Please, anyone..?

I don't think I can save myself again...
I'm drowning here... Please...
Anyone..?

A Drowning - How To Destroy Angels

Okay... where do I start...

Earlier, the guy R loves from England, who, for all sakes and purposes, will now be referenced as S for this post, posted something on her facebook in drunken rambling about playing a drinking game that would get anyone bombed. It was one of those 'take a shot everytime x happens.' I got extremely defensive because, for one, it seemed like she was cutting slack for him drinking, even though I'm positive he isn't old enough to drink would he be in the US, and quite frankly, I don't think anyone under the age of 21 is mature enough to handle it, period.

He also posted something so fucked up grammar and letterwise that I actually read a message that wasn't there about him seeming to invite her to do the game with him whenever she was 'up there.' The message was actually 'We're going up to play the drinking game,' but, I didn't see it as that at the time.

For the first time in my life, these resentful, awful thoughts came into my head about a man who did nothing to wrong me but be a great friend in my best friends life.
I hope he drinks himself to death.
Drunk car accidents happen all the time.
His heart would give out faster if he does drink.
I feel terrible for this! I can't figure out why I can't shake these thoughts of my head, it's like my depression, but, for once, the voice doesn't just sound like mine- It IS mine. They say God judges by the hearts of men as well as the actions and words, so, where the fuck am I going for thinking consciously about the death of someone who's done nothing wrong?!

Through all these thoughts, I told R off and I expressed my feelings about how fucked up I felt it was that I was still competing with someone who was doing something that irresponsible. She didn't know what to say. When she didn't immediately oppose his actions, I took it as acceptance. That threw me off the deep end, again, and I had to leave and go for a walk.

While out on my walk, I prayed for a bit, tried to meditate by the creek and hopefully come upon some sort of solution to the quarrel. That... half worked. I think I lost a friend of mine, who wasn't related to this conversation at all, for good this time by complaining and complaining, but, she's running away to California soon with the newest guy she likes, so... I can't exactly say I'm losing much. If God wants it resolved, it will be. If not, well, oh well. The problem here is knowing when to act and when to keep to myself and let him act. God does help those who help themselves...

When I got home, we talked a lot of it through, but, the situation isn't resolved yet. We talked on the phone where we both seemed just mumble and cry and try and choke up the words we had to say. She eventually agreed to the testdrive sooner rather than later, but... I can't help but shake the feeling that it was only because of the tantrum I through. I don't want to be like her ex and either drag her, pressure her, or guilt her into something she doesn't want. I want her to sincerely mean it before we jump into anything, even if just to see how it would work out. I'm going to kick myself later for this, but, I asked her to seriously think about it tomorrow before we both agree to it, to make sure that is sincere, and not just to keep me content...

Even so, she's afraid that even if the two weeks are great, she still won't be comfortable with not being around S, or waiting for me to get older, and so the two weeks are all I'll have until April... I can't decide if it would make things more or less tolerable.

We just finished watching another entry of marblehornets on synchtube. Hopefully she's going to be calling me soon.

I kind of really want to take that testdriving chance and hope everything works out better than expected but I don't know yet. I'll have an answer by this time tomorrow, I'm sure.

Then I have two weeks to not fuck anything up and convince here I'm the proper choice without going up and beyond as well as being someone I'm not... Here's to hoping God's on my side and that the next two weeks go well.