Not gone. Not quite yet.
I'm still here, in the back of your mind.
That uncertainty? That hesitancy? That's me.
Try as you may, keep pouring the pills down your throat.
I'll always be here. Waiting for you to slip. So I can take control again.
Just to rub it in your face, you useless prick.
There's a glimpse into the depressive thoughts that still sneak their way into my brain. It's a quiet presence but it's still there. I can't let go of things like that. No suicidal thoughts, thank God.
I'm feeling very, very unimportant, ignored, and unloved, specifically by some friends of mine who dropped off the face of the Earth last night. I don't want to be mad at them, but, they left me alone with my brain after a day where I really needed them. I can't rely on them like that, though. I'll get over it soon enough.
A lot of these thoughts sprout from my unsure, inferior feelings for her. I just want to be important enough to her. I just want the chance to show that I can be all she could want. It doesn't seem like I will be able to until I'm the only person in the picture, and, to be honest, she's afraid to give that chance, I think. I'm afraid to talk to her due to previous encounters with a boyfriend who was near my age. He pressured and pressured her and basically begged her to get his way. I don't want to be like that, but, unlike him, I'm not a selfish prick, and I know I would bring happiness her way just as steadily as she is mine. This is what happens when I'm left alone with my insecure mind. Fuck.
I'm going to get back to sleep... I'd say I wish I loved her less but that would be a flat out lie. I just hope she understands how much I do love her. I want to make her happy. That's all. I just want to show how much I love her and it seems so far out of reach due to... others who are getting in the way (see: option 4). I can't make her get rid of feelings for other people, and I don't want to... but, if I can blow them out of the water, and I seriously believe I would make her happier long-term than he would, then... I think I'm going to at least try to be who I want her to have. She gives me the self confidence I've seldom seen. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to show her just how important she is and how happy I could make her.
God, I love some people, sometimes.
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