I'm sorry. I'm selfish.
I'm sorry that I behave this way.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
I'm sorry that you lost your faith in me.
I'm Sorry - Voltaire
I'm in a rather... complicated relationship, to say the least. This hasn't started recently, or, not too recent. End of April this was 'officially' begun. Let me see if I can get the short version... Facebook marriage turns into a somewhat 'real' relationship, the problems being an age difference, a distance gap, and that she's mad for a guy on the other side of the world. Granted, I'm a few states away, but, I'm in the same country.
I'm still young so I really have no reason to start complaining yet. Normally, I let go of something if I care. This is not one of those situations. She says how amazing he is, and how much he cares about her, but, from every conversation I've witnessed either with him or from the sidelines, he seems like a cold, mean-spirited douchebag. There was another guy who came along who I was about ready to force her to ask out, but, if I recall, there was no 'spark' there between them. He treated her right, though, at least from what I could tell, and there's yet to be contradicting evidence, as opposed to the .. other person.
At the end of the day, I just want her to be as happy as possible, and, looking at life the way it is, a fifteen year old from another state isn't exactly a perfect shot to happiness. I don't even know what I'm aiming for anymore. My most prominent thought is that, knowing myself, and knowing her, I think the most rational choice would be me- I could ensure her happiness myself, no reliance on other people to make her laugh or smile or console her. Then, there's the second option- once she finds a guy who can make her very happy who will treat her right, urge and support her to choose him. This seems to be the most likely solution- She's moving soon, and being the gem she is, she's going to be found by someone in the new area. The only reason she's single right now is because she hadn't been at the right place at the right time; I'm convinced of it. Third option, try and keep her as happy as possible at a sideline as just a friend while she remained single. This is a bittersweet option. She would be content, but, maybe not as happy as she'd want to be, but, there would be no risk of heartbreak. Finally, we have the dreaded fourth option... I hate this one. Dump everything and let her take her chance with a guy who I honestly don't think is worth the effort she's putting forward.
It's almost scary how much she feels for him... He could break her heart in less than a beat, and, knowing most men... I'm worried. He's already shown signs of instability, at least relationship-wise, from what I've caught onto, and you can judge that as either hawk eyed or paranoid. I don't want her to throw away everything she has to go date the guy in England only for him to- God help him if he would, he'd be castrated faster than a horse- cheat on her for someone he may run into at a bar one night. It's mainly my own insecurities being projected onto her situation, and I know I should just back off, but, we're at a choice of option 1, option 3, and the risky option 4. Option 3 doesn't seem to be keeping her happy, or happy enough- She's torn between this as much as I am, if not more. I don't want to let her be vulnerable to any kind of pain, but, just two years till I'm out of this hellhole valley, and, maybe I'll be some knight in shining armor to come steal her away on a steed to a kingdom. I would be fine with waiting that long to see if things would play out in my favor or in hers up here, as I have promised several people I will visit them, I told her I'd try to move her up to somewhere around here... preferably not in the same area, maybe a few counties over, that would be nice. The only problem is that the main focus in Option 4 is older, has no schooling left to do, and would probably be able to ship her over to the country before I graduate... Feels bad, man...
I love her so much, even if I don't quite understand how. She means so much to me. I can be so open about anything, even the topic at hand, and she's understanding, even if annoyed. She's practically my best friend and she knows more about me and what I've been through than half of the people at my out-patient program (which I'm going to be late for if I don't get some sleep soon...). I want her to be happy, but, I don't want to have to see her get hurt by the third party... Life isn't black and white, there has to be some sort of gray line around here SOMEWHERE that I can let her wander onto without too much worry.
Please stay safe, 'R,' and if you read this before I get to talk to you tomorrow... Thanks for reading, I'm sorry for the argument last night... I think my feelings and views are more organized here and probably a bit easier to take in.
Let's try sleeping again...
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