, that's what I'm here for. I can't hold that against her, especially not in such a delicate time as now. But, I don't think that much matters right now, seeing as I'm pretty sure I just pissed her off to the maximum.
There's been some rioting going on in England that started over a peaceful protest over police brutality that whirlwinded its way into car fires and buildings being burned to the ground. Now, the rioteers have completely forgotten and are destroying everything for the sake of destruction. When the Sex Pistols mentioned Anarchy in the UK, I never thought imagined it could be this bad. There are still fucktards who are supporting this kind of behavior and it disgusts me.
How does this link to us? Well, I'll tell you, loyal reader. If you recall, 'S' is from England- he was specifically near Burmingham where there have also been some rioting. It started in London and spread like wildfire. I did my best to keep my promise as a friend and talk her through it, telling her it would be okay and doing everything in my power to try and make her feel better. Even though we had planned on turning in earlier for the next few days (because both of us were sleeping too late), we were up and talked until about two thirty or three until she was finally ready to sleep. That night, even though I didn't really want to, I told her I would message S to check up on him for her while she slept so she could rest easy and wake up to some good news.
The message went over... well, from my end. I kindly informed that I was checking up on him for R, wished him the best, and hoped things got better. He replied in a polite manner, but.. I just.. can't shake this feeling at how cold it would have sounded. He essentially said, "oh, the riots are no big deal, I'm far away from them" (which is what I had been telling R from the beginning...). The sentence was something like:
The rioting probably won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town.
Now, this is what I read from that:
The rioting won't be coming to [REDACTED]- it's too unimportant a town for mass hysteria to affect it. But, yeah, all those feelings that R had last night, and the stress the two of you went through? No big deal. There's nothing to be worried about and you look like an idiot for checking on me.
It didn't help that he made a joke about cars being smashed along with people, which left a sour taste in my mouth for the rest of the night until I finally fell asleep, worried sick about what R would have to go through emotionally under the circumstance that something were to happen to S. He finally messaged me hours later to confirm he had gotten to the air port alright and to tell her he was safe. With that, R got to wake up to some happy news, and it made the whole situation worth it.
I've been having some thoughts of death recently, for the past few weeks or so. I intend on documenting them in another blog I'll make when this post is done. R only learned of them a few nights ago, but, I felt like as soon as these riots happened, she completely forgot about what I was going through to worry about something that might not even effect any of her friends. This didn't help me feel any better, if that wasn't obvious. I know I shouldn't really be an attentionwhore or use my depression as an excuse to try and grasp for attention, but, right now, I'm a very fragile being, and I need a lot of reminders to keep me on top of my depression. Needless to say, her worrying about someone who I'm in competition with for her heart while I'm sitting in the corner considering how they would play out if I just disappeared off of the face of the world does not a good combination make.
For the first few hours, I expressed my needs, and things were okay when she comforted me and reminded me that everything would be okay, and that things do in fact get better. We even linked to a kind of hilarious story about Jesus of Nazareth killing a child who bumped into him on a trip to the market to remind me that the best people aren't entirely innocent.
Then, she relayed a bit that really didn't do my mind good. Apparently, even though I had forced myself to bite my tongue and attempt to be civil with someone who I dislike intensely, and took time out to work towards a bigger goal- Giving her peace of mind-, he didn't even MENTION that someone had checked in on him for her. Another complete disregarding of her feelings... Or at least that's what it felt like.
Then we got into a bit of an argument where I told her about how sore I was over the conversation last night, and that I wasn't okay with that it seemed to completely ignore her feelings about the riots. I realize I'm overreacting a little, but, I also feel that she's underreacting and once again excusing his behavior just because he's him. I honestly don't think I'd get the same amount of slack that she appears to give him, and, everytime I do fuck up, I do my best to fix it. I don't just keep making strings of mistakes without thinking about what's going on and doing my best to avoid future problems. I just happen to be incredibly stupid, selfish, and end up making new mistakes constantly.
She had to leave to go somewhere with the family... She said she was bleeding and not to talk to her. At first I assumed that this meant I had driven a bad habit of hers, digging her nails into her skin, to a new level... She told me before that she hadn't drawn blood or anything when she digs at it, even though I've still complained about her causing any kind of pain to herself, even out of nervousness. I just about wanted to kill myself then for knowing I've become exactly the thing it is that I can't stand and swore I would never be. I confirmed that it was... another reason, a reason women will sometimes bleed say about once a month over that I had completely forgotten. For whatever reason I never associate those two types of blood with one another...
I probably shouldn't talk to her for another two hours or so, and, I think I need to work on my summer reading... Time to take a break from emotional weariness and dive into some good ol' Ender's Game.
I'd do anything to fix this. I just hope she can talk to me later on... and if she doesn't want to, that's fine.
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