is knowing you put it together."
Trent Reznor, 'A Warm Place,' The Downward Spiral
I couldn't agree more. The feeling of control of what's going on in my life is overwhelming. I've never felt so liberated, like I had such a choice in what I do. It feels great to make my own decisions again. I can finally take credit for my achievements and take blame for my mistakes. I'm not quite sure if this is how 'normal' people feel, but, if not... I hit the jackpot, going through that depression was worth it to attain this feeling. For awhile I had been considering what my point was here on this Earth. I was beginning to once again wonder if I wasn't put into this existence to be happy, but, to serve as an example to others, and be a shoulder to lean on. I feel relatively stupid for entertaining that thought now. I'm realizing my chances aren't over until I let them be over, or until someone actively and specifically states contradicting evidence. It's not over until I decide to let the fat lady sing, and, being a bit shallow, I don't think I'll let her.
Feeling very esteemed. Things haven't changed much with the girl I like; I got to see her for roughly two seconds today without realizing it was her until after I was too far away. The other day we were talking and I dropped some rather obvious yet indirect hints that I liked her, and, because she wasn't repulsed at the very mention of the idea, and because it didn't seem to be shot down, I'm beginning to think I still have a chance until she says I don't, or until I give up. Here's a hint: It won't be the latter. I decided earlier today that I'm going to make this day fantastic if I have to kick it's ass to get it to be enjoyable. So far? Going pretty well. I'm in a study-support period- Basically, study hall for the kids who have issues- so I figured why the hell not blog about the day so far? Last time I let someone ruin the feeling without them directly stating why it should be ruined. No more of those mistakes. I'm keeping my confidence and my drive until I'm given a good, validated reason to stop, and, I don't think I'll be getting one of those any time soon.
I'm feeling a bit closer to God recently (u c whut i did thar), and I find myself praying about things I would normally find too insignificant to even talk about. My cosmic humility is astounding, as hypocritical as that sounds. I think I've finally come to the conclusion that although significant, I'm important enough to God to be allowed to live in good condition, and that's only boosting the esteemed feeling. I'm turning my problems up to him, doing my best to avoid sin, asking him to guide my decisions, and overall just feel as if the relationship has become more sincere. I have no shame, nor fear, to be one of his children in a world of persecutors. I do feel a bit bad for having that dream last night in which I beat the living hell out of one of my old 'friends' for agitating me. I think that was just my subconscious letting off steam, though.
tl;dr I'm content and things are only looking upwards. Therapy later today, then to work on some film thing for my schools' anime club, cleaning my room... Today should be a breeze.
Tomorrow, however. Heh. BS is going to be over to visit. That'll be fun. Maybe we'll go exploring.
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