Trembling hands reveal their purpose

Blisters form beneathe the surface
No one's gonna make me leave
I'm the one who still believes


The Believers - How To Destroy Angels


The best things in life are worth the wait... I hope.

She and I got to talking for a bit. There are a few more roadblocks than I had initially seen. She's not ashamed of my age, but, she's not comfortable with the reactions a relationship with me might cause among the community.. I have a special person in mind for this one whose name begins with C. Now, normally, I would just solve this problem with a good deck to the face for hurting someone I care about emotionally. I'm about eight hundred miles away. This doesn't seem to be a feasible response. The solution to this is to age far enough that no one could seriously accuse of her of being a predator or cougar, or, wait until I can physically be there to defend her. I don't think that would make the judgement towards her feel any better, though.

This explains a lot. I have to just wait... ten months, at least. I'm not too excited about that, but, I'm willing to wait if it gives me the chance. I promised her that if someone else were to come along, I'd at least give it my all when I tried with whoever it would be, that way I wouldn't be missing out 'because of her,' which I thought was ridiculous. Even if nothing were to come the two of us, I wouldn't have minded wasting time. So far, if it is a waste of time, it's my most enjoyable one thus far in life. I think I love her too much sometimes.

That, and, within these ten months, the guy from another country still has the opportunity to ask her out and I've told her that I want her to do whatever she's comfortable with... which, unfortunately for me, does in fact include dating him. The idea of that makes my heart drop but I'll have to be a big boy about it, I have no other choice, especially for her. I did get a.. bittersweet response to vocalizing my fears that he would ship her over before I got the chance to graduate and see if things were to work out between us when I'm on my own. She said she wouldn't move until at least a year after they were dating. For me, by that time, hopefully, it would be more than a year, so, I wouldn't have that to worry over. However, while I might have her a few months before she goes off and would spend the rest of her life with him, which I'm sure he'd either make perfect for her and make me bite the bullet or harm her and make me want to kill him. Problem being after those months were gone, I'd lose her, no matter how much she says she won't leave. I don't want to go back to being just friends. I don't just care about her romantically but that's something that adds a whole lot to my feelings. She's a great friend- Hell, one of my best. But, the reason for this is because I'm allowed to be open about my feelings. I'm sure he wouldn't like me still having feelings for her regardless of their fairy tale life. I also proposed the idea that if this 'needs' an answer for either of us soon, we take a week or two to test-drive it. If she completely hates it or misses the other guy too much, then, we pull the plug and we'll have our answer as to whether or not she wants something with me.

So, the long wait, and hoping the fates are kind and play the cards in my favor... Bring it. I'm willing to invest this much time into it if it means I could get that opportunity, even if just the chance to have an opportunity. The rewards completely outweigh the vices.

She's moving to Arkansas soon. She hasn't been feeling too well, or, at least she's saying that. I'm worried that all this talk over her relationship status is going to add unneeded stress onto her. She has enough to deal with through leaving friends behind, moving somewhere new, and her family being completely unsupportive. I don't think I can bring myself to try and talk to her about this anymore, not now. I feel so bad... I care for her so much, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. But, through this, I'm taking the chance of being vulnerable and harmed...

Final thoughts.

Worst case scenario: I lose the opportunity and the other guy swoops in and steals part of someone I love from me, but, unless I seriously fuck something up, I get to keep a great friend.
Best case scenario: Things go better than expected after ten months, the relationship works out, we carve the rest of our lives.

I think the rewards outweigh the vices here, as well. Two more days of out patient.