And took billboard as signs that cast an omniscient shadow that by design seemed to imply co-operation. Yeah, well, I'm trying to find the words to say, this doesn't represent us. We poured over maps and it dawned on me, that this is war. This is war. We hadn't cast the first stone. Their tactics had been subtle. No one around even knew they were in battle, but, it was war. No one wants to think in black and white, but the decision had been made for me, as though a matter of instinct, and made against my will: co-operation, and it had dawned on me that this is war, and that we might have to choose sides.
This was war.
This is War - Spoonboy
Things have been okay recently. I haven't had much to blog about, both a blessing and a curse, 'til today. I discovered a new band today who I quoted. I want to say they're folk punk, but, it's more like just folk. I've been listening to this track over and over, realizing just how true it really is. We're in this constant war against ourselves and others, and, to quote Nine Inch Nails again...
"As far as I have gone, I knew what side I'm on. Now? I'm not so sure... The line begins to blur."
I want to say I'm against this damned Machine, just by some thoughts. Killing myself seems far too painful now then when I was depressed. I actually found myself saying today that I don't think I'd ever throw myself in front of a train even though just a few months ago I forced myself to steer away from the tracks. Still, I'm a victim of habit and old tendency, and I don't feel quite as if I'm completely agains the Machine. Either that or our conscious is becoming one again, which I'm deathly afraid of.
It makes sense, though. I hadn't been documenting the Machine's output since my gap from my last blog post. I have nothing to seperate my own thoughts from.
I'm a bit ticked at R. I won't be for long, but, it feels as if lately she just doesn't want to talk to me, and maybe I'm just being paranoid, but, it feels as if she's jumping through the loopholes that are my patience and passivity. Things like "we'll talk later" end up meaning "we won't talk today." Maybe she's not aware she does it, but, it's digging at me, because I truly believe that later just means later, and that in a bit means in a bit. You're setting yourself up to fall down.
I missed my counselors appointment today. I don't want to feel anything at all and I've been learning to let numbness and happiness co-exist. Only feeling the feelings I want to feel, positive thinking, all that mumbo jumbo. I was afraid that seeing him might unleashe some of the feelings I've been trying to water down using this amazing new control over numbness.
I've been invited to go bowling with NP and GD, a girl who I think likes me, and the girl I used to like not too long ago, respectively. I'm not sure I want to go due to some tensed conditions but I'll at least attempt to attempt at going.
It would be nice to cry right now... Maybe I'll stop the emotional lidocaine for just a few minutes.
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