Forever alone

Well, inverted e-penis contest time.

I've never had a girlfriend. I've never kissed a girl, even as something small, or one who was drunk, which are aplenty at my age. I've been rejected by girls who were drunk. I've never even had one of those little elementary school relationships, even less something in middle school, and foreveralone in high school. Even back in elementary school, only one girl ever liked me, and she was far from the cream of the crop.

The closest thing to a kiss was holding a girls hand as just friends. I have no one to cuddle with, no one to hold, no one to love, and, let's be honest, that's all I really want. I'd trade in all sexual desire for that one person, for that one meaningful relationship. All I want in life is a loyal, pretty girl who would love me, but, that seems too much to ask for. Now, if I wanted a slut who I could go drinking with, I guarantee I'd be in luck. Everyone keeps telling me how mature and blessed I am for realizing it, but, really, at the end of the day, whose the bigger loser, the idiot in bliss or the man crying himself to sleep?

I feel like I'm never going to leave this place where I am, like no one's going to love me in the way I desperately crave to give and receive. By the time a girl would want me, I'd be far out of high school, and, well, I don't know if I have that kind of patience. I don't want to retract the bitten hand for all of the animals, but, I seem to be running out of options fast, as keeping my hand out is only making me nervous.

I think soon I'm just going to keep my feelings for R to myself and let her do what she wants with whoever she chooses. Trying to talk about it is useless. I can't convince her of how happy I would make her. I can't convince her for the chance to try and prove it. That and she's already going through enough shit with the move without me... I think I'm done...

As long as that closeness stays... I don't know. Maybe I'll let go of it. Maybe.


But probably not.