Hypocrisy

I am a living, breathing contradiction.


My last post was about using logic to essentially underwhelm myself from emotional outburst and revert to numbness if needed. Well, guess who had a PTSD-fueled nightmare last night, and was unable to attend school due to fear of emotional response? Did you guess me? Because, that's right, it's me.

I'm so afraid of what's to come. I only know two things for sure, and that's that I'm in deep shit with the law for my absences, and that I'm about to choose things from a very black and white perspective, because, no matter how vibrant these hues are to me, or how differentiated these grays are, it seems beyond anyone else's comprehension to see a middle ground. No, I'm forced to pick an extremity.

I don't want to go into school during the mornings because of the feelings that swell up overnight or the dreams that my subconscious forces upon me. I really am not a bad kid. I'm not being truant. A kid playing hooky wouldn't spend all of his time locked up in his room feeling like complete shit.

It's not the depression, either. It's actual emotion, and it's killing me faster than the depression was. The magistrate still sees my absences as truant, no matter how many times my counselor or psychiatrist have explained my condition. The only thing I can do now is get re-evaluated so they can use my emotional outbursts as a legitimate excuse instead of them thinking I'm STILL bullshitting. I'm sorry, I don't see anyone else who went through the same shit that I do getting up in the morning with a smile on their face ready to conquer social anxiety and depression.

My re-evaluation is going to be soon. I'm not suicidal. I am somewhat homicidal, but, I don't think anyone believes just how severe that is. The only reason that sonofabitch is still alive is because I don't have access to transportation or weaponry, or this would have been settled between one of us long ago. The doctors will see the severity though, and, I'm afraid of being hospitalized. I narrowly dodged the bullet almost a year ago because they couldn't get me for being in a state to kill myself, I just wanted to die. Now? I don't just want to kill someone. I'm in a state to kill and because of that, the emotions that I've been dealing with stop me from going into school due to fear that I'll accidentally redirect said lifetaking feeling to whichever dumbass starts talking off to me. I don't want a criminal record for assault. I'm sick of being a contradiction.

So, the past few weeks, I've been moving in and out of the big question:
Am I willing to unlawfully be absent or am I willing to risk this against a lower human being?

I've been choosing unlawfully absent for the good of everyone, but, that's not good enough, as always. So, the only way to get these absences accounted for and hopefully not have to deal with the court later on in July is to be re-evaluated. I'm so afraid. I just want to disappear. Not die. Just disappear for a little while. Then again, this sounds too much like the way I was when I was depressed. Now I'm at a different question: Am I willing to continue going against the law system or am I willing to risk being hospitalized?

I don't have a choice this time. Everything feels like it's slipping from my fingers. I got so fucking far from where I was last year, and, now it's like I'm being tossed back all the way to the beginning.

Until that re-evaluation, all I can do is try to turn off my emotions, go on logic mode for finals, and get into school. God, please help me... I'm afraid. Just in case some of the friends who I was talking to today see this, please know that I'm not trying to hide anything from you. It's just easier for me to help you all with your problems and comfort you than to drag in my own comedic tragedy that I call a life. I'm not being insincere, I -do- care about you, but, I couldn't handle to tell you about what I've been dealing with. I don't mean to lie, and I hope you don't view it as such. Pray for me, please, and, if you're not convinced prayer does anything, just keep me in good thought.