Harmony

Combo breaker, a post that doesn't start with song lyrics.

I've recently patched together an understanding of why my feelings are so strong about things. When you use initial feelings and put logic to it, you get two results: logical or illogical. With the illogical, you can hold on to the feeling, or do your best to ignore the logic, or any of that, but, in the end, it will come crashing down when you try and force your feelings to fit in this illogical world. The best example I can think of is infatuation- You make the person seem like your perfect match, like the best person in the world for you, you exalt them to this throne where they can do nothing wrong, and are godlike, or at least that's my understanding.

However, when you apply logic to something, and it turns out your feelings are logical, your heart and your mind are now working together towards a common, true goal. After putting something to this test, if your feelings are logical, the two forces sing together in this perfect harmony that no feeling or thought can reach by itself. In this song, the feelings become deeper, truer, and all of those irrational thoughts disintegrate- This is where you accept someone for who they are, good and bad, and completely accept them, not who you think they are.

I think this is why this hit me so badly. With 'R,' I can see that although she has her insecurities and isn't quite perfect, she's not 'perfect' to me- She's this amazing, wonderful angel who I can't stand to spend time away from, as stalkerish as that sounds. Through this wonderful existence, my feelings and thoughts worked together, placing her into a spot where through her imperfections, she became perfect. I think I can honestly say I love her, I don't just like her the way I did 'K' or 'E' or 'A' or 'G.' They were all people who I had turned them into- Hell, I hardly knew K, E hid stuff from me, A lied to me constantly, and G... Well, she wasn't convinced that I would be the best choice, which, maybe I wouldn't have been. I tried ignoring the flaws, not embracing them. This harmony, it's such a beautiful thing- My only regret is that I'm the only one of us whose hearing it. Maybe in the future...

Now, I don't know the guy she likes enough to say that he's an illogical choice, but, she's said that she won't logic into the situation- Everything for him and I are raw feelings. I don't expect to get her back, at least not anytime soon, as she has better things to worry about, but, I just wish I could convince her to hear this music, and try and apply some logic to what she feels... I'm not a bad guy. I'm honest, I'm loyal, I'm by no means unintelligent, and while not quite as mature as I feel I should be, I have a pretty damn great personality. I could go off listing specific qualities or talents but I don't see it as right to egowank, even on my own blog. Point being, if she would hear this same harmony through thoughts and feeling for me, I'm positive it would outshine the infatuation for him. Now, assuming she uses logic with me, it's not right to deny him the chance at a logical analysis, either, so I know I'm not quite in the clear. If he turns out to be a logical conclusion, then, I think I can upgrade him from option 4 to option 2, and, if the harmony for him is stronger than mine, well, I'd understand and try and move on.

This new found discovery helps me understand my depression more. I wanted to kill myself because I felt that my insecurities and fears were real because of the biased and unreasonable consciousness agreed upon me being worthless, and so many other bad things that I know now just aren't true. The harmony was there, but, it was fabricated by depressive thinking- I then realized I had no reason to agree when I broke out of the small opaque barrier it had kept me in and I was able to see things from such a broader horizon, and view just how unreasonable it was after all.

I've been doing my best to ignore what today/last night was through almost non-stop musical input today. I hung out with TB for awhile and then came home, I might get picked up by NY later.

tl;dr
logic + feelings = harmony more beautiful than logic or feelings separately
this harmony applies to her
she isn't using harmony, she's using plain feelings
if she feels a stronger harmony for him than me, well, reluctantly understood, but, i'd be more content with that
depression is a faux harmony
fuck problems, make music